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Personal Accountability And Self Care

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Kefira

MyPTSD Pro
I'm just wondering what some other people's opinions on this might be:

I find that personal accountability is big for me, in my own life and for those around me. I've had so many people who would never do a thing they promised whether it was a big deal or something inconsequential. So it's become important to me to find people who are reliable to surround myself with, and to hold myself to a high standard when it comes to doing what I say I will.

The problem becomes those times when I can't. I try to (when I KNOW I'm going to be symptomatic) phrase things in a manner that allows for multiple outcomes rather than promising things, or to ask for help/make a compromise from the beginning. But inevitably I will have times where I have stated I will do something and by the time that day or that hour rolls around I am unable to do it and still be okay. By way of example, I was supposed to get my car serviced today. But I had a long talk with a good friend last night that involved a lot of disclosure around a trauma that's difficult for me to talk about, and I haven't gotten particularly good sleep in a couple days. I got myself to the service center but just wasn't able to park and go in, felt physically ill at the idea.

This has been floating around in my head for a while. Basically, how do you balance between keeping your word and being true to what you end up needing in the moment? When is a symptom spike just an excuse and when is it valid/important to honor that you aren't functioning at a high enough level? Does having our symptoms and episodes mean we can't be reliable trustworthy and responsible individuals? Sometimes it feels that way.
 
I don't know how to answer really. I mean, it has happend where I have to cancel or reschedule something, and so much guilt and self loathing comes up when I do this. It's so hard for me to be okay with letting others down, even if it's because I need to tend to myself. I would like to get to a point where I can feel bad about not taking care of myself. The way things are now, if I forgo something for myself, there isn't even a question, I immediately can sacrifice myself. I realize that I do this because it was modeled for me. Growing up I was not important enough for my needs to be met, my needs were something that did not need to be met if there were other competing needs. I too try my best to be reliable, and was actually given many opportunities in life because I was perceived as responsible, considerate, and having integrity. When I entered into ptsd hell I could literally not count on my own wellness enough to be that way anymore. I meant well, I'd make plans, then something would happen to derail me and I was backing out of stuff. Am I still a reliable person? I'm not sure how to answer that. I know that when I'm able to be, I am, but sometimes it's simply not possible for me to follow through with what I believed I could do when I made those plans... This is why we avoid stuff, right? Fear of letting people down has definitely kept me isolated from others in the past...
 
I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would not make promises, period. I don't own a car, so this kind of thing has not come up for me. I take transit and usually can psych myself up to do Drs.' appointments or church functions, etc. If I am tired, I just don't show. That happened yesterday and someone called me and asked if anything was wrong. I just politely explained that I had been kind of tired and thanked the person for being concerned about me enough to call. I'm 60 yrs old, so that can help cover for me too, when folks get concerned. I do sometimes call folks and ask for a ride, but I usually do that on the day of the event itself, so as not to make arrangements that I later might not be able to keep. Transit will accept a call to cancel a ride I have reserved in the rare case that I cannot keep an appointment. It all works out one way or another for me somehow.
 
I relate a lot...highly value keeping my word, but also found myself having to back out in recent years with eating disorder health problems, then panic symptoms, now chronic pain. I've gotten better at scheduling...like knowing what isn't even worth my involvement, and how to schedule errands and extra stuff (like not all together, or not on a day I have also agreed to go to a small party).

So it's just gotten easier to understand what is mostly manageable. But also I've had to learn how to just forgive myself and not beat myself up if I have to cancel something...because others tend to as well. If it's canceling a haircut or something, I do it as soon as possible and apologize. The problem initially was the extra stuff related to work, volunteer things, and social stuff....I had so much guilt and felt very selfish and needy for even having to take care of myself (self care has been extremely difficult...like a trigger in itself to need anything at all)....and also figured if I canceled on one party my friends would never invite me to anything again...every single engagement felt extremely important because I ultimately didn't value myself at all and didn't believe others could as well.

I think we can still be trustworthy....it's just finding a workable balance, and informing those who might benefit from knowing a bit of what you go through (like my colleagues know about my pain stuff to some extent). But also, at least for me, my fears and guilt around all of this have subsided some as I feel less inwardly worthless. Not sure if that's a thing for others. Being able to be counted on is important and I will always value that...but my own failures become too extreme in my mind too easily (like one failure = ultimate failure of a human being, or so it has gone...)
 
I never make promises because I believe it breaks trust, especially with my kids. I do say we will plan to do something if all works out or I will do my best. I've learned the last several months it's okay to take care of me and to say no or cancel. Those that truly love and support me understand and I've felt less guilt not being super woman. ;)
 
I've talked about some aspects of this with my T. I hate lying. Don't much care for liars either. He says it's not ever necessary to lie. So, for example, with your car today, I might have called and said "Something came up and I can't make it today." I hate making phone calls too, but can usually manage that much.

In my work, I have people make appointments and I have to show up, I can usually do that. Work is something I seem to be able to do on autopilot. I may not talk much some days, but I get my job done. I also can have kind of a short fuse and I just have to work on controlling that.

But, I also have to return phone calls. I hate that. I flat out tell my clients I'm not as good with phone calls as I am with email. I promise to respond promptly to emails and I tell them I'll do the best I can with phone calls. Sometimes I just plain forget (really) phone calls. Sometimes, like right now, I just can't quite make myself do it. I try to tell myself "That's why I encourage them to email." I'm probably just making excuses!

I just make an effort to be factual when I make promises. I also tend to make reference to "unforeseen circumstances". Hey, for all we know the world could end tomorrow and then I WON'T be able to keep my promise.
 
I mean, it has happend where I have to cancel or reschedule something, and so much guilt and self loathing comes up when I do this.
Being able to be counted on is important and I will always value that...but my own failures become too extreme in my mind too easily

I think this is actually part of the reason this has been on my mind a lot. I've been "out of spoons" (out of energy reserves) a lot lately. But I also for the first time am around people who really understand that and don't seem to fault me when I need to change plans or say no to a new commitment that comes up. I think that the fact that I'm finally able to take care of myself in those situations is highlighting how bad it has been in the past. Because I have definitely had very demanding people who couldn't understand why even though I'm trying my best sometimes getting out of bed for the day is about what I can manage. So I ended up pushing myself way too hard in an effort to avoid being made to feel inadequate.

I might have called and said "Something came up and I can't make it today." I hate making phone calls too, but can usually manage that much.
Yeah, I end up being vague a lot. I don't do outright lies, I just omit often. Which still irritates me with people I'm close to- I hate cancelling social things by saying something came up or giving some half assed excused when all I want is to say "I'm drowning here and I can barely crawl out of bed let alone leave my house tonight".

I'm also glad I'm not the only one who doesn't do well with phones. :)
 
lot lately. But I also for the first time am around people who really understand that and don't seem to fault me when I need to change plans or say no
I think this is huge!

A couple years ago, a friend of mine got married. We live in an area with a lot of resorts and lakes. They planned for the reception to be a group boat ride on an area lake. I didn't realize they'd noticed my tendency to come late and leave early for this stuff. When she invited me, she explained that they needed to make reservations and there was a cost per person. She said they really hoped I'd come, but it would be 2 hours on a boat with people I didn't know and no way to get off the boat. She said she'd understand if I didn't want to attend. And she actually MEANT that. It was not some snarky, passive aggressive comment, she really and truly meant it! That was pretty much a first in my experience. (I went. I met some interesting people. It was fun,)
 
I try very, very hard to be responsible that way.
I very much love the response of "not promising, but planning." That helps me a bunch. I often want to promise, but I should know about myself that in my chaotic states a promise can be a bit overeager sometimes.

I think, because I try so very hard to be responsible and dependable, and I am even though it is very hard, that I have little patientce for people that are not. I try to cut them out of my life, because I just cannot deal with that. Makes me feel like an idiot for caring so much. Especially if is the small things, like always coming 30 min too late, alwas, or not responding to something in the promised timeframe. I cannot deal with the stress, I tell them I cannot deal with it, and still no change. Never. So, goodbye dudes, I hardly knew ya. It comes down to respect for me. Respect for oneself and others. Alot of it has also to do with how the problems are communicated. "I am sorry, I did not make it for reasons." is very different to "Dont be so uptight."
 
She said they really hoped I'd come, but it would be 2 hours on a boat with people I didn't know and no way to get off the boat. She said she'd understand if I didn't want to attend. And she actually MEANT that. It was not some snarky, passive aggressive comment
I had someone do something similar recently and was really touched. I mean, it's one thing to have people see us struggle or be told that we struggle and another to have someone apply that knowledge and really take the time to make sure we understand A- what the commitment entails in as much detail as they can give, and B- that it's okay if we can't/don't want to.

I think, because I try so very hard to be responsible and dependable, and I am even though it is very hard, that I have little patientce for people that are not. I try to cut them out of my life, because I just cannot deal with that. Makes me feel like an idiot for caring so much.
Yes. I have a tendency to over-commit myself socially. But I also try hard to communicate things like when I'm running late, and if I don't think I'll be able to do something that was planned I try to contact the other person/people as early as possible, and also ask to either reschedule or be told when there will be something else going on. So when someone is consistently late or unreliable at the last moment or doesn't accomplish small promised tasks and doesn't address them I tend to distance myself.
 
i don't make promises. i don't make commitments. if i'm supposed to do something or be somewhere then it's with the understanding that i am able to do it or be there at that time. i don't expect anything from anyone so it is difficult to disappoint me.
 
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