whiteraven
MyPTSD Pro
Just writing this I feel guilty. No, that's not the right word. It's hard to put a finger on the feelings these days, because everything is all jumbled up and has been tossed in a corner of my mind somewhere that I don't really seem to have access to at the moment.
I lost my feeling of safety a long time ago. Physical safety, emotional safety. And things keep happening that compound that feeling. It's like I don't have any space where I can take a breath to even consider healing.
There's no real-time support. No friends. Everybody has vanished. No therapist. I've been trying to reconnect, but it's just not working. I have a mother, and we chat, but being with and around people is intensely painful for me. I manage - I work full-time and I do it well - but it's getting harder and harder. I'm crying every day and my fuse is short, almost non-existent. I'm dealing with chronic pain, as well, that I can't afford to treat. It's some better - my neurologist gave me the ok to go back on some meds I had a supply of here, and they seem to be helping - but the flare-ups make work impossible.
My weekends keep me indoors. I can't bear to go outside. I tried, a few times, and everything looks fake and plastic. I cried the whole time. There's no one to talk to about any of this anymore, so it all just stays stuffed inside until something triggers a crying episode, which makes the headaches worse, which...well, you know.
I have a deep lack of trust issue, have had since my psychiatrist terminated me unexpected me in 2014, then since I have been struggling with this therapist for the last several months. Thing is, we made a lot of progress - I reached a critical turning point, even, I think - and that is when things went deeply sour. I was never able to come back from that, because while it was a very important juncture in my development, it was a crisis of sorts as well. And I didn't know how to deal with it.
Still don't.
And this is a spiritual crisis of sorts, so I don't know how to navigate it.
Not suicidal, because I feel obligated to care for and be here for my cats. But I so wish I would just pass from this world.
I lost my feeling of safety a long time ago. Physical safety, emotional safety. And things keep happening that compound that feeling. It's like I don't have any space where I can take a breath to even consider healing.
There's no real-time support. No friends. Everybody has vanished. No therapist. I've been trying to reconnect, but it's just not working. I have a mother, and we chat, but being with and around people is intensely painful for me. I manage - I work full-time and I do it well - but it's getting harder and harder. I'm crying every day and my fuse is short, almost non-existent. I'm dealing with chronic pain, as well, that I can't afford to treat. It's some better - my neurologist gave me the ok to go back on some meds I had a supply of here, and they seem to be helping - but the flare-ups make work impossible.
My weekends keep me indoors. I can't bear to go outside. I tried, a few times, and everything looks fake and plastic. I cried the whole time. There's no one to talk to about any of this anymore, so it all just stays stuffed inside until something triggers a crying episode, which makes the headaches worse, which...well, you know.
I have a deep lack of trust issue, have had since my psychiatrist terminated me unexpected me in 2014, then since I have been struggling with this therapist for the last several months. Thing is, we made a lot of progress - I reached a critical turning point, even, I think - and that is when things went deeply sour. I was never able to come back from that, because while it was a very important juncture in my development, it was a crisis of sorts as well. And I didn't know how to deal with it.
Still don't.
And this is a spiritual crisis of sorts, so I don't know how to navigate it.
Not suicidal, because I feel obligated to care for and be here for my cats. But I so wish I would just pass from this world.