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Now I Know What You All Mean - The Flood Gates Have Now Opened

Discussion in 'General' started by moki, Apr 7, 2007.

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  1. moki

    moki Guest

    I've read many, many posts about others figuring big things out and really having a lot of anxiety and trouble coping with it; ie. shaking, can't stop thinking about it, etc. I could not relate to that...until today.

    I had a very good session with my individ. therapist yesterday and had a big 'ah hah' moment with her. That lead to the rest of the day being great, felt relaxed, felt like I'd made progress, etc. Went to bed...

    ...Then the flood began.

    Woke up in the middle of the night, head filled to bursting with 'ah hahs', one right after the other. Started getting anxious that I wouldn't remember all of this in the morning, so decided to write it down.

    6 pages later, I still had more to write, but ran out of paper. After I stopped writing, more and more things began to fall into place about why my husband is the trigger for my ptsd. I was in awe at what I had just figured out and was wondering how I was going to introduce this stuff in my marriage counseling sessions.

    Had a very hard time getting back to sleep, but finally did and woke up from a horrible nightmare (particularly horrible but couldn't remember), with my heart racing and feeling that internal shakiness and feeling all sweaty.

    It took me a little while to get out of bed, since I knew if I did too soon, I would just feel wobbly, I was that shaky. Got up and took a xanax, went out to the living room and fell back asleep. I was so tired.

    I am still shaky but have decided, at least for today to take small quantities of xanax to take the edge off. I also had my first 10mg of lexapro last night, but really don't feel like that had anything to do with it.

    I have been tortured with the not knowing of why my husband is the trigger to bad things happening during childhood, and now I know. Since this was my biggest concern; the "why now" of all of this, I did not feel like I could move forward.

    I have less hope for the marriage working out, because the dynamics that are so bad for me are things about my husband that I know he can't change. But at least I will know the 'whys'.

    I may write down at some point what those ah-hah bits of information are, but not now. They are complex ptsd type stuff and to me, have been very hard to pin down because the ptsd I suffer from is not related to a traumatic event. It is related to repeated interpersonal neglectful/abusive relationships with primary caregivers (stepfather) that sets up the basis for all future relationships

    Enough for now. Maybe I'll go for a walk or something.

    If you got this far, thanks for listening.
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Good for you, that is exactly how you start healing. When you run out of paper start typing in a diary here. Getting it all out and sorting it really helps. Good for you! And typing is good as others here may be able to give you different spins which leads to more ah hahs...
     
  4. moki

    moki Guest

    Thank you, veiled

    Thanks for responding, veiled...I think you are right about the start of healing part for sure. It's so weird though - the way this disorder messes with your mind. It's hard to see the big picture when you're mired in the muck.

    This past year has been the most surreal time of my life. It's been a time of intense feelings of loss. Maybe this time of my life would've been easier if I'd have been able to grieve the childhood stuff properly. Thought I had though through years of therapy, but I guess not.

    Finding out all of the weird symptoms that go along with this and realizing they are all a part of the whole disorder has been so illuminating. This forum really has been incredibly helpful with all of the information and everyone else's experiences and encouragement. At first I didn't think it was going to be that helpful, but now know how really instrumental it has been during these past - what - not even 2 weeks that I've been in the forum?

    I'm starting to see how I have been transferring my old feelings of resentment for my stepfather onto my husband, and how he really is blameless (I knew this intellectually, but emotionally did not). My husband is gone this weekend, and at first I felt free and great that he wasn't here. But guess what, I'm still a big ball of anxiety and he's not even here. Sure, it would probably be a little worse if he was here, but I am not magically cured when he's gone.

    I feel my defenses lowering the tiniest bit...a millimeter or two is all, but still some movement. veiled, when you said to keep writing, I know that is what is needed, but I need time to calm down first. I've read about that reaction over and over again from other forum members, and it's surreal that I'm experiencing the same feelings as they have. I never thought I would for some reason and thought I would never get out of my angry mindset for even a few hours. I didn't even consider the possibility, but figured I'd have to deal with how to live being that way for the rest of my life.

    I can also see how once you start recovery, you need to be vigilant for the rest of your life about keeping the ptsd at bay and not interfering with your relationships and general day to day functioning. You cannot erase the stuff that made you this way. But new skills need to be learned to help you stay healthy.

    Anyway, I just wanted to reply how different it is to read about these ptsd things vs experiencing it. It's quite intense.

    Thank you for your words of encouragement, especially over this holiday weekend (in case this is a holiday for you :wink: )
     
    Rain likes this.
  5. willing

    willing Active Member

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    Yeah Moki isn't this forum the best. It is saving me too. Saves me when I feel all alone. I just found this in January as well as self diagnosing PTSD after reading and figuring out what I am going through. I am in a daze but am slowly getting back. Just hang tough and keep sharing.
    Patty
     
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  6. moki

    moki Guest

    Yes, willing. I was just thinking that if I hadn't been reading this forum for the last couple of weeks, I wouldn't know what the heck was happening to me now. I think I would be even more anxious than I am now and might have to finally check myself in somewhere.

    My house is very quiet this weekend, and that really helps my jangled nerves. I almost moved out a couple of weeks ago, did you know that? I had gone so far as to put down ernest money and house inspection on another house...it was so close. I couldn't do it because I was afraid I'd hardly see my kids. (15 & 18).

    Now I'm wondering if it is still a good idea, not necessarily to get away from my husband (who I am placing less and less blame on since the other night), but just for the peace and quiet I would have. My husband is a ball of energy all the time, and the weekends are always the toughest for me because he's buzzing around the house and all I want is peace and quiet and a lot of doing nothing. He is now fine with that, but our house is smallish and just being around all that energy makes it hard to relax.

    I am hoping the lexapro will make it easier to cope with all that energy, but if not...I don't know of any other option than to move out. It wouldn't necessarily mean divorce, just a separation until I could get this anxiety under control. But then I think...could I really handle living with that kind of energy for the rest of my life...the energy that would sap from me, while trying to control my own anxiety all the time. Things to think about.

    I cancelled my motorcycle lessons for tomorrow. Just didn't think I could handle it. I have a second interview for a job on tuesday and really need to focus on getting my head straight for that.

    Bonnie
     
  7. willing

    willing Active Member

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    Bonnie I did leave for a week. It was wonderful. Not to encourage but if you have a friend or since you have the down for rent you might consider a hotel. I had friends help me intervene with my partner to support and make sure the abandonment and leaving issue didn't get blown out of proportion. I just needed time to myself and it was wonderful.
     
  8. moki

    moki Guest

    willing, I guess that is an option: staying in a hotel for a week or something like that. I don't have any close friends, big surprise, so that's not an option. The biggest problem I have with ever leaving is my kids. They leave all the time to go on trips ,camps, etc. but I can't seem to leave them.

    Maybe I'll go to a ritzy hotel around one of the ski resorts and get massages and stuff like that...hmmm...that doesn't sound half bad. Let's see if I can actually make myself go....

    I'm trying not to be negative, but am feeling that way so will end here.
     
  9. willing

    willing Active Member

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    moki,
    I hope you can find the courage to take a break. I hate this when others say it to me but...in order for us to be there for others we must first and foremost take care of ourselves. Give it up for a week and let your trust that they will be just fine. They might surprise you.
    Patty
     
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