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Relationship Oh God, Is It Happening Again?

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Wastinglight

MyPTSD Pro
He's just cancelled on me for the third night in a row. At lunchtime today he invited me to come over after work. Then, just minutes before I was due to leave work to go see him, he cancels. Apparently some spontaneous stomach bug has had him chucking his guts up all of a sudden. What a coincidence. I'm willing to bet it's stress, not a stomach bug.

Aaaaaaand cue panic attack. I've been a shaking, hysterical crying mess for the last half hour.

This probably sounds like an overreaction on my part. But this is exactly how it started when he withdrew from me at the start of our relationship. When he didn't invite me around to his place for 10 weeks, and I had thought it was over. I'm not upset cos I don't get to see him tonight (well, okay, yeah I am a bit upset about that). I'm upset because I'm very afraid he's about to go into shutdown big time.

I know I'm jumping the gun on this but I am totally effing freaking out. I don't think I can do this again. And just before I leave to go see my family for Christmas. Don't know if I can do this.
 
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@Wastinglight I have no great insights to give you I'm afraid, just comradely hugs and understanding. For myself, I've decided not to let my guy's behavior influence how I feel about myself. So much easier said than done, but I've found that deliberately deciding to do that can help me distance myself from spirals of panic and self-doubt. Try to lift your attitude above being affected by anything outside yourself, including him. You may be jumping the gun with your worries, and unfortunately you may not. But holding onto the issue and fretting with it won't solve the problem and could make it worse, as I know you know. You can do this, anything you need to do to get yourself through this and have a good holiday despite anything, you can do.
 
Thank you @Larksong. It's so great to have this forum as a place to come to let out all my feelings and fears, cos the only way I can deal with my emotions is to let them out - through crying or talking it out. Or both, usually. I can talk to my family and close friends about anything, but I don't like to ring them up when I'm a sobbing mess because then they worry about me. Mind you, they're used to me being a total drama queen!

It took me almost an hour to get my shit together and write back something loving and supportive. He wrote back straightaway saying thank you. Maybe it will be okay. I will find out soon enough I guess. Just got to try and focus on looking after myself the best I can.

I guess the one thing that is different from the last time he cancelled on me three nights in a row, is that I didn't know a thing about PTSD back then. We'd only been going out a few weeks. And I gave him a real serve. I wrote him a very long message telling him that he was being disrespectful blah blah blah. I really got stuck in. After that he just started drifting away from me. And then I started reading up on PTSD and found this forum, and realised that I'd approached the issue in probably the worst way possible. I don't know how much my reaction influenced things back then. Maybe nothing I do makes a difference if he's going to isolate.

Sigh.
 
No, I think the fact that you know about ptsd now is going to really help you and him a lot. Look at the difference in his reaction this time. Don't discount how much you've grown and changed in ways that can help you both. :)
 
Wow. I managed to centre myself very effectively this evening. Your post helped heaps @Larksong, so thanks again. I was even able to ring my mum and have a long chat without blubbing. In fact I talked with her about today in great detail and I could hear the acceptance of the situation in my own voice. My mum even remarked that I seemed very grounded.

Maybe he will withdraw from me, or maybe he won't, but he's gotta do what he's gotta do, and I will be okay, no matter what.
 
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If you react this way, I'd say you're possibly not cut out to be a supporter.
 
If you react this way, I'd say you're possibly not cut out to be a supporter.

Or maybe she's learning how to be a supporter?

I second
No, I think the fact that you know about ptsd now is going to really help you and him a lot. Look at the difference in his reaction this time. Don't discount how much you've grown and changed in ways that can help you both. :)

Like any relationship, you need to learn the peculiarities of your partner and that can take time.
 
If you react this way, I'd say you're possibly not cut out to be a supporter.
A bit more blunt than I might have phrased it, but accurate none the less.

I don't think I can do this again.
I think you need to examine that. Because you will have to. Even if he's in treatment, this is a long road. Are you in therapy? If your reaction to him withdrawing is panic attacks, perhaps you need to be. From your posts I believe you've been together around six months? If you're considering this as a long term commitment, then you need to be able to do this again. And again, and again, and again. If you aren't willing to do that and to deal with all of the rest of him without waiting for him to change, then do both of you a favor and consider what it is you want.

I'm biased here, but I can say that from my perspective I need someone who will understand my occasional freakouts and not make my disorder about them. I've had relationships in the past with people who would have panic attacks or major anxiety or become super controlling when I had an episode. I've decided that I need someone who's competent to handle my issues. Otherwise I HAVE to take a step back, up to and including ending the relationship, because every time I need support most I end up having to put them back together or distance myself, one of the two. That's not to say that they can't have any insecurities or baggage. Everyone does. But as a sufferer, I can't be in a relationship with someone who takes on my stuff to that extent. There's a difference between helping someone through something and making it your personal burden. Also, if that's happening, there needs to be an effort on their part to get to a place where the relationship can be healthy. I'm making an effort to work on me and on my relationships, my partner needs to be willing and able to do that too. Otherwise it becomes a blame game of "you and your PTSD are ruining both of our lives" except that it happens in subtle ways. Being asked "When are you seeing your T again?" by a partner who was non-responsive on the couch for half the day after I had a flashback and then tried to move on with life is a real slap in the face.

Apparently some spontaneous stomach bug has had him chucking his guts up all of a sudden. What a coincidence.
If you don't trust him, perhaps you should think about this a bit. Or talk to him about how his excuses make you feel. Maybe it's just me:text medium isn't perfect, but I read a lot of resentment here.
I also would recommend from personal experience that you try not to assume things about his symptoms. Maybe he's really sick. Even if it is stress, he may really be sick. It's not to say don't learn from the past or try to predict his behavior based on what you know of him. But do it based on what you know of him as a person rather than him as a diagnosis. I caution only because my observation is it's really easy to slide into a space where everything your partner does is because of the disorder. And that's simply not the case. We're all complex people who react to everything differently.

I wish you luck
 
Panic attacks are making her a better supporter!?!?!?!

SMH

Yes, you're making his disorder about you. I've noticed it in other threads of yours as well. Sufferers don't need the added stress of having to constantly reassure their SO.
 
I'm at work and don't have time to completely read this whole thread right now, but I will tonight. I'm still freaking out myself so I can sympathize. As for being ready to be a supporter I don't know if anyone can ever be ready for it. You just have to figure the person is worth waiting for and hope they come back. How does one do that without getting upset? We get upset because we care. I guess the more time that passes the more confident we'll be that they'll come back. I'll post more later when I have more time, but believe me, I'm right where you are.
 
Yikes. I thank you for your comments @Solara and @Kefira, but perhaps you have not seen some of the threads I've posted where I talk about my own condition. I have suffered from generalised anxiety, social anxiety and panic disorder for most of my life. And I have severe trust issues from a long term, emotionally abusive relationship. So I can confidently say that my reaction is definitely more about me and my issues (read: baggage) than it is about him. And yes, I am in therapy, and personally, I think I've come a long way! (thought it might not seem like it to the casual observer :-D )

This recent post sums up some of the more major issues I've been trying to resolve within myself (sorry, it's a long post, but might shed some light on my issues):

https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/i’m-proud-of-myself-today-because….49307/

Because of the traumatic experiences I've had in past relationships, and the maladaptive coping strategies that I seem to have developed as a response, I think there's a good chance that I would be freaking out in any relationship with anyone right now - PTSD sufferer or not. It wasn't until I entered into this new relationship that I realised exactly how much more healing I need to do in order to participate in a healthy way in this relationship. My T tells me that some healing can only take place within a relationship, so I just need to buckle down and do some serious work on my issues in order to prevent my fears from tearing this relationship apart! (my words not hers :) )

It's a work in progress. But you're absolutely right - if I cannot learn to manage my anxiety and panic attacks better, then this relationship probably won't go very far. I have recognised that. And that is why I come to this forum. This is where I come to do my freaking out and get advice from others about how to cope in a more healthy way.

Oh, and when I said "what a coincidence" - from your reaction, that came out wrong. I do believe that he was sick last night. Admittedly I was a little peeved when I wrote that. I knew he was struggling, so I was surprised when he invited me over, but then quite upset when he suddenly cancelled. Knowing him as I do, I am willing to bet that he was trying his hardest to accommodate me, when really he was in a bad way and cancelling was the right thing for him to do. Sometimes it takes me a little while to appreciate his POV. So yeah, it was a bit mean of me to say it like that. Again, it's not him, it's me. I hate being stood up because it stirs up my fears very badly. And to do it three days in a row was a bit rough.

I do appreciate sufferers giving their perspective on these matters, but sometimes you guys come across a little strong! Yeah I have issues, but I do my utmost every single day to shield my partner from these, because I know it will not help him or the relationship for me to dump my shit on him.

Thank you @Glara and @Purplemunchkin for your words of support. Appreciated.
 
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Yes, you're making his disorder about you. I've noticed it in other threads of yours as well. Sufferers don't need the added stress of having to constantly reassure their SO.

Yes, I know that I do this. I'm working on it. I know I'm labouring the point now, but I do NOT constantly ask my sufferer for reassurance. I am learning how to comfort myself. And given that I have never possessed those skills, it's a long hard road. Doesn't happen overnight. But it WILL happen, I will make sure of it.
 
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