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On firing t

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Moozie

So I went to Janina Fisher's workshop a few weeks ago and when I came back it was clear to me that I had to fire T and that I could no longer stand to see her with the amount of anger/ resentment harbouring inside of me. I was hesitant to do it at first and wondered if I was being too sensitive but I decided to pull the trigger after I got a chance to talk it through with some therapist friends at the workshop..

In a nutshell, I lost trust in her when she uttered the words 'we don't want to blame your mom'. She said she didn't mean anything by it and that she thinks in life it's healthy to wish everyone well.. even those who hurt us... But I couldn't help but feel like what she said was pretty insensitive given the fact that we hadn't worked on processing any of the trauma or abuse yet.

She said this a few sessions after I gave her more details about how my mother physically hurt me as a kid (and I only did so because she kept asking me for more details so she could fill in the blanks). I told her not to tell me that bc I have a right to be angry at my mother. But a few sessions later she said it again.. We don't want to blame your mom... We want to wish her well...so I reminded her again not to say it.. She said she would agree not to.. But it didn't matter.. My trust was out the window. I knew deep down that she couldn't handle my negative feelings and anger towards my mother.. Maybe because she's a mother herself..

So with that I wrote her an email. Thanked her for her help and explained to her once again why I was letting her go in hopes that she would apologize for hurting me... I told her once again that hearing her say that I shouldn't blame my mom had an impact on me being able to trust the therapy she was offering. It took me years to take the blame off myself and to place it on my mom, where it belongs, and so to hear those words from her sort of undermined all the work I had done so far and caused me to feel afraid that I was wrong in being angry at her or wanting to blame her. But the more I think about the more I'm reassured that it's OK to place blame where it belongs. I shouldn't have experiences of being cornered and beaten up and I shouldn't
know what it's like to have my own mother's teeth digging into my body as a way to release her anger. and on top of that being blamed for the barbaric behavior. That's how I justify it to myself.

While I believe that it's not beneficial to stay stuck in anger and in blaming others, I think in my case it's important to place blame where it belongs and to feel the anger that was never felt. I believe that anger is an antidote to depression and what doesn't get handed back gets passed on to the next generation.

Her response was pretty dumb and angered me even more.. She was like.. I'm sorry to hear that yes your anger is justified but i have to correct the impression you have of me... I just meant that in life it's better to wish everyone well.

Do you guys think I over reacted?
 
No, I don't think you overreacted.

"We don't want to blame your abuser" is definitely a valid deal breaker. Precisely for the reasons you listed.

"In life, it's better to wish everyone well" wouldn't do it for me either. While I respect people who try to be compassionate with everyone, I wouldn't let anyone tell me how to feel towards my abusers. Especially if it comes in the form of a life lesson.

Oh and by the way, I think it's totally possible to blame someone and wish them well at the same time. And I don't like this use of "We".

You ex-therapist made me angry too !!

I hope you'll find a therapist that will suit you better.
 
I am so sorry your T said that to you and am happy that you found the courage to end it and move on to someone who will treat you better. I struggle with trying to not blame myself for all of my abuse but my T is so caring and patient. He always tells me that my abusers were responsible for their actions. Although this is still a hard concept for me to accept I do like the terminology of holding them responsible for their actions versus laying blame. It makes me feel like I am being bad if I "blame" them but holding them "responsible for their actions" is an easier term for me to handle. Good luck to you. You deserve better. I am glad you are standing up for yourself.
 
thanks for your reassuring words....I hope my next T will help with my anger.It's hard to tell sometimes. I was seeing this T for 6 months straight before things fell apart. fingers crossed for the next one.
 
This crap is a pet peeve of mine.
It is like the creed that my parents "did the best that they could." No...no, they didn't. The best that they could would have meant getting the help they needed to become proper parents. And yes, we may blame them, as we certainly didn't land in this mess on our own, did we?

Red flag when Ts push their own values and beliefs on us. I am glad you are heeding the signs. Take care.
 
So I went to Janina Fisher's workshop a few weeks ago and when I came back it was clear to me that I had to fire T and...
Sorry, I did not read all the posts yet. This is completely ridiculous. You did the right thing in letting that T go. You do not have to wish everyone well in life. WTF?
My T actively blames my mom. She said to me, "Your mom was the original bully." She knows what she is doing. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about putting the blame where it should go. Your mom was the adult! The one in charge! Your mom f*cked up and hurt you and realizing that is painful, but important. I profoundly disagree with this t.
Anger is actually powerful and necc in trauma healing. I hate all those lines about forgiveness. In my opinion, forgiveness is not the goal. Forgiveness is about accepting the fact that you cannot change the past.
I think I forgive my mom sometimes then I take it back. It is a constant changing process. But yeah I would have dumped that T no problem.
 
I don't think you over-reacted. Forgiveness doesn't mean wishing them well. It means letting go of the expectation of recompense. At least, to me. You SHOULD blame her - you were the innocent child. She was the cruel, selfish adult. You have every right to be angry. It should have never happened. Coming at it from a Christian slant - Jesus got so angry at the lying and cheating in the temple, that he very deliberately took the time to braid a whip, then went in and used that whip to drive the liars and cheaters out and he knocked down all their tables. If He can get that angry, surely it's okay for us to be angry at injustice too? I don't know what I'd do if my T tried to tell me I shouldn't blame the people who hurt me. NOT blaming them would feel like I was taking the blame on myself. Maybe it's a distortion, but I feel like when wrong is done between people, someone is to blame - whether it's one party or all.
 
I know a lot of therapists use Buddhist Psychology, but I think she has it wrong. It does good to wish lovingkindness towards everyone, but first you have to work on the anger and betrayal that caused the trauma. If you ever get to the point where you can offer your mother lovingkindness, that would be great, but you don't start at the end.
 
thanks for all of your support everyone..reading each of your comments was a tremendous help. Just to update, I discussed this with my new sensorimotor therapist and he also agreed that my T should have known better. He said that we dont have to like everyone in life and what she said to me was very dismissing.
he shared that his father was very mean and despite the fact that he did his best in taking care of him in his old age, he did not like him and told him that there was no excuse for his violent behavior towards him as a child. he also said in our work together if he says something that is dismissing that he wants me to tell him and he will try his best to repair things with me. another really amazing thing he said was that i want you to know that if i was your older brother i would have told your mother to back off and stopped her from beating you. it was really nice to hear that especially since my dad didnt do much to protect me. he recently told me that he would be shocked at how aggressive my mom would get towards because it was so bad that i wouldnt be able to move. when i asked him why he didnt stop her, he was like ohhh it wasnt that bad, it was a slap or pinch here or there :(

the complicated part of all this is that I treated my little brother the same way. i had to take care of him when i was 13 and alone with him after school and sometimes we would get into fights and i couldnt control myself and i would hit him really hard. i feel like such a hypocrite being mad at my mom for beating me up when I did the same thing towards my brother. I've apologized to him lots since it happened but he keeps brushing it off as unimportant and says that it didnt effect him and im over thinking things. But deep down i know that it hurt him and i just cant forgive myself. it sucks.

anyway, going back to my mom, it's so wonderful and relieving to feel like I am not an evil bitch for disliking my mother for the physical abuse.
 
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