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One Successful Thing For Myself Of The Past 4 Years

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As pointless as it seems my behavior of escape into distractions has been... I have spent time during the past 4 years working on my art, and this is the only distraction that has left something of use to me.

It comes and goes as something to hold my attention-- Energy builds and then releases in my sounds.

It takes a long time to become your own fan, when you make anything creative. It is difficult. Even if you pull it off once, that leaves you in a state of depletion and while longing to do it again, there is not often any spark there to re-create the organic success that you experienced.

I did not comprehend my efforts as authentic expression of myself until recently. It is the ONLY thing I feel I've been able to do in my life that communicates me as a true human being. Therefore it is my one success.

Words don't express it, nothing does, only the sound. It's something else from what I feel in affection for my child, that is a bond & connection, that plugs me in to being human, what I am.

The art plugs me in to accepting my real self, who I am. When I realized that writing a song was an act of emotional validation, leaving an object I could revisit to feel real again when I needed to, that's when I became truly my own fan.
 
Well said, Dreams.
The finest experience I have had in life is when my voice and guitar mesh over waves of a song I have written myself. It creates a euphoric splash I call, "Angel kisses" which tingle through every fiber of my being. It is a moment in which makes all the rest worthwhile and even sensible.

May you bless the world with many more such moments.
 
Years ago when I didn't know I had PTSD and was just living like an uncomprehending wounded animal, I noticed there was only one time I felt temporarily strong, temporarily whole, temporarily without demoralization and emptiness and self hate - and that was when I worked on my form of art. I committed to it one hour a day. I think it saved me.

I wish I could make music like you in addition! Music saved me too. Listening and singing my heart out in my apartment.
 
Beautiful way to express it. Your words express it wonderfully, and there is a sense that it is so much more. I'm glad you found yourself.
 
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