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Part Of A Group That Just Isn't Working

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I was basically told that If I'm using the skills I learn in therapy but not passing those skills along to others than I am not doing God's work.

This makes me utterly & completely furious.

A therapist may go into the line of work they're in to help others / learning skills in order to help others / that is their intent in learning. To use guilt & shame to manipulate others who are learning those skills in order to stay alive, in order to rebuild their own lives ...to intimate that their own lives & loves are not worth the learning & living... But instead has to be put aside, and directed to following the therapist's dictates & avocation? Disgusts me. At every level. Motherf*cking god-complexed charlatan. How dare they?!? :mad: Your baby girls deserve their daddy. Your wife deserves her husband. Your life deserves you... Not some puppet putting aside their own judgement, dancing to the tune of some jumped up lazy asshole, who instead of wanting to do their own job, wants to claim motherf*cking blood debt, and guilt & shame their students into being their mouthpieces??? You do not owe this cock juggling thunderc*nt your life. These are skills. To be taught & learned. Not some singular sourced holy font that gives this douche canoe the right to speak for God, nor dictate how your life shall be spent.

Cocksucking traitor. Oathbreaker. Betraying the trust of those who turn to them for help... I'm reduced to growling. Words just f*cking fail me right now.

And yet I'm still talking. Emotional & spiritual blackmail is beyond unsat. It's un-f*cking-conscionable.

Someone is entrusted to your care and you f*cking threaten them, to do you bidding? Completely disrespecting their loved ones, their own life, and attempting to usurp their agency? No. No f*cking way.
 
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I have to back date a post here. Over the month of January I had been putting off going to the ranch because I didn't have the money to go. I felt bad telling my therapist the truth, because I knew she would come up with more money to give me, and I didn't want to seem like I was standing there waiting for a handout, so I had been making excuses for a few weeks in a row. Usually my therapist texts me back as soon as I text her, but for some reason she hadn't been. I had convinced myself that she didn't want to see me anymore and I was no longer going to go up to the ranch. After enough griping and pissing and moaning, finally one day my wife made me go up there. My therapist was overjoyed to see me. I think she knew what was going on because she slipped $50 in my back pocket while my hands were full of alfalfa. This was the end of January. There was one loss to the herd when I went up there :( Searge, the Tennessee Walking Horse did not work out. He tried kicking the Blacksmith, he invaded the personal space of quite a few clients, and he was biting other horses; finally my therapist made the call to send him back to the farm that he came from. I guess it wasn't an easy decision, but it was one made for the better of the herd and the safety of the clients. Anyways, just a little backdated note for January.
 
When people want you to make a public statement, I question their motives. In fact, I ask how this benefits them personally, and in a way, it sounds like they want you to say they are helping you, aka, your life is free-warm-market advertising for their business.

If they cared about you, first and foremost, then why the guilt trip? Why push you to use your own pain for evangelism or advertising or (their words) to help others?

Don't they know you help others every time you get on this forum and post? People who think they could have or know they do have PTSD when they Google search anything related to that, will quickly wind up here, not on social media, and not on your friends list.

I guess I don't understand why they only accept "your helping others" in one set way. That is very narrow definitions of things.
 
A quick update: In an earlier post I said that the ranch was getting two foals, well they have been named, a colt named Patriot, and a filly named Liberty. I would love to post pictures if that feature was still available to regular members, but alas I am not a premium member. Unfortunately pictures are all I may ever get to see of these two little guys... Due to financial hardship my wife has had to return to the work force. Now I must pick the kids up from school when I would normally be up at the ranch. I'm going to try to contact the ranch to see if there is another day I can come up to visit, but I highly doubt I'll be able to receive dressage lessons even if I do get to go up there on a different day, as the dressage instructor doesn't work at the ranch and comes up there at the end of the work day. I don't know if things are coming together right now, or if things are falling apart?!?! It's really sad to think that this place may not be part of my life anymore. It has been an integral part of my life over the last year. Lord knows I have been through some shaky times over the last year, and they have always been there to support me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad my wife is working again, but there is an upside and downside to all things. I guess I will write more as I know more, but for now is this goodbye?
 
I hope this is not goodbye. Did you call them and ask? I'm glad your wife found a job.

How exciting to experience the whole life cycle of the horse as you learn about them. I expect that would prove very valuable to you in your ability to reflect on what you're learning in other aspects of horsemanship.
 
When circumstances change, it's best to change with it. Hoping that a way can be found for you Florian to continue at the ranch, but the experience you've had is portable and can stay available and with you even though it is in memory and not in day to day direct experience any more.

Any way you can pause and think of ways to turn the potential loss of the ranch to a potential opportunity with your children? Or perhaps permission might be obtained to visit with them in tow occasionally? It would be a good activity to do with your children and maybe you could come up with some creative things to do after school with them to make good experiences? (not all here so not sure I'm being at all succinct)
 
If they don't respond, keep calling until you reach the one you need to talk to about this schedule change. I'm sure something will work. Don't give up. I know how tiring and frustrating it is when this stuff happens. It is probably the most frustrating part of PTSD for me.

I have trouble looking for things, phone calls, forms, and other complex procedures, even though I'm technically intelligent enough for all these tasks. They require a kind of focus that my PTSD brain finds very troubling and they send me into a panic most times. I have to break them up and space them out, and then they take me too long.

Right now, I'm in one of those situations, in which I already did a form twice, had it notarized twice, and now they "never got it" and I have to do it for a third time, and time's running out. I'm already very upset. I feel cursed and ready to kick out.
 
So I finally got a response yesterday. I didn't post about it here because it wasn't favorable. It was very kind and considerate, and very professional, but unfortunately for me there isn't another time I can go up there to ride. They told me if it was about the money they could get me more gas cards, unfortunately it isn't about the money (at least not directly). I just can't be there on Tuesdays because I need to be at home to pick up my kids from school, and then watch them until my wife gets home from work. They told me they hoped to see me again soon, and I told them I would let them know more when my wife's temp position ended, and we kind of left it at that. I feel like I'm losing a part of myself :( This really was the best thing to come along since I ended my active service; I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now.
 
@Florian7051 - I know it's not as good as riding, but is it an option to go and hang out/help groom/do stuff at another time? Learn to long-line?

Or maybe do hunt seat for a little bit, until you can get back to dressage?

Just some thoughts. I'm really sorry to hear about the schedule shift; you've been so eloquent on what the barn means to you.
 
So update: My wife finished with her temp position and is getting hired on full time. However there was a break in employment between the temp position ending, and the permanent position beginning. The break just so happened to fall on a Tuesday. I of course called the ranch and asked them if they minded if I came up; they replied "great come on up". I didn't ride as the sheriff's posse and dressage instructor are both in New Orleans helping out the mounted police for Mardi Gras, but I did get to talk to my T about coming up on a different day. Actually she was the one who suggested me coming up on a different day (possibly Saturday mornings, or during the week during the day while the kids are in school). Anyways this is awesome I will (should) be continuing on with my therapy.

A little about my session. I gave Coffee a much needed bath as she hasn't had one all winter long. I even conditioned and picked her tail and her mane. She was looking amazing, ready for a show. Then I turned her out for the evening. She was still a little damp from her bath, but she sparkled. She took a drink of water, waited until I was out of sight, and then I could hear the office manager yelling oh-no Coffee!!!!! I heard her call my name and start laughing. Coffee had decided it would be a good idea to roll around in the sand to get the clean off of her. She looked like a giant sugar cookie. All that hard work for nothing... Oh-well. I guess a horse will be a horse.

Anyways thank you everyone for the support when I thought this was coming to an end. If it wasn't for all your helpful and optimistic words I don't know that I would have even called on Tuesday. Thank you for helping me keep focused and helping me keep my head in the game. My T is even driving to my home town to do a seminar to raise awareness and has asked me to participate; I'm not sure in what capacity I will be facilitating but I have agreed to take part (something I would have never seen myself doing before). I will continue to keep this thread updated as long as I continue my therapy.
 
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