NewBeginnings
MyPTSD Pro
Finances can be a touchy subject and I should have no issue but I screwed this up too. In some respects I was making overall progress but what an idiot I am to think it could last. If only I could cry I would be sobbing.
I screwed up and didn't pay our car tax which was sent to an attorney who sent a demand letter- ok now it is paid but the process cost 2x what it would have if I just paid it. My husband flipped out how I waste money. He's right. I can't figure out what I was thinking. Then a larger discussion regarding how much we owe happened. I have let our household bills get way out of hand. The car tax was only a small piece. I don't put time in to handle our finances on a regular basis and haven't for sometime. If people knew that would shock them because I appear to have it all together. I basically have lots of our bills on automatic payments that I can let it go for awhile or so I thought. Somethings are not on auto pay and the bills on auto pay we were paying minimums on credit cards. The mail was piled high on my desk and I just didn't do it. So the nightmare I created is basically thousands and thousands of dollars in credit card debt, late payments all over for the accounts not set up on autopay and I killed our credit scores. There is nothing redeeming about what I have done.
I disappointed my husband and he counted on me to do it but I just couldn't. I think I was rebelling. I had been doing a lot around the house and then I got to a point where I let things go because i couldn't do it all. I was hoping he would assist. Unfortunately, the bills are not as visible as leaving a sink full of dishes. ( not that he got the hint about the dishes anyway) To complicate the situation with the bills, I was fearful to show him the bills because I knew he would pick apart what I spent money on and say I couldn't. I would go for a lunch out or take the kids out for lunch, or buy some clothes. I am fairly moderate and lean towards frugal but I did my share of spending. And so did my husband. He spends lots of money on online shopping and it gets away from us. I guess I got a bit resentful of him saying not to buy a particular something's for the kids when he drinks a few beers or has wine every night. Nonetheless I didn't face our bills and now it is a nightmare.
I hate myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I know better- I have a decent job and yet I just ignored our bills. As an aside I didn't used to work full time until a few years ago and my husband does not like me working outside the home. When I was home more I had time to pay bills, cook, do more for him and the family. Now, I make a salary and work lots of hours -( I love my job). He is annoyed because I don't make OT and he wants me to make more and be home more. He wants me to ask for a raise - which I can do (and I bring home more than him by a good amount. It is flattering he thinks I am worth more but it doesn't always work that way.)
Obviously I need to communicate with my husband and may be now understanding why that is so hard for me- triggering childhood abuse from my dad. I haven't been able to express myself very much at home although I am making baby steps. I am even afraid to share the current state of how bad I made things. I feel responsible to fix it and I don't know if I can.
Sorry to complain - I am freaked out at how stupid I am. I am overwhelmed. I feel stupid to even post this because I am fortunate with the resources I have yet I can't manage it and don't deserve it. This is weighing really heavy on me and thought I would post. Thank you for reading.
I screwed up and didn't pay our car tax which was sent to an attorney who sent a demand letter- ok now it is paid but the process cost 2x what it would have if I just paid it. My husband flipped out how I waste money. He's right. I can't figure out what I was thinking. Then a larger discussion regarding how much we owe happened. I have let our household bills get way out of hand. The car tax was only a small piece. I don't put time in to handle our finances on a regular basis and haven't for sometime. If people knew that would shock them because I appear to have it all together. I basically have lots of our bills on automatic payments that I can let it go for awhile or so I thought. Somethings are not on auto pay and the bills on auto pay we were paying minimums on credit cards. The mail was piled high on my desk and I just didn't do it. So the nightmare I created is basically thousands and thousands of dollars in credit card debt, late payments all over for the accounts not set up on autopay and I killed our credit scores. There is nothing redeeming about what I have done.
I disappointed my husband and he counted on me to do it but I just couldn't. I think I was rebelling. I had been doing a lot around the house and then I got to a point where I let things go because i couldn't do it all. I was hoping he would assist. Unfortunately, the bills are not as visible as leaving a sink full of dishes. ( not that he got the hint about the dishes anyway) To complicate the situation with the bills, I was fearful to show him the bills because I knew he would pick apart what I spent money on and say I couldn't. I would go for a lunch out or take the kids out for lunch, or buy some clothes. I am fairly moderate and lean towards frugal but I did my share of spending. And so did my husband. He spends lots of money on online shopping and it gets away from us. I guess I got a bit resentful of him saying not to buy a particular something's for the kids when he drinks a few beers or has wine every night. Nonetheless I didn't face our bills and now it is a nightmare.
I hate myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I know better- I have a decent job and yet I just ignored our bills. As an aside I didn't used to work full time until a few years ago and my husband does not like me working outside the home. When I was home more I had time to pay bills, cook, do more for him and the family. Now, I make a salary and work lots of hours -( I love my job). He is annoyed because I don't make OT and he wants me to make more and be home more. He wants me to ask for a raise - which I can do (and I bring home more than him by a good amount. It is flattering he thinks I am worth more but it doesn't always work that way.)
Obviously I need to communicate with my husband and may be now understanding why that is so hard for me- triggering childhood abuse from my dad. I haven't been able to express myself very much at home although I am making baby steps. I am even afraid to share the current state of how bad I made things. I feel responsible to fix it and I don't know if I can.
Sorry to complain - I am freaked out at how stupid I am. I am overwhelmed. I feel stupid to even post this because I am fortunate with the resources I have yet I can't manage it and don't deserve it. This is weighing really heavy on me and thought I would post. Thank you for reading.