I feel a crushing, literally destructive anxiety after I challenge myself to participate in a biweekly activity I have been attending my entire life. The issue I have with the activity is that it is imperatively important to me, this means more to me than my own comfort or any other interest. I have acted out the physical and emotional abuse I had suffered as a child, resulting in a most strict discipline to attempt to help me. It did. Through years of recovery and support I have found my own inner child and his desire to be safe in thought, feeling and action.
In this, in this one instance, every time I challenge myself to attend, to listen, I get destroyed. Spending minutes will overwhelm me or rush me, anxiety, chaotic, involuntary memories of mistakes I made or abuse done to me will overtake me. I need to shut down as it runs me over. Whether it was work, my family of origin, school friends, peers, authority, whatever, I have had to go through this process where I acclimated to the relationship, but I cannot with this.
What more information do you need to help me?
In this, in this one instance, every time I challenge myself to attend, to listen, I get destroyed. Spending minutes will overwhelm me or rush me, anxiety, chaotic, involuntary memories of mistakes I made or abuse done to me will overtake me. I need to shut down as it runs me over. Whether it was work, my family of origin, school friends, peers, authority, whatever, I have had to go through this process where I acclimated to the relationship, but I cannot with this.
What more information do you need to help me?