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Please don't make me do this anymore

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
I can't do it. I just want to feel the way I did before december. everyday I keep hoping I won't feel sick to my stomach or dizzy or unable to breath because of chest congestion. The self hatred and worsening panic and the financial troubles because my husband missed so much work cause of my health. I am 2= months now of not being able to function, not doing dishes or vacuuming, hubby doing laundry as needed.

All the emotional stuff that is all I can do, is just lie in bed and think about it. The hospital is sick of me, they did a home check on me today and the guy was so rude, I was asleep and so was my husband at 9 am and one of my eyes is swollen for and I don't know why, and he is telling me I am asleep at 9 am because I taking to much medicine, which is bullshit because I am never awake at 9 because I can't fall asleep early and I am not even taking 9/10's of the medicine they gave me because something was causing me to have non stop panic attacks so stopped what I didn't have to take, yet they had a way of making me fell like this guilty scumbag

And now I am having flashbacks of my mom and her suicide they make me feel like i am just like her.the way they talk to me a treat me like I am junkie or something because I went in 3 times for ativan because I couldn't get my muscles to relax at all full body cramps which they said was electrolytes and low potassium but I don't I am just freaking out real bad and just my head feels so wrong, I want to be like I was before with just the PTSD symptoms. back before last december

I am scared of these new feelings and new symptoms and change in the way I think.
 
I'll try to come up with something more useful, Fade, but for now ((((((❤️Fadeaway ❤️))))))
 
Thanks Just stupid panic attack and can't think clear to manage it well cause I am dizzy and stuffed up.

I just wish I could calm myself down
 
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I can't do it. I just want to feel the way I did before december. everyday I keep hoping I won't feel...
It is not you that has changed since December, but it is your brain trying to make sense of the trauma you experienced. All the medications in this world will not fix your brain. It needs time to find a professional and compassionate therapist to help it identify and make sense of it all and to work through it all. The thing is, we need both the meds and the counseling together to get better. The muscle spasms, cramping and twitching maybe happening because you may not be on the correct medication maintenance. I tried picking and choosing what meds I thought I need and it put me into a big tailspin that was just nasty and I was not thinking very well. I felt like I was tied to a rollercoaster with a grave fear of heights. I stopped messing with the meds and I am feeling more stable. I now know I will get through this. You will too. I am proud of you for speaking out. It really does help. Hang on now and breathe slowly. Concentrate on your breathing. Feel the air come in and how it feels as it passes through your nose and into your lungs and belly. Breathe out slowly and experience how that is feeling from your tummy through your lungs and then out your nose. Keep breathing and concentrating. It will distract your brain from over processing what it does not yet understand. Find a good counselor or therapist. Once you put it all together your brain will follow and you will start to feel better. I have faith in you and I know you can get through this. You are here and so are we. Together, we will get through this.
Gentle hug.
 
Youre not just like anyone, just because you are being treated terribly.

Nothing to be guilty over, just because some medical staff are insensitive aholes.
Not a burden for things you cannot do, either, Fade. Illness happens, that is not your fault or A fault.
 
So thankful I am not that physically I'll anymore. Back on my old tried and true meds every one wanted to change, and the physical stuff cleared up after moving out of where I was living. I suspect environmental because it started right after I moved in. Coincidence? Maybe.
Anyways the consquinses of being sick in December Jan and Feb have come at a higher cost than I can even talk about right now. I will just say that I had a plan for suicide recently and not due to PTSD but because the alternative was something I decided along time ago that if forced to make that choice i would die first. Things are walking a fine line on that right now. Wish I could tell what is really happening, but I wil once I am one the other side of it.
 
I will just say that I had a plan for suicide recently and not due to PTSD but because the alternative was something I decided along time ago that if forced to make that choice i would die first

One thing I’ve learned in life :

Decisions I made a long time ago? Need to periodically come under review. The reasons I made those decisions then, are often long gone, and solutions I could have never imagined at the time quite present. Acting on them as if no time had passed & I’d learned nothing? Not only sells myself far short, but is literally livin in the past. No different from a Trigger or Flashback, acting as if now is then.

Doesn’t mean I’ll come to a different decision. ;) But it does mean that my decisions made today are informed by my experience. The dictates of my conscience now and at nineteen? Vastly different creatures.
 
I have definitely spent a lot of time revevaluating. I had a 2,000 Mile drive with nothing better to do than reevaluating. The fact is there are some situations that it is impossible to improve. And other things that some people just couldn't live with the memory of. Somethings I just don't want to live through. I wouldn't want to live through large scale 3rd degree burns and go through the process of skin grafts and years of pain. I use that as an example because it isn't a forseeable risk, but other things I feel similarly to are. I will fight to find alternatives but if the options run out...

I still have hope, but terrified too.
 
Maybe it calls for another long drive?

Not being sarcastic, I mean it: doing things for a while that make you focus just on those things, on the life and flow of it, on things immediately around, and wait up for everything deep to come into focus with a huuge distraction gap in the meantime.

And burning the bridges when you get there. You do not have to worry about at least some of those things, now, and maybe not so immediately or deeply of the others... so postpone them until you have to.
 
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