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Only feel love when spiralling downwards

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I have finally come to the realization that I feel the most loved when I am spiraling downwards. This is when people show true care and concern for me including my T when I disclose cutting, depression, anxiety, etc.. It is almost as if I dont know how to connect to others or feel that love outside of this context. This is when people want to invite me over, talk to me, etc.. And I thought I had stopped this thinking when last year I actually lost a couple of friends due to this... I keep telling myself that people care for me more and like me more when I am not a mess but these are just thoughts and not the reality going on inside of me. i know this sounds really manipulative but, I want my T to think I'm doing worse than I am...I want her to think I'm suffering so, that i can feel cared for by her again. Does anyone feel this way? Should I tell this to my T?
 
This isn’t exactly the same but I feel I want pity from my t. Like when I talk about the past I want people to feel really bad for me. I think it’s a pretty normal want and I also know that, for me, it comes from my mom using that as her way of getting attention. You will definitely see people caring “more” when you’re at risk because people generally want to help others. I wouldn’t say you’re loved MORE in those times, it’s just that that’s when it’s more obvious and people let their own stuff go for a bit to try and help. I think it’s really cool that you’re noticing this behavior and questioning it. That’s huge. If I were you, and I had cared enough about this topic to post it in a forum, I would for sure mention it. She won’t take away care when you feel low but it will be good for her to know. I would stress that you’ll be upfront and honest though about when you’re sincerely feeling low and tell her you’ll maybe point out when you’re otherwise just feeling the desire to feel low to get more attention. You could say something like “I really need to feel extra cared for today” instead. As a way of really tapping into your needs and therapy is such a great place to practice that!
 
Hi @WishfulThinking123.... Maybe its more about the attention you get at those times....

Like the only time some people get any kind of attention and care is when they are sick right?.. So it's totally understandable if you have used this to get attention because you wouldn't get any otherwise. Please don't take offence.. I don't think it's being manipulative... At all....

It's a coping mechanism... I don't think you should be hard on yourself either.
If you feel it's a problem talk to your t.

I think it shows great insight and courage... And you will figure it out... I'm sorry you lost friends before. Take care
 
I find the care to be very foreign. I may even obsess in my mind the way it felt to have a moment where someone knew my dark horrible secrets and showed kindness towards me. Not very many non-forum people know. Just my T and a couple of friends. I do have some forum friends that check on me frequently. When I spout out my issues, it is because I really have no one else to talk to that could possibly understand. When I am in a trauma loop, especially on emdr weeks, I may not even feel the care that people are showing me because I am hiding in a corner in my mind hoping that stuff people say will make it all go away. But it doesn’t go away, I have to ride it out.
 
Thanks for your honesty Xena! I also want to make it clear because, I think I didn't express it well I didn't lose friends because, of this problem I lost friends because of disclosing my actual problems which i probably disclosed in order to receive care and support for...its all so confusing. Thank you for your support and no offense taken! I really do want honesty... I just dont know how to stop this "coping" mechanism as you called it... I have been using it for sooo long. I'm only just now facing it and realizing what I am doing
 
I think it’s a really important realization you’re having. I think I identify with this, but in my own experience I tend to either feel okay and have zero need for care (awesome when it happens), feel triggered/sad/anxious and feel like I need to know I’m not alone (most often the state I’m in) , or extremely low, wanting to SI/disappear/ in a shame spiral (once every few months) and then I don’t reach out because I don’t want anyone to know and nothing they say or do helps. It’s that middle ground where I’ve learned I can email my t and say “I just need to know you’re there,” and she’ll respond. That makes me feel cared for, and I don’t have to pretend I’m worse than I am, or even necessarily know why I need to know she’s there. I just feel that need for care and can ask for it. I feel like that’s honest and okay to do and has been really helpful.
 
@NightSky your post actually better describes how it is for me. I will also send my T an email that says, “I just need to know that you are still out there, somewhere.” Her responses are very comforting. I tend to assume that comforters will vanish into thin air. When they do push me away, it is crippling. It makes it scary to trust.
 
@NightSky For some reason just getting a email from my T back- when I send her some email about how poorly I'm doing makes me feel comforted and I will read it every day I dont know if that makes me sound like a wierdo... That is very awesome Nightsky and TexCat that you can be so honest and say i just need to know youre there. That's my issue I feel so alone and I dont know how to get a deeper relationship with anyone or feel cared for unless I just self destruct..I'm also in the self destruct mindset now to where I just dont give a f*ck.... if I didn't have people who I'm responsible for I would just completely ruin my life again... I just hate myself well thats where I'm at...eventhough I was doing so well
 
We see eachother sure...but there are no meaningful conversations, no emotional connection, just chit chat...how are u good how are u, what you do today kind of stuff...
 
When I get an email back I also read and reread and it helps me feel more stabilized. I finally got to the place where I told her I feel so childish needing to know she’s there. And she said it’s okay, it’s to be expected when she’s the one I’ve shared so much with and that she cares and is there for me and wants me to always know that. So if I forget, I can ask. I read somewhere (and have been searching for it and can’t seem to figure out which book it was in) about how certain kinds of trauma happen in a way that makes us feel so alone while it’s happening, and that feeling of being alone later is so debilitating. I have some very good friends who are willing to listen and process intense things with me and I encourage you to find people, because they’re out there. But even with a lot of support I have extremely “alone” periods where it feels scary and hopeless. I also read in the book I just finished that it’s common for trauma survivors to be triggered by too much closeness and not enough closeness equally. Which I find to be very true and perpetuates the aloneness. I’m sorry you’re feeling like you hate yourself right now. You’re doing the work. That’s obvious by what you’re learning. Keep it up. And talk to your T about this. I never regret bringing up this kind of thing even though I REALLY hate admitting it.
 
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