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One hour documented/is documenting episodes making them worse?

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419can.dance

Confident
I am sitting in the waiting area of CHCS.
Coffee has grown chilly. Embarrassed to be sitting here in this lobby.
Again.
I am drowning out the sounds of coughs and throat clearing with headphones. Blasting meditation soundtracks. What ever I can do to get the anxiety controlled. However, the whispers are still getting though. “Alysa.” I look up nobody is there.
“Alysa” I look up. The lady in red is looking at me. She is staring almost. Her brow in a cursed state. She is angry at me. What did I do? Did I offend her? I take myself back into my phone. Break the concentration. “Alysa” But, when I look back up she is on her phone. Do you think the is texting about you? The crazy girl sitting in the corner? “Alysa” If she has a problem I wish she would just say something and not look at me.

17 sets of 4 chairs. 68 chairs.
68 people they could fit in this one lobby. 27 people in here right now.

“Alysa” I look to the right and the man with the black and silver Nike looks away quickly. Oh god. Did he see me counting?!? It’s ok. Just don’t look at him again.

“Alysa” the lady in red called me again. Slowly she eats her chips. She knows I’m uncomfortable. She knows. “Alysa... Alysa” I won’t look up from my phone. I will stay glued right here.
“Alysa” it’s the guy in the black and silver Nikes. He smells like cheap body spray. His beard fresh and hair cut perfectly. But the smile under his facial hair is confusing. Is he smiling at me? Am I putting off a vibe here? “Alysa” WHAT! Why does he keep smiling at me! What does he want?!?

“Alysa” back to the lady in red. She looks away as I glance over.

A lady with eyes on her hand just sat across from me. I immediately complemented her hand eyes. “Alysa” this time it was much more urgent! The Nike man was gone. Where did he go!? He didn’t even say goodbye.

My chest is frowning tighter. My anxiety is climbing.
“Alysa” don’t look. Don’t look!
It was eye hand lady. She smiled at me. And now. She sat next to me. Asked how to get to the children’s hospital. I tried to figure it out. I tried to help her. I don’t know. I don’t know directions. “Alysa” I know. I know. I can help her. I name off a couple of roads. Hopefully one was right. Bus passes are expensive. 31 day bus pass has unlimited rides. “Alysa”
I gotta get out of my head today! Run to the bathroom. Wash those hands. Wash my hands. “Alysa” god it smells in that bathroom.

“Alysa” this one was real. Someone called me. They are trying to get paperwork from the hospital. It is taking a while. But they are trying to get paperwork. I know. I know. I should handle this myself. “Alysa” it is so overwhelming. “Alysa”

Taking a walk in my guided imagery. Down the dirt path. Purple haze leads me in the right direction. “Alysa” the trees are calling me. But, I know if I look off this path... memories are hiding. Lurking in behind the shrubs. “Alysa” purple haze. Purple haze. Picking flowers along my path. The dirt path that crunches with every step.
I find a spot right there in the middle “Alysa” of the path. It looks so perfect to sit. I cross my legs and the dirt grounds me entirely. The smell of the cows in the distance. The colors of the blooming flowers. I run my hands over the dirt. Grasping a bit in my had. Crushing the small dirt rocks as I release it back unto the path itself. This is my path. This is my sanctuary. I am safe here. “Alysa” But, pain in my stomach interrupts the peace and tranquillity I have found. I need to eat. I already gained 4 pounds this week.
“Alysa” I am sitting back in the corner of the CHCS lobby. In an instant my comfort is gone. “Alysa” I HATE hearing my name! The whisper knows this. The whisper temps me. “Alysa” what does it really want to say? I try and listen but it never says anything else. Merely calling attention to the left and right. I have yet to answer the whisper behind me. “Alysa” It knows I hear it. It knows I am typing about it right now. I can feel a presence right behind me.
I am sitting against the wall. “Alysa” Nothing is behind me. You aren’t there. “Alysa” you aren’t real! Nothing but wall. Behind the wall is a road. “Alysa” the road cannot call me. Something is CALLING ME! ”Alysa” It was the lady in red. The lady in the red is looking at me again. Though she tries to hide it by lookin at her phone. I know she is watching me. I can hear her typing my name. “Alysa” I know this is all a delusion. I know this isn’t happening. “Alysa” this is simply my brain misfiring. My brain is working too hard. “Alysa” this whisper is calming. I know these three are here to help me through this. “Alysa” they are here to keep me grounded. Who is saying it though. That’s all I want to know. “Alysa” who is whispering to me?
 
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It's pretty scary to hear things that aren't there.

In my encounter with psychosis, I heard my name being said or whispered, and all sorts of things. I heard people going "shhhhh!" whenever I talked, I heard people yelling things, like the name of my abuser, as if he was in the room. All of it was hallucinated. There were visual hallucinations, too. I was having delusions, I was recognizing patterns that either weren't there or were pure coincidence, I thought people were conspiring either against or for me (paranoia and pronoia). Sleep deprivation made it worse.

From things you've said before, it seems like you might be really stressed out. Maybe hearing voices and experiencing these things you're experiencing is related to being stressed beyond the point you can handle? Is hearing voices something that you've had going on for a long time, or is it a more recent thing?

Have you thought about seeing a professional, about the whispers? They can help these things stop.
 
Okay.
These whispers.
They only say my name.
“Alysa.” <- very soft comforting whisper)
but. I am waiting for my prescriptions and started to think back on my day. Scanning the lobby. Then I was helping a young mom back her big “Alysa” truck out. She was literally running over the car next to her. “Alysa” I started giving her directions to back out.
(Typing this I already know what’s coming so I am very anxious and the whispers are way too loud I will be back.)
 
@419can.dance I think you really need to get honest with someone professional involved in your care about this as soon as possible.
Is there anyone you can speak to today about it?

I see you're posting about it in the 'dissociation' forum, but it sounds like there might be something else going on for you here.
 
@419can.danceI see you're posting about it in the 'dissociation' forum, but it sounds like there might be something else going on for you here.

I was thinking the same thing, just because of my experience with psychosis, and how it was the only time I ever heard voices.

@419can.dance it might just be your name being whispered, for now. Or maybe you're already at the point where you're hallucinating more things, and just not realizing they are hallucinations. Most of the things that I knew were hallucinations, are only known as hallucinations because people told me that that shit didn't happen. It's only in retrospect that I have been able to figure out "okay, so all those things were just hallucinated... wow holy shit I f*cking was hallucinating shit." Sorry if that's a bit of a mindf*ck for me to say.

I'm also reading the later responses from @419can.dance and it's reminding me of the way I was talking/typing when I was in that state. There seems to be a looser sense of meaning and association, which is something that happens during psychosis. No offense meant - I only want to help.

Also I totally second going to a professional with this - just on the off chance you're experiencing psychosis or the early stages of it, @419can.dance. Acute psychosis can get pretty crazy and -extremely- terrifying, it's not worth waiting - go get help ASAP, seriously. There's nothing wrong with experiencing psychosis. They aren't going to lock you in a psych ward or do anything like that, at least not from the psychosis itself. It happens to people - it doesn't mean you have some serious mental condition outside of PTSD. It can happen to anyone, under the right circumstances.

The good news is that it's easily curable. A nice dose of haldol brought me back from the abyss, along with a hefty amount of lorazepam to calm me down. I know from personal experience, that trauma can lead to psychosis. I know that if I were subjected to extreme events, or really stressful events, I'd probably have a pretty good chance of going psychotic again. However, I don't need to take any medications to remain non-psychotic. I'm not on any antipsychotics, I only needed the haldol to bring me out of it, not to keep me out of it.

There's nothing to fear - just talk to someone who is involved in your care, and tell them about the voices. Talk to them for a while.
 
I was thinking the same thing, just because of my experience with psychosis, and how it was the only time I ever heard voices....
I cannot thank you enough for your words.
I don’t wven know what to type. Really in this situation I just became extremely emotional. The calm whisper is here.
My mother told me it is just my own voice calming me. That I trained my brain that way.
Ugh. Making me feel like I need to hide this. I am embarrassed. I like them. But, I don’t like THEM! That makes no sense. I’m sorry.
 
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I cannot thank you enough for your words.
I don’t wven know what to type. Really in this situati...
It is very hard to tell people about hearing voices and things like that, and I totally understand the feelings of embarrassment. The sooner you get help, the less the embarrassment will be in the end, but ultimately it's nothing to feel embarrassed about. It can just be hard to convince yourself of that. You're not at fault here, your brain is just going through a hard time.

How long have you been hearing the voices? I don't think you "trained your brain" to do that, I think it's probably a reaction to extreme emotion.

I also know first hand that it can be really hard to tell people about this stuff while it's going on, both because you're afraid of their reaction, and because the things going on in your head make it more difficult to actually tell them and have them understand. Showing them this thread wouldn't be a bad idea, like what @Freida said.

It's best to get help while you're still able to recognize that something is wrong, trust me on that. Getting to the point where you're not experiencing reality, or are interpreting reality in a completely unreal way, is not fun. It's super scary.

There was a time during my psychosis, where I realized I was experiencing psychosis, but I was too afraid to tell anyone about it and get help.

I wish I had gotten help sooner, because I would have avoided a whole lot of suffering. Talk to a professional, don't be afraid. Ask someone qualified to evaluate you for psychosis.
 
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