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Office environment... work...

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Supervixn

MyPTSD Pro
Idk where I'm going with this but I need to vent and get some constructive advice from my friends here who understand cPTSD. I need you guys to snap me back into a correct mindset, if you will... (please!!). I don't know if I'm taking things too serious or what.

So I work in an office of all women. I myself am a woman and have my own opinion that, whether you agree with it or not, there CAN be a level of cattiness, gossip etc that goes with that. My coworkers range from 34 to 50s. I'm a tad younger and the newest employee.

I'm pleasant and helpful but I'm private and perfer to keep conversations related to work itself. I'm not one to gossip. I just feel it's negative and creates a certain spirit that I try to avoid. Also I pride myself on making up my own mind and not being influenced by people's opinions. Though I hide it well, I really resent when people try to influence my opinions of others so I politely move onto more professional topics if I suspect someone of attempting to sway me. I honestly cannot stand it. Plus I'm not very social to begin with so I get mistook a lot probably. But I'm very nice, well mannered and non threatening. I work hard at it.

Anyhoo.

There's this girl in my office who is hands down most liked. She's forgiven easily because IMHO she's sociable, can turn on her charm, but can be kind of bratty emotionally. I've witnessed her rally the office to her defense against fellow off site employees who have accused her of "attitude", "rudeness" etc. I feel like I'm the only one currently not under her 'spell' so to speak. Ive witnessed first hand what shes been accused of because it has been directed at me also but I let it slide off my back and shes pretty sly and underhanded with it so i also see how others miss it. We will call her Michelle.

So. I'm newest employee and was hired in as a receptionist but my job duties much more closely resemble that of an office assistant. I wasn't given any formal job responsibilities and have taken on others specific jobs in times of absense and just to help them with their workloads. I am very helpful and always willing and eager to take on more work which makes me my bosses favorite. I have low ego and am focused on getting things complete. I'm pleasant and professional, but I'm new so I ask a lot of questions.

So this girl Michelle I noticed is very possessive of another girl in the office who I sometimes have a closer working relationship with, but it's very clear that they have a strong friendship and I am not one to intrude so I took the signs and backed off being too friendly with this other girl. I joked lightheartedly in ways that honored and acknowledged their close friendship, keeping things light and loving as not to threaten Michelle and her misplaced jealousy. And to show my good will.

So anyway, yesterday my boss got fed up with a totally different employee and yelled at her in front of everyone. She ended up coming back to apologize, but the entire situation set me off immediately for other reasons.

What prefaced this fight is what bothered me, on top of other things I'll get to later. So we have two new off site employees who my company has a past customer relationship with that was rocky. We are a rental community and prefer our managers to live on the community grounds; so they were tenants and applied and got the job. Despite any past customer relationship with them, they were hired. Thats how I see it. I don't know anything about these new employees. Except that two people in my office began loudly spilling out their credit scores and complaining about how irresponsible these people will be, while relating it back to their credit score which was BLASTED in front of everyone. I found this incredibly unprofessional but keep to myself as always. Tensions are high in the office lately and my boss minutes later got into a shouting match about something unrelated, with one of the girls in the office who spilled the credit score.

So. Back tracking a bit: Michelle has been cutting me rude immature looks and obv talks behind my back to people while doing the fake niceness to my face. I normally don't care except that now her close buddy is trying to be shady to me too out of nowhere. This buddy whose job I took over as a courtesy while she was on vacation and who I've bent over backwards to help. It's obvious she's being fed things from Michelle to make sure this coworker, her friend, and I don't get too close. It's childish and stems from jealousy and I see it.

I can handle it for the most part because I'm not ill intended and am obv not trying to steal her friend or status away. However, I became infuriated when I realized what was happening. Because I go out of my way to help where I probably shouldn't. And I just feel like with everything going on... if Michelle cuts her eyes at me again I will have to confront her directly and publicly for everyone to hear. Just something like "wow girl are you ok? Thats the 3rd time you've cut me a look like that can I ask what your problem is with me?" but then I feel myself getting pulled into hyper defense PTSD mode where I totally see myself going into a whole "you don't have to like me but you absolutely will respect me" thing and I feel myself tottally losing composure and taking it to worlds beyond where it should go.

It all sounds petty and childish, I know, but IMHO you have to teach people how to treat you and let them know where you draw lines. I just have a very intimidating way about it when I'm triggered I just lose my pleasantry. I felt myself just burning with anger like... how dare you? I ask you questions to ensure im not messing YOUR work up but you have the nerve to act annoyed? I'm considering talking to my boss.

What do I do. About so much here. I have only been there a few months but I'm asked *every day* to help with these big and little projects that are part of other people's jobs, not mine. I have to put my own job aside to help people and thats acceptable and expected here but im not technically a receptionist then by those standards, the way i see it I should have another title. I love helping but if people are going to act annoyed with me because I have questions about the task then I don't want to help those people. I've been patient with this and never shown my frustrations. I'm thinking about approaching my boss to define and adjust my job title in response to the thing with Michelle.

I know this is long and everywhere. Sorry guys please let me know your thoughts and I thank you for taking the time to read this. What do I do? Any advice or guidance about anything? Thanks guys!
 
IMHO you have to teach people how to treat you and let them know where you draw lines.
I would completely agree with that and I think if you can discuss this directly with Michelle that would be great, but if not you could go to your boss.

From my experience these things can escalate fast and if you can deal with it sooner rather than later it can have a better chance of resolving.

I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s not fun.
 
I feel like shes the type to completely deny it. Should I still address her first? What should I say...
I think if you can be in the right frame of mind it would be best, because it’s less likely to get everyone else involved and also if you end up having to go to your boss it will show that you have tried to resolve it.

Maybe say something like, ‘have I done something that has offended you in some way?’ If she Denys it and doesn’t start talking and acts all fake then you could say, ‘ because the other day....’ and describe some examples of the looks etc. the more you can use I feel or I took it this way, the less likely she’ll get defensive. If nothing else, it should keep her in better check because she’ll know that you’ll deal with it.
 
I don't think you can raise it with her, or with your manager, just over looks. It is too easy for her say that you have misinterpreted it. There is no way for us or you to be sure whether you are right about the way she looks at you or whether it is PTSD affecting the way you experience it.

It could even be that Michelle thinks the same as you, that there is too much cattiness and is trying to be nice to everyone, but you are sensitive enough to pick up that it her attempt to hide what she thinks behind being nice and well mannered.

There is a separate question about your job title and role. It does sound as if you are doing more than you were originally taken on to do. I think you should ask your boss about that, but not until you can keep Michelle out of the conversation. You want him to see you as calm, competent, professional and focussed on the work, not the personalities.
 
I have just a couple of observations, which probably are not helpful, but who knows.

1) Back when I was working and going to therapy, I kept getting told in therapy that work environments mimic family environments and that's why they can be hard for people with PTSD. I guess that depends on your situation.

2) Last year when I was still doing research, my area was autistic adults at work. Most autistic people prefer not to engage in much social stuff at work. This will cause them trouble in the short term, but I found that over time, it gave them an advantage. It may be hard to believe, but people who refuse to engage in office politics, yet stay friendly with everyone, seem to be more likely to eventually rise to positions of power. Either to management or power over a crucial system. So to be a specialist in something or other and to become that girl or guy who is essentially "unfireable" and Boss Sally or Boss Bob will intervene if anyone starts to mess with you. I was working on writing something about that when I had to take a break due to my physical health. I saw a similar thing happen with one of my former employees who was quiet but not shy. She was bullied for a few years, but eventually all the haters quit or left some other way, she got a really good job, and people work for her now.
 
It could even be that Michelle thinks the same as you, that there is too much cattiness and is trying to be nice to everyone, but you are sensitive enough to pick up that it her attempt to hide what she thinks behind being nice and well mannered

I really wish this was true. But as a quiet observer with yes some accurate hypervigilence (not always but in this case I think so), I unfortunately can't conclude that this hypothetical could be true for Michelle. She's got more of a manipulative spirit about her than anyone else in this ofc and has expressed jealousy even when her friend in the ofc talks about her having her own friends besides Michelle. Shes just got a lot of power because of how she plays it...

I just have to do this in a way that is as be all to end all as is possible.

I agree with the comments that it should be done without emotion.

Do you guys think i have a right to approach my boss about my position and duties? I'm not wanting a raise or anything and I don't mind doing what I do, I would just prefer a more accurate title...
 
Hi @Supervixn... People.... Can cause all sorts of drama rama... And it's your work... I feel for you but you're quite new... Just ask you're boss if this is part of Job helping others....?.. Keep it nice and simple...
And as for your fellow Co worker... Leave it... If you can... Just be polite but don't engage.... It will be worth it.. Trust me...
 
I hate what you are going through because that kind of gossip and backstabbing can get so ugly so fast. I do not think that you will go anywhere with Michelle, she seems to be the one to stay away from and sounds like she likes to play head games and play with minds and pit people against each other which is really divisive.

And as for your fellow Co worker... Leave it... If you can... Just be polite but don't engage.... It will be worth it.. Trust me...

I agree with Xena, this is the best way to deal with her. Good luck.
 
Agree with the above. Don’t engage with Michelle. Not worth it. It’s okay that you don’t like her, it’s okay that she doesn’t like you. She seems to be finding it hard to work with you, but that’s mutual. You don’t much like working with her either. That’s okay. It’s okay to not like everyone you work with. It would be unusual to actually like everyone in large workplace.

Having a go at her because of how she looks at you? Spin that around. How distressing would it be if she started publicly having a go at you for nothing more than the way you looked at her? That’s going to escalate tension, but what else would it achieve?

You’ve acknowledged that you didn’t get any formal responsibilities with your job. It sounds like that’s becoming a problem though? Maybe have a think about addressing this with your boss? It would potentially be helpful to ask about more clarity about what your role is now that you’re settling into the job.
 
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