I've been reading the book by Pete Walker: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I just read a part on how we minimize emotional or verbal abuse because it's not physical, and assume physical is so much worse. Well, I did something similar with my mother growing up. It wasn't until I was 23 when I finally opened up to a therapist about things my mother had done or said to me growing up, that I realized my mother was abusive. The therapist validated my feelings of "this didn't seem right". But I grew up with my mom, and even those in our "circle of friends", saying that I was such a handful, and a horrible kid. That my mom was doing her best and trying so hard for me, but I was ungrateful of her hardwork, etc.
Which brings me to what I wanted to ask everyone on here with a similar experience. My mom is also bipolar. Growing up with her was an emotional roller coaster, she still doesn't do anything but take meds to regulate her emotions. So growing up she'd be scary angry, I recall looking myself in the bathroom often to escape her, I was so terrified. But then after she calmed down she'd be crying and feel so bad, especially if she'd actually slapped me in her anger. She'd have these moments of actually being a good mom, but then that stuff. Which makes it a lot harder for me to accept that she did abuse me, and what she did in those moments of anger, and at other times, was incredibly wrong. Has anyone else had this problem? Where the emotionally abusive parent had some clear moments of "they really did abuse me", but then these rare nice moments that make you question if it was just your fault, that you "made" them act that way towards you?
It's something I've struggled with my entire life, and to this day. It'd be great to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and if anyone has been through this and figured out some way to recover from that. To stop thinking in this way. The relationship between my mother and I is strained now, she's gotten worse with age it seems. I've tried setting boundaries with her, but she, again, will sometimes respect them, give me hope she's learned, then sometimes gets so angry that I'm doing that.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, and who responds. :)
Which brings me to what I wanted to ask everyone on here with a similar experience. My mom is also bipolar. Growing up with her was an emotional roller coaster, she still doesn't do anything but take meds to regulate her emotions. So growing up she'd be scary angry, I recall looking myself in the bathroom often to escape her, I was so terrified. But then after she calmed down she'd be crying and feel so bad, especially if she'd actually slapped me in her anger. She'd have these moments of actually being a good mom, but then that stuff. Which makes it a lot harder for me to accept that she did abuse me, and what she did in those moments of anger, and at other times, was incredibly wrong. Has anyone else had this problem? Where the emotionally abusive parent had some clear moments of "they really did abuse me", but then these rare nice moments that make you question if it was just your fault, that you "made" them act that way towards you?
It's something I've struggled with my entire life, and to this day. It'd be great to know I'm not alone in feeling this way, and if anyone has been through this and figured out some way to recover from that. To stop thinking in this way. The relationship between my mother and I is strained now, she's gotten worse with age it seems. I've tried setting boundaries with her, but she, again, will sometimes respect them, give me hope she's learned, then sometimes gets so angry that I'm doing that.
Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this, and who responds. :)