419can.dance
Confident
I am sitting in the waiting area of CHCS.
Coffee has grown chilly. Embarrassed to be sitting here in this lobby.
Again.
I am drowning out the sounds of coughs and throat clearing with headphones. Blasting meditation soundtracks. What ever I can do to get the anxiety controlled. However, the whispers are still getting though. “Alysa.” I look up nobody is there.
“Alysa” I look up. The lady in red is looking at me. She is staring almost. Her brow in a cursed state. She is angry at me. What did I do? Did I offend her? I take myself back into my phone. Break the concentration. “Alysa” But, when I look back up she is on her phone. Do you think the is texting about you? The crazy girl sitting in the corner? “Alysa” If she has a problem I wish she would just say something and not look at me.
17 sets of 4 chairs. 68 chairs.
68 people they could fit in this one lobby. 27 people in here right now.
“Alysa” I look to the right and the man with the black and silver Nike looks away quickly. Oh god. Did he see me counting?!? It’s ok. Just don’t look at him again.
“Alysa” the lady in red called me again. Slowly she eats her chips. She knows I’m uncomfortable. She knows. “Alysa... Alysa” I won’t look up from my phone. I will stay glued right here.
“Alysa” it’s the guy in the black and silver Nikes. He smells like cheap body spray. His beard fresh and hair cut perfectly. But the smile under his facial hair is confusing. Is he smiling at me? Am I putting off a vibe here? “Alysa” WHAT! Why does he keep smiling at me! What does he want?!?
“Alysa” back to the lady in red. She looks away as I glance over.
A lady with eyes on her hand just sat across from me. I immediately complemented her hand eyes. “Alysa” this time it was much more urgent! The Nike man was gone. Where did he go!? He didn’t even say goodbye.
My chest is frowning tighter. My anxiety is climbing.
“Alysa” don’t look. Don’t look!
It was eye hand lady. She smiled at me. And now. She sat next to me. Asked how to get to the children’s hospital. I tried to figure it out. I tried to help her. I don’t know. I don’t know directions. “Alysa” I know. I know. I can help her. I name off a couple of roads. Hopefully one was right. Bus passes are expensive. 31 day bus pass has unlimited rides. “Alysa”
I gotta get out of my head today! Run to the bathroom. Wash those hands. Wash my hands. “Alysa” god it smells in that bathroom.
“Alysa” this one was real. Someone called me. They are trying to get paperwork from the hospital. It is taking a while. But they are trying to get paperwork. I know. I know. I should handle this myself. “Alysa” it is so overwhelming. “Alysa”
Taking a walk in my guided imagery. Down the dirt path. Purple haze leads me in the right direction. “Alysa” the trees are calling me. But, I know if I look off this path... memories are hiding. Lurking in behind the shrubs. “Alysa” purple haze. Purple haze. Picking flowers along my path. The dirt path that crunches with every step.
I find a spot right there in the middle “Alysa” of the path. It looks so perfect to sit. I cross my legs and the dirt grounds me entirely. The smell of the cows in the distance. The colors of the blooming flowers. I run my hands over the dirt. Grasping a bit in my had. Crushing the small dirt rocks as I release it back unto the path itself. This is my path. This is my sanctuary. I am safe here. “Alysa” But, pain in my stomach interrupts the peace and tranquillity I have found. I need to eat. I already gained 4 pounds this week.
“Alysa” I am sitting back in the corner of the CHCS lobby. In an instant my comfort is gone. “Alysa” I HATE hearing my name! The whisper knows this. The whisper temps me. “Alysa” what does it really want to say? I try and listen but it never says anything else. Merely calling attention to the left and right. I have yet to answer the whisper behind me. “Alysa” It knows I hear it. It knows I am typing about it right now. I can feel a presence right behind me.
I am sitting against the wall. “Alysa” Nothing is behind me. You aren’t there. “Alysa” you aren’t real! Nothing but wall. Behind the wall is a road. “Alysa” the road cannot call me. Something is CALLING ME! ”Alysa” It was the lady in red. The lady in the red is looking at me again. Though she tries to hide it by lookin at her phone. I know she is watching me. I can hear her typing my name. “Alysa” I know this is all a delusion. I know this isn’t happening. “Alysa” this is simply my brain misfiring. My brain is working too hard. “Alysa” this whisper is calming. I know these three are here to help me through this. “Alysa” they are here to keep me grounded. Who is saying it though. That’s all I want to know. “Alysa” who is whispering to me?
Coffee has grown chilly. Embarrassed to be sitting here in this lobby.
Again.
I am drowning out the sounds of coughs and throat clearing with headphones. Blasting meditation soundtracks. What ever I can do to get the anxiety controlled. However, the whispers are still getting though. “Alysa.” I look up nobody is there.
“Alysa” I look up. The lady in red is looking at me. She is staring almost. Her brow in a cursed state. She is angry at me. What did I do? Did I offend her? I take myself back into my phone. Break the concentration. “Alysa” But, when I look back up she is on her phone. Do you think the is texting about you? The crazy girl sitting in the corner? “Alysa” If she has a problem I wish she would just say something and not look at me.
17 sets of 4 chairs. 68 chairs.
68 people they could fit in this one lobby. 27 people in here right now.
“Alysa” I look to the right and the man with the black and silver Nike looks away quickly. Oh god. Did he see me counting?!? It’s ok. Just don’t look at him again.
“Alysa” the lady in red called me again. Slowly she eats her chips. She knows I’m uncomfortable. She knows. “Alysa... Alysa” I won’t look up from my phone. I will stay glued right here.
“Alysa” it’s the guy in the black and silver Nikes. He smells like cheap body spray. His beard fresh and hair cut perfectly. But the smile under his facial hair is confusing. Is he smiling at me? Am I putting off a vibe here? “Alysa” WHAT! Why does he keep smiling at me! What does he want?!?
“Alysa” back to the lady in red. She looks away as I glance over.
A lady with eyes on her hand just sat across from me. I immediately complemented her hand eyes. “Alysa” this time it was much more urgent! The Nike man was gone. Where did he go!? He didn’t even say goodbye.
My chest is frowning tighter. My anxiety is climbing.
“Alysa” don’t look. Don’t look!
It was eye hand lady. She smiled at me. And now. She sat next to me. Asked how to get to the children’s hospital. I tried to figure it out. I tried to help her. I don’t know. I don’t know directions. “Alysa” I know. I know. I can help her. I name off a couple of roads. Hopefully one was right. Bus passes are expensive. 31 day bus pass has unlimited rides. “Alysa”
I gotta get out of my head today! Run to the bathroom. Wash those hands. Wash my hands. “Alysa” god it smells in that bathroom.
“Alysa” this one was real. Someone called me. They are trying to get paperwork from the hospital. It is taking a while. But they are trying to get paperwork. I know. I know. I should handle this myself. “Alysa” it is so overwhelming. “Alysa”
Taking a walk in my guided imagery. Down the dirt path. Purple haze leads me in the right direction. “Alysa” the trees are calling me. But, I know if I look off this path... memories are hiding. Lurking in behind the shrubs. “Alysa” purple haze. Purple haze. Picking flowers along my path. The dirt path that crunches with every step.
I find a spot right there in the middle “Alysa” of the path. It looks so perfect to sit. I cross my legs and the dirt grounds me entirely. The smell of the cows in the distance. The colors of the blooming flowers. I run my hands over the dirt. Grasping a bit in my had. Crushing the small dirt rocks as I release it back unto the path itself. This is my path. This is my sanctuary. I am safe here. “Alysa” But, pain in my stomach interrupts the peace and tranquillity I have found. I need to eat. I already gained 4 pounds this week.
“Alysa” I am sitting back in the corner of the CHCS lobby. In an instant my comfort is gone. “Alysa” I HATE hearing my name! The whisper knows this. The whisper temps me. “Alysa” what does it really want to say? I try and listen but it never says anything else. Merely calling attention to the left and right. I have yet to answer the whisper behind me. “Alysa” It knows I hear it. It knows I am typing about it right now. I can feel a presence right behind me.
I am sitting against the wall. “Alysa” Nothing is behind me. You aren’t there. “Alysa” you aren’t real! Nothing but wall. Behind the wall is a road. “Alysa” the road cannot call me. Something is CALLING ME! ”Alysa” It was the lady in red. The lady in the red is looking at me again. Though she tries to hide it by lookin at her phone. I know she is watching me. I can hear her typing my name. “Alysa” I know this is all a delusion. I know this isn’t happening. “Alysa” this is simply my brain misfiring. My brain is working too hard. “Alysa” this whisper is calming. I know these three are here to help me through this. “Alysa” they are here to keep me grounded. Who is saying it though. That’s all I want to know. “Alysa” who is whispering to me?
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