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One Day Doing Okay - The Next Day Want To Go Away

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VioletButterfly

MyPTSD Pro
Please move this if it's in the wrong category. I wasn't sure where to put it.

I truly don't understand this up and down thing. I really don't. I don't know if it's the stress I've been going through in real time or if it's the amount of time I've been dealing with this whole trauma thing (10 yrs on a conscious level), but I truly wish someone(s) could explain this up and down instability. It's freaking me, making me want to give up, taking away my light and resiliency. I find it hard to try again and again, but I have been. The results have been that it just seems to get worse or go sideways. Is it chemical? Is it emotional? Is it individual?

I see others grapple with it out here and I feel inside, so I just have to ask. I'm so lost. I read my posts and they freak the heck out of me. They're very black and white or bi-polar, even. I don't know what to make of them. Am I just at the end of a rope, hanging onto the knot at the end? I feel like I'm trying more to baseline stay alive than to heal these days. Is it just one disappointment after another, complicated by the stress of knowing I have to go back into the work world? Heck, I don't know. I feel like I need a room at shrinks at this point, not just one. No wonder I want to self-medicate. There is no wonder anymore in my mind, I just know it's bad for me and have refrained for 2 days this time and had refrained for over a period of months before taking Sertaline. Thoughts? Insights? A very frustrated, scared, and rattled VB. Tks.
 
I hear you - it seems like this thing just never gets any better. One problem after another in life and it is so hard to bear.

Today I have been having a very hard time, pondering what is going to happen to me - it feels passive, like I am powerless to do anything to change my future - and feeling very alone in the world. It's hard.
 
I truly don't understand this up and down thing.
I think this is the nature of PTSD (especially of the complex/developmental sort). The trick is to figure out how to get all your parts working together in a more balanced way.
I find it hard to try again and again, but I have been. The results have been that it just seems to get worse or go sideways. Is it chemical? Is it emotional? Is it individual?
This was true/is true for me too. I keep trying and trying and everything seems to just get worse. Have just begun to realize that the reason for this is that the parts of me that are "trying" are actually trying to deny/avoid the reality of what other parts are experiencing...e.g., "trying" to be normal. Then I just wipe out at some point and crash.
I'm so lost. I read my posts and they freak the heck out of me.
Perhaps this is what happens when our systems start to open up/loosen up a little bit? That we post things on this forum that are different from what we might say to anyone in "normal" life...or even to ourselves. Then if we look back, we think, "What crazy person wrote that? That's not me!" (at least I do...).

I'm feeling pretty lost too. Am just trying to notice that and let myself feel that way. I think it is necessary to get lost in order to begin to heal, if that makes sense?
 
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