I'm really struggling.
Part of the trauma when I was 20 was witnessing what had been done to the person before me. Without going into details, I either saw or was told about what had happened to him. I was kept in the same space, and there were very visible signs. Other signs at other times, too.
Talking about this in therapy, it's clear that I've internalised a lot of what he went through and find it hard to disentangle this from what I went through, especially since I was threatened with the same but experienced something different. (I'm female and he was male, I was unknown to them and he was known, I was there for different reasons.) I keep having dreams with that meaning too, that it's hard to separate his experience from my experience.
My therapist and I have been talking about ways to detach and let him go. She has suggested that I'm holding on to him, as the only person who really understands what the perpetrators were like, and the person who could most understand and believe what I experienced. Then there's also the fact that I'm the only witness to what he experienced, and I'm very aware of that.
When I watched the film of The Lovely Bones, I found it difficult but cathartic. In particular, the scene in heaven where the other victims of her perpetrator came to join her, and said their names and the dates. I want that scene for myself so badly, but don't believe I'll ever have it. To know who the others were as part of who I am... I can't even explain why this feels so important. Because I would have wanted to be a name and not the unidentified victim I so nearly was? Because I want someone else to really understand? Because I don't want to be alone, however bad the experience and however much I don't wish it on someone else, I still don't want to be the only one who had that experience with those people.
I don't know how usual/unusual it is to know anything about the other targets. I feel it's like a blessing and curse.
In the end, of course, it's all trauma. But there's something both validating and horrifying about knowing anything about the others. I'm not sure I want to let go of that. I don't think it's easy to let it go either. I don't know what to do with this.
Part of the trauma when I was 20 was witnessing what had been done to the person before me. Without going into details, I either saw or was told about what had happened to him. I was kept in the same space, and there were very visible signs. Other signs at other times, too.
Talking about this in therapy, it's clear that I've internalised a lot of what he went through and find it hard to disentangle this from what I went through, especially since I was threatened with the same but experienced something different. (I'm female and he was male, I was unknown to them and he was known, I was there for different reasons.) I keep having dreams with that meaning too, that it's hard to separate his experience from my experience.
My therapist and I have been talking about ways to detach and let him go. She has suggested that I'm holding on to him, as the only person who really understands what the perpetrators were like, and the person who could most understand and believe what I experienced. Then there's also the fact that I'm the only witness to what he experienced, and I'm very aware of that.
When I watched the film of The Lovely Bones, I found it difficult but cathartic. In particular, the scene in heaven where the other victims of her perpetrator came to join her, and said their names and the dates. I want that scene for myself so badly, but don't believe I'll ever have it. To know who the others were as part of who I am... I can't even explain why this feels so important. Because I would have wanted to be a name and not the unidentified victim I so nearly was? Because I want someone else to really understand? Because I don't want to be alone, however bad the experience and however much I don't wish it on someone else, I still don't want to be the only one who had that experience with those people.
I don't know how usual/unusual it is to know anything about the other targets. I feel it's like a blessing and curse.
In the end, of course, it's all trauma. But there's something both validating and horrifying about knowing anything about the others. I'm not sure I want to let go of that. I don't think it's easy to let it go either. I don't know what to do with this.
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