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Childhood Parental Emotional Abuse

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Malaenis

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I've been reading the book by Pete Walker: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I just read a part on how we minimize emotional or verbal abuse because it's not physical, and assume physical is so much worse. Well, I did something similar with my mother growing up. It wasn't until I was 23 when I finally opened up to a therapist about things my mother had done or said to me growing up, that I realized my mother was abusive. The therapist validated my feelings of "this didn't seem right". But I grew up with my mom, and even those in our "circle of friends", saying that I was such a handful, and a horrible kid. That my mom was doing her best and trying so hard for me, but I was ungrateful of her hardwork, etc.

Which brings me to what I wanted to ask everyone on here with a similar experience. My mom is also bipolar. Growing up with her was an emotional roller coaster, she still doesn't do anything but take meds to regulate her emotions. So growing up she'd be scary angry, I recall looking myself in the bathroom often to escape her, I was so terrified. But then after she calmed down she'd be crying and feel so bad, especially if she'd actually slapped me in her anger. She'd have these moments of actually being a good mom, but then that stuff. Which makes it a lot harder for me to accept that she did abuse me, and what she did in those moments of anger, and at other times, was incredibly wrong. Has anyone else had this problem? Where the emotionally abusive parent had some clear moments of "they really did abuse me", but then these rare nice moments that make you question if it was just your fault, that you "made" them act that way towards you?

It's something I've struggled with my entire life, and to this day. It'd be great to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and if anyone has been through this and figured out some way to recover from that. To stop thinking in this way. The relationship between my mother and I is strained now, she's gotten worse with age it seems. I've tried setting boundaries with her, but she, again, will sometimes respect them, give me hope she's learned, then sometimes gets so angry that I'm doing that.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, and who responds. :)
 
Hi Malaenis,
I'm sorry you have to try to sort all this out, and that any of it happened to you at all. My mom wasn't actively abusive, but very emotionally neglectful. She isn't mean. She isn't cruel. She is just... not there in a bunch of ways. Really really shut down. So it took me a long time to figure out that my family wasn't "normal" or "ok" because the problem was not with what DID happen, but what DIDN"T happen for me. My H has PTSD from childhood abuse. And his dad was a really mixed bag. His mom, she trained him to co-dependence in a big way. His folks divorced so he was mostly with his mom, with summers with his dad on the other side of the country.

I kind of think that it is a good thing none of us are giving out awards or anything for parenting - good or bad. My folks were (and are) a mixed bag. My H's folks were a VERY mixed bag. And it is worse because they are pretty good grandparents. So... what to make of that? I don't know. I think I've just gotten to a place with my folks that they are what they are. They did the best they knew how with the resources they had. I don't have to say whether they were good or bad or what score they get. They did some good and some bad and... missed some stuff entirely. I guess because I think everyone is a pretty mixed bag in practice that I don't really have to reach any conclusion about this. I'm not a very black and white (or blue/not blue) thinker even on my bad days, so I'm not temped to generalize much on this topic.

They were what they were. Mixed.

One thing that might help - whatever problems your mom struggled with for herself it never made her abuse of you your fault. You were the kid. She was the adult. If she was out of control or in a bad way it was her responsibility to put you with safe people. If she wasn't honest enough with herself to be clear about what was going on and how it effected and harmed you, that's totally on her. And on the other adults around too. It is the job of adults to keep children safe. Not the job of children to keep their parents sane. No child "MAKES" an adult do anything.
 
@Malaenis
I could have written most of what you said. The hard part is that the outside world viewed my parents as pretty terrific and fun. At home, they fought, literally, my dad drank and my mom was an emotional mess most of the time to the point where I felt like I had to care for her emotional needs. My dad blamed me for her depression so I went around thinking if I were a better kid she wouldn't be depressed. There were incredible times too, fun, laughing, spending time together but they didn't last. The ups and downs made it difficult for me to understand and it cemented in that perhaps it was me that caused their turbulent relationship. Ugh. My mom has since passed away and she went her entire life without getting the help she needed. I still struggle with what was mine to own and what was her mental illness. Because there were good times it is hard for me to label their parenting techniques as "abusive" or whatever. It makes me ill to use that term with them in mind. They loved me, very much. How could I say something so horrible about them? The guilt eats away at my core. So, I guess I can understand how hard it is.... Hang in there.
 
@Malaenis
I could have written most of what you said. The hard part is that the outsid...

My mom was the same, such an emotional mess I had to be the grown up. I remember staying home from school, at an elementary school age, to take care of her. At 13 she left me in bed on a Sunday morning, by myself, to drive her car into a wall. Ended up hospitalized for a week while I was forced to stay with people I didn't even like because they so strongly disapproved of me, instead of being able to stay with my grandmother. And then I could have stayed in my own bed. As a child, I had outbursts of anger, due to my sexual abuse by my father. To "deal" with these, she would lock in my room, or lock herself in hers. Instead of her or a therapist teaching me how to process my emotions in a healthy way. I later found out just her locking me in my room was abuse and neglect.

Even now, she's STILL a mess, and I have to struggle with myself not to get caught up in helping her. She got married about 5 years ago, while I was in another country, and couldn't even wait a few months till I was home. Her husband ended up being abusive. He's a narcissistic type. Meeting him, you'd never ever guess he was abusive, but I had to live with them for awhile and he could only hide so much. What doesn't help is my mom tends to be dramatic/passive-aggressive, Idk how to describe it. For example, one time he hit her, allegedly his hand slipped. She went with my to a dr's appointment, and had been teary or crying most of the time. I pushed her about what was wrong. Her response was "nothing. Can you see any marks or anything here(and she gestured to a wide area on her face)." She's also codependent. And it makes me so mad because growing up, it was just me and her. She did EVERYTHING, I mean there isn't a power tool she couldn't master. Any car issues, she pretty much knew what was wrong. The other day her car was leaking something, and she turns to me and says "do you know any men here that know cars?" I was made about how sexist the question was first of all, secondly that instead of figuring it out herself she NEEDS to have someone else tell her. She's also commented when things go wrong with her car that she needs to ask her husband FIRST before taking it to an auto-body shop. It infuriates me, she wasn't married for 50 years of her life.

Ugh, I know this could all sound horrible. It's like part of me wants to believe she'll be a loving, supportive, healthy mother like I need her to be one day. But then she does something and I get so disappointed and let down. Especially because I'll invest a lot of energy into helping her. Which I've been trying to stop doing. It's a difficult balancing act.
 
That is certainly a 'dance' that is hard to find balance. We know from childhood that we are supposed to depend on our parents for stability and help. When their help was only sporadic it makes knowing when to be close and when to be distant very difficult. I think that bleeds into adulthood. The incredible moments keep us going back for more because there is an underlying hope that our moms would wake up one morning and say "I am here and I am going to take care of you..." It likely won't happen without some sort of therapeutic intervention. :( Hang in there!
 
Going along with this, I was wondering how many others have times when they crave a parental figure as adults? I consider myself to be strong, competent, independent, but sometimes I want to be able to curl up with a true mother/father figure and just cry about things in my life. Get advice. I sometimes break, or simply forget, and call my mom. Like when my boyfriend broke up with me. The first thing she says is "I knew it". Because she had to show that she knew that was why I'd called, and she "knows me so well". Second thing she says is it was probably another woman or that his mother didn't like me and persuaded him to do it. Not helpful, granted it might not seem awful, but it was pretty damaging to me at the time. Again, today, she was talking to my 5 yr old and he told her some stuff that happened at his school. I couldn't hear what she was saying but she was giving him some sort of advice, and all I could think was "gods, please don't give my son advice because you don't know what you're talking about!" Then thought how sad for my son that he can't have a grandma that he could go to. Just having one of those nights where I wish I did have "real" parents that were loving and supportive that I could go to.
 
I skipped a generation and went for grandmother types, but age-wise I am rapidly approaching my "mother's peers" and that can present a problem for me. I had the parents I had, it was not emotional for me but more... I suck it up and deal. Wishes, frankly don't do me any good.
 
I have peers with bipolar mothers... my mother, though diagnosed is not really one. It (plainly and simply) is not easy to be a child of a mentally ill parent. That I know for a fact. Do I wish? What good would that do me frankly? How would that be assistive? I got what I got and I deal with it as best as I can. That's all I got/can do... then I leave it at that. I really HAVE to.
 
Pete Walker's book is excellent! Glad you found it; his earlier one (The Tao of fully Feeling) is also an excellent explanation of emotional abuse and what you can do to cope with it. The minimization business is a big deal: it's SO hard for a child to admit that their parent(s) is not treating them well and is, in fact, abusive. How are you supposed to know this??
It's very important to finally acknowledge that truth and accept that it was NOT your fault. A child will automatically assume she's done something 'wrong' and is responsible for the parent's inexplicable behaviour/anger/whatever. this is how shame is installed in the child, and the pervasive sense of not being good enough or not doing exactly what the parents wants leaves the child with an onerous and impossible burden to carry.
The fact is that parents are responsible for caring for and nurturing the child. When they can't do this, the child suffers. Please understand that it was not your fault that your mother was so damaged. Get informed about the mechanics of dysfunctional and abusive parenting, and know how it worked in your own family. Then you can begin the process of recovering yourself, separating yourself from taking on the responsibility of having to parent our own parents, and being compassionate for all the trials you endured, and building up your sense of self, confidence, and worth. It's arduous, but if you want to be your own person, a necessary path! All the best!
 
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