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Sexual Assault Overwhelmed

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Mosaic

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I've been sexually assaulted twice, once 3 years ago on a night out by a friend who wanted more and decided to spike my drink and once by an obsessive guy I was seeing at the time. It makes me ashamed that this has happened to me twice, like somehow I bring it on myself. I was diagnosed with PTSD before the second assault happened so you can imagine how much worse it is now.
My boyfriend is very supportive, but I never told him the details of the second assault. He really has no idea what happened, he just knows I freak out if he touches my wrists. After a "reliving" CBT appointment I was in pieces and he told me when I'm ready I need to tell him exactly what happened. I'm scared to.
It's much worse than he thinks it was, im scared he will get angry and go and get revenge, if he does then the guy will come after me, or maybe he won't be able to handle it. I don't know what to do.
 
You were never at fault in what happened to you. Those guys should be ashamed not you. Do you feel you are ready to tell him? Do you trust your boyfriend? If you want to tell him, you could set the rules before telling, like you only want him to listen, but not go in fight/revenge mode, because that will make you feel even worse. Just some suggestions.
 
I can see how this is a very difficult decision for you. I don't think you should base this on how your boyfriend may or may not react which is completely out of your control. If you are comfortable with him and want to share the detail, you shpuld do so. To be honest, my assault was 20 years ago, been married 15 years and I still have never shared the details eitj my husband, only bits and pieces. I don't know if this is right or wrong, but he knows certain triggers for me as a result.
 
I don't think it's ever a good idea to tell our loved ones the details of our traumas. They care so it can be a burden and make them spiral out of control. (There are a number of posts to this effect, supporters who thought they were doing the right thing by listening to trauma details but now wish they never heard it all.) This is why we go to therapy----therapists are trained to hear our stories.

Speaking in general terms is ok, details are generally reserved for therapy. (It can make you spin out of control too and your partner isn't trained to handle that either.)
 
people with ptsd suffer massively with blame and concern for other people`s feelings.
Everyone on here has said the same thing - and there are a lot of very complex beings on here so take heart that the advice is universal.

You are an amazing young woman to be able to have relationships still - to be able to be close to somebody despite the evident horrors of your past.
Take heart. Confide. Be open. Tell your story.

Explain first what your conditions are : you want to tell the story but state what your concerns are - make clear those.

Men find it hard to do nothing when they ... cannot do anything ... they are brought up to be solvers.

Take heart from the fact that you are so strong you can still get close to someone.

You are a warrior. Good luck :)
 
I understand the feeling of being ashamed, I too have been raped twice as an adult....though they have never bothered me other than feeling like I put myself in the situation. I have been able to look back and realise that no, they were not my fault. I have got to totally agree with solara, it does no good to tell partners specific details...we don't know how they are going to react. I've only ever told the bare minimum, what really is beneficial for the both of us..basically triggers. To take the chance of someone taking revenge and risking their own future?...I personally just couldn't take the risk...a Therapist is the one to guide you through this.
 
Mosaic.......can I please emphasize something...I mean it with the best of intentions. When a partner tells you that you NEED to tell them, when you are ready.......you do not NEED to tell them anything that you don't feel comfortable sharing. Please NEVER feel that you have to share anything. Anyone who does push for details is not giving you the respect you deserve.
 
My hubs knows all of it in scientific terms. I don't answer questions. And I try not to go into my feelings per say. Although most of the time, my face and my emotions erupt anyway, but not with words. He has been very supportive. He understands and supports me as long as I am helping myself get better. (I don't get to sulk much....) If I say I need two days of bed and being alone, he will give me that. But be ready to get out of bed by day 3. Which I think is exactly what I need.

I would first start with your worst triggers. Use correct anatomy words. No names of people. You don't need to say what it makes you feel. For example: Don't blow air by my ear. Don't whisper in my ear. Nothing else needs to be said. If he asks why then tell him I'm not ready to say. If he doesn't accept that and keeps pushing...well, then, we have a different issue that needs to be addressed called boundary respect.

Keep in mind that even if you do tell him, he may not be capable of seeing or be able to empathize with your feelings. He just simply can not. It's not a deal breaker though. Majority of people can't. That's what makes this site so valuable; you'll find people who get it.

I'm glad you are in therapy. He needs to know that the times after therapy are...fragile. It took a long time for my hubby to not ask, "How'd it go?" Instead he tells me the plans of the day or makes tea, or tells me about the kids. If I can't engage, he is near by, ready to listen, but never pushes. But it took a long time, and I had to TELL him what I wanted. He was not going to read my mind and even if he tried, he's not going to do it well. He does, however, tries not to travel during or after a therapy session. He tries not to fill the day with too many new things or important engagements. He keeps my stressors low. Those are all things we have talked about, discussed, and agreed upon. I hope this helps you. :hug:
 
I really struggled telling my husband the full details of what happened to me (mine was during childhood, but the memories were repressed) - and a lot of it was for the same reason - I was scared he'd go after my father and do something stupid and I'd lose him. That was the last thing I would want or be able to handle - he was the only thing keeping me together, keeping me on the planet.
If, however, you can find the courage, it was the best thing I ever did. My hubby actually cried when I told him one story - which kind of made me feel bad, but when he explained he was upset because he just hated the idea of something like that happening to me, I was so happy I told him.
One thing I did do, which I think is very important, is I was very upfront about my fears before I told him (recommended by my therapist). "Say the simple, honest, dumb stuff" he used to always say. So I did. I told him I was worried about telling him because I thought he might get angry and try and hurt my father - and the one thing I could handle the least, the one thing that would totally wreck me was losing him. If he went to jail, or something happened to him, I wouldn't cope and I would blame myself because he was my world and I love him so much.
It is also good to tell your partner how they can help you - what they can actively do? Men feel an innate want to fix things and protect, but as long as they feel like they are able to actively do something to help, however small, that is usually enough for them. It may be as simple as hugging you.

I know the feeling of thinking there is somehow something wrong with you because you were assaulted by more than one person. I was abused by my father and my grandfather and my mother blamed it on me. I used to think there must have been something defective about me, something about me that deserved it because three people had treated me so poorly. But you did nothing wrong. Honestly - you just simply can't bring it upon yourself. It is impossible, because there is never an excuse. I should be able to walk down the street naked (not that I do, lol!) and not be attacked or abused, if I wanted to. You were simply hugely unlucky. That goes against what our brains what us to think, because they want to look for connections and patterns, but that is the simple truth. It was just a very shitty roll of the dice, which doesn't help you now as you try and pick up the pieces, but hopefully helps you to not feel responsible. The only people responsible are the a'holes that assaulted you.
 
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