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Paying bills - my nightmare!

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NewBeginnings

MyPTSD Pro
Finances can be a touchy subject and I should have no issue but I screwed this up too. In some respects I was making overall progress but what an idiot I am to think it could last. If only I could cry I would be sobbing.

I screwed up and didn't pay our car tax which was sent to an attorney who sent a demand letter- ok now it is paid but the process cost 2x what it would have if I just paid it. My husband flipped out how I waste money. He's right. I can't figure out what I was thinking. Then a larger discussion regarding how much we owe happened. I have let our household bills get way out of hand. The car tax was only a small piece. I don't put time in to handle our finances on a regular basis and haven't for sometime. If people knew that would shock them because I appear to have it all together. I basically have lots of our bills on automatic payments that I can let it go for awhile or so I thought. Somethings are not on auto pay and the bills on auto pay we were paying minimums on credit cards. The mail was piled high on my desk and I just didn't do it. So the nightmare I created is basically thousands and thousands of dollars in credit card debt, late payments all over for the accounts not set up on autopay and I killed our credit scores. There is nothing redeeming about what I have done.

I disappointed my husband and he counted on me to do it but I just couldn't. I think I was rebelling. I had been doing a lot around the house and then I got to a point where I let things go because i couldn't do it all. I was hoping he would assist. Unfortunately, the bills are not as visible as leaving a sink full of dishes. ( not that he got the hint about the dishes anyway) To complicate the situation with the bills, I was fearful to show him the bills because I knew he would pick apart what I spent money on and say I couldn't. I would go for a lunch out or take the kids out for lunch, or buy some clothes. I am fairly moderate and lean towards frugal but I did my share of spending. And so did my husband. He spends lots of money on online shopping and it gets away from us. I guess I got a bit resentful of him saying not to buy a particular something's for the kids when he drinks a few beers or has wine every night. Nonetheless I didn't face our bills and now it is a nightmare.

I hate myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I know better- I have a decent job and yet I just ignored our bills. As an aside I didn't used to work full time until a few years ago and my husband does not like me working outside the home. When I was home more I had time to pay bills, cook, do more for him and the family. Now, I make a salary and work lots of hours -( I love my job). He is annoyed because I don't make OT and he wants me to make more and be home more. He wants me to ask for a raise - which I can do (and I bring home more than him by a good amount. It is flattering he thinks I am worth more but it doesn't always work that way.)

Obviously I need to communicate with my husband and may be now understanding why that is so hard for me- triggering childhood abuse from my dad. I haven't been able to express myself very much at home although I am making baby steps. I am even afraid to share the current state of how bad I made things. I feel responsible to fix it and I don't know if I can.

Sorry to complain - I am freaked out at how stupid I am. I am overwhelmed. I feel stupid to even post this because I am fortunate with the resources I have yet I can't manage it and don't deserve it. This is weighing really heavy on me and thought I would post. Thank you for reading.
 
I usually hire an accountant to pay my bills. They've always more than paid for themselves in the amount of money they save me from exactly that kind of oops, and the stress reduction? Incalculable.

Some people hire mechanics & electricians & plumbers. I hire people to deal with the day to day numbers. No different, IMO.
 
I have the same problem. It musters up a lot of strength to face those bills. Some I'm good about some I'm not. I have things on auto pay which helps but my u.I. and gas bill....I don't even want to think about and don't.

Hang in there. I definitely can relate!

Hugs
 
I disappointed my husband and he counted on me to do it but I just couldn't.

Soooo, he couldn't see the mail on the desk, open it, and say "hey, this is due/past due! We need to pay this"? He is an adult in the household too! No matter whom is over the books/bills, two adults are still part of the household.

I haven't gone to that much but I have forgotten to pay bills and paid them late MANY times. It was when I didn't have to budget due to having more money then needed coming in. So, a budget would help. I do it rather strictly due to how I was taught by my mother whom owned a business but still, any budget will help as its all written down, gone through on specific days/dates.

To complicate the situation with the bills, I was fearful to show him the bills because I knew he would pick apart what I spent money on and say I couldn't.

You two need much better communication skills. I think this can all boil down to communication, in my opinion.

I hate myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I know better-

And, you forgot. We all have done this, I think. Maybe not to thousands of dollars but man, my memory is worst then my 75 yr old father's many times!

Obviously I need to communicate with my husband

Agreed!

Sorry to complain

That's what we are here for! :hug:s!
 
Thanks - when we are too thick to get it - the messages just get louder.

I have known communication has been poor for awhile but wasn't able to be in a space to recognize its impact on me and the family.

Of course nothing is simple and I am so fearful because of my issues and only recently getting the connection.

And there is an element of this that my husband does wait for me to take care of things .... we are not 50/50. I have never believed I could be an equal so my foundation is flawed and that has affected everything. As they say "I made my bed" I am just struggling because some things are better and then I look around and get overwhelmed by the craziness I have created!

As an aside - it is probably good that I woke up and dealt with the bills when I did - it will take sometime but it is repairable ... I have high standards for myself and hate when I don't live up to them.

Thanks for listening. Kinda crazy that we all have our unique journeys but with aspects in which we can help others and be helped by pointing out lessons we are learning.
 
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