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Sufferer Pimped Out For Tuition

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rjmeyer67

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I was raised in an alcohol fueled abusive household. Before I left home at 18 for the navy, I had been to the ER over a dozen times.
I'm fourth grade, I was an alter boy. I was raped by a priest. I couldn't believe this man who had befriended me did this. Beyond that, he told me I was a disgusting mess and to clean myself up as he left the room. I told no one. Who could possibly believe this happened? Then it happened again.
I told my parents. The next thing I know all eight children were transferred from public to Catholic school. I had to confess my sin of lying and work for the priest everyday after school for two months.
I was raped almost daily. I had to steal kotex from my sisters to line my underwear and hide the semen, blood, and ejaculate combination. That smell still stays with me to this day. It never goes away.
Enough old history. In the spring of 2016 I had a concussion. Since then, whether it's the PTSD, the repeated head trauma as a kid, or a combination, I cannot make new memories stick reliably. Some will, others won't.
I'm an engineer. I can't work this way. I've been on disability since the incident.
I've improved, but have hit a plateau.
I can think now. I can reason. I remember my college education in detail. Anything from June of 2016 forward is a crap shoot.
My identity was wrapped up in being a genius. Now I'm not that. I don't know what I am anymore. I just know I don't like it.
 
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The catholic religion is filled with f*cking scum bags that hide behind their collars, and do this shit because they can get away with it, and the church will pay $$ to the victims like ok, here's you $$ for getting f*cked!!!! Makes me want to puke.

I'm a woman, but I've dealt with some shit from them too. Not anymore, I wouldn't step foot in a church if you paid me!!!!
 
Welcome to The Forum, rjmeyer67
I am glad that you found "us"...you will find encouragement, understanding, and compassion here, where SO many people have been horribly abused, and abandoned as children. Not necessarily physically abandoned, but emotionally abandoned. You are NOT alone!

This is a gentle, caring hug....if it's acceptable...you deserve love and affection, and to be treated with respect and honor. Obviously you are a VERY strong person! :hug:

I am SO, SO sorry that you were brought up this way! It is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and you didn't deserve even ONE speck of such horrible abuse! It is AMAZING that you were able to go to college and become an engineer! Your intelligence survived the horror that you were subjected to.

It sounds like your recent head trauma has brought forward your earlier head traumas? Not as something from the PTSD, or as something you mentally have control of, but possibly the culmination of the head injuries. Just like the football players having difficulties after years and years of concussions. I know that the frontal brain contains emotions, and the amygdala is the 'calendar' of the brain. Your memories are 'etched" into your brain and they can't be erased. I do believe that with brain "re-training" progress can be made.

Have you heard of EMDR? It has helped me "re-frame" the death of my daughter, so that I can remember her life, and her passing with less pain, and more of the GOOD things that she brought to my life. EMDR brought more to the table than CBT, as in talking and trying to change my behaviors and thinking. EMDR cut through SO much, and helped more than anything else did.

If you can...try not to push too hard. I know the fear of not being able to remember what you want and need to, is sometimes the biggest, most scary thought of all. Don't give up, and don't give in to the fear of the future.

EMDR is VERY hard to explain...I describe it as similar to hypnosis...because it does reach the subconscious brain. The difference is that at all points, you are completely awake, and you have a choice of what is "suggested" during an EMDR session. I went into it in desperation, having been in therapy for YEARS, and had stopped therapy because I had hit a plateau.

If you can do some research, and ask your therapist about EMDR, I think it might help you a lot. It helps with combat PTSD, and truly, in my opinion, you were in combat from fourth grade until you left home and joined the Navy.

Blessings to you, I hope to see you around!
AKJ
 
Welcome to The Forum, rjmeyer67
I am glad that you found "us"...you will find encouragement, un...


Thanks.
I have done EMDR, CBT, DBT, and Exposure Therapy (NEVER again)
None have helped. Neither has the Rx cocktails.
The flashbacks, the anxiety, the obsessive need to have order in my life is incredibly stifling. I managed to meek out an existence with my everyday symptoms.
The prevailing theory is the link from short term to long term is not working predictably and they can't tell if it's physical or psychological because I cannot have an MRI due to an ear implant.
It's pretty rate but it happens. Thinking about loading up my touring bicycle and just riding. I have savings but being in one place is maddening for some reason. Before my home was my solace.
Kind of feel like "What about Bob?" and taking a vacation from my problems.
 
You are very welcome. I'm sorry none of the therapies have worked for you. It is too bad that an MRI is out of the question. I never thought about ear implants making MRI's unavailable.

Honestly, taking off on your touring bike and just riding might be the BEST medicine of all. You would be able to use all of your senses in a different way, and that alone, I think would be healing. Sounds FUN, too! Fun would be SUPER GOOD medicine after all you've been through. I don't think it would necessarily be a "geographical cure" but rather something fun, and exciting without having to be "working in your head."

I can imagine how much I would like that. Hearing different sounds, tasting new foods, smelling new and different smells, touching new things...nature...trees...greenery...walking new pathways. Hey, can I come? LOL, I wish you the BEST!!!
 
I used to not be able to remember anything. I was constantly dissociated, but years of meditation, and therapy, and Im now getting great grades in school. Im going to start prozac as it helps the brain neroplacitic abilities, and studies in Japan has noted it reverses aging of the brain a bit. There are a lot of medications to help. Im on disability which can be depressing at times, but Im extremly greatful for it. I would like to work someday again, but for now just getting stable, and flashbacks under control with school is enough. Art therapy (even ceramics making mugs) also helps with brain rewiering. It takes a while for the brain to rewire new pathways when old ones are damaged, or distroyed.
I'm glad your here, and a hug from the heart. People are sick, and good, and so many things. It doesn't matter what they "do for a living" sickness is everywhere, but so is the good. I for one can't go to church. I go to nature to see, and feel God. Even in my ghetto apartment I have a tree behind that I look to for spiritual comfert.
 
Hello. I'm also new to this forum. I just want to tell you thank you for sharing this. It is truly wrong and sad. I'm so glad you survived and found a profession you love. It must be so hard to lose that important part of your life with the memory problems. I've been unable to work since August due to the effects of ptsd. I was a workaholic and now i know i used work to avoid my feelings. It is no fun to feel these feelings. I truly hope you can recover your thinking processes !!! I hope you find healing and a release from what this sick person did and the sick culture it happened in. I do hope the very very best of healing to you.
 
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