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Relationship Please Help Me Hang On To My Love With Ptsd

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DeeDee85

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I usually don't post on forums but I don't know what else to do. This is a long story but I will try to keep it brief.
I first met my boyfriend in 2010, it was an instant and intense chemistry that everyone noticed but we did not start dating until April 2011. It was a whirlwind and he quickly became my best friend and love of my life. I've had other long term relationships before but we were different. He said the same. Things were wonderful for over a year until the summer of 2012. At that time, he was getting ready to go back "home" for a month long visit. Home is in Europe. In 1994 he had an accident. He stepped on a landmine and lost half of his leg. He spent years in hospitals. First in Croatia and then in the US. He eventually was able to walk again (with a prosthetic) and got back to work. He remained in the US. I knew that we wouldn't have much contact during the trip but he completely disappeared. He stopped talking to me about 4 days before he left and I didn't hear another word for 2 months.
He agreed to meet me but I know from the moment that I saw him that something was wrong. His eyes were dead. He had lost a ton of weight and had bags under his eyes. He also started smoking again. He had quit years before. He hugged me tight and told me that we would get it back and then he left. That was in August 2012.
He changed his phone number! I emailed but he didn't reply. I sent him a card 2 months later for his birthday but got no response. I received an email from him on my November birthday. That opened up some casual conversation but he didn't call until December. It took some time but we were back together by February 2013. He told me that he was diagnosed with PTSD and just "climbed into a box". Through all that time he never considered us broken up. We were good and in love for a couple more years and then things started going south in November 2015. His father was ill and eventually passed away in December 2015. This hit him hard and he shut down. In February I was hospitalized for emergency surgery. He was there at the hospital but you could see how uncomfortable hospitals made him. Because of complications, I was in and out several times during a 6 month period but he was always there.
Until September 2015. That's when he started pulling further away. He opened up and told me about money problems he was having. He was feeling ashamed but felt much better after we talked about it. He also has a 12 year old son that he adores. The child's mother goes out of her way to make his life hell. She was essentially blackmailing him by using the son as a pawn. He was also under a lot of pressure to take care of his mother. She's a nice lady but very controlling and high maintenance. She calls often and if he doesn't jump she has a medical "crisis".

(Cont)
 
Now we are up to fall of 2015. He is becoming more distant and we are seeing less and less of each other. He still tells me that he loves me every day. We have plans to get married and move down south. This won't happen for a few years because we don't want to pull our kids out of school. He even gave me a bracelet with our wedding date engraved in it. He keeps begging me to hold on because things will get better.
I ended up breaking up with him on New Years Eve because I was so hurt and lonely. He promised it would get better but things never changed. 2 weeks later he showed up at my work and begged me to come back and I did. This did not last. We went back and forth like this for months. It blew up on June 1, 2016. He was hysterical, crying and shaking. He started having panic attacks. He thought someone cursed him. He told me about nightmares he was having. And then he disappeared.
Just like 2012. He changed his number to get away from me. He stopped answering emails. He stopped working. He stopped leaving the house.
He called a few times in July and started emailing again in October but then that stopped on December first. I got a Merry Christmas and Happy New Years message plus a few "I love you's" but other than that he's gone. I'm heartbroken. I'm trying to hang on and fight for him but I don't know what to do.
Our relationship was very good. There weren't arguments, yelling or violence. The PTSD and depression just changed things.
He says he loves me, does he?
 
I think the key word here is "was" -- your relationship WAS very good, but from what you describe, it sounds like the good times are long gone. So why are you trying to hang on to something that has become unhealthy, dysfunctional and masochistic?
 
I think the key word here is "was" -- your relationship WAS very good, but from what you describe, it...
He's sick. I know that. I don't want to abandon him. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer, I'm not going to leave him because of this. But it's so painful. Something funny or exciting happens and I pick up the phone to call my best friend but then I remember that he won't answer. I don't even know his number. I know in my heart that he will get better and things will go back to normal but I'm having a hard time waiting.
 
I know you love him Deedee, but you have to love yourself too. I love my So/ex-SO, but what we had isn't what we have now, it's do distant from that. I don't want to "abandon" her either, but if she wants to push me out and cut me adrift I may have to just respect her decision, even if it hurts.

He probably does love you, but he's clearly changed and not really in a position to participate in a healthy relationship. It kills you inside, trust me, I know.

You do need to focus on yourself though, you matter and you can't just keep saying "it'll get better".
 
By allowing him to hop in and out of your life and your children's lives, you are reinforcing the idea that it is acceptable to do that. He can just take off for 6 months and you'll be fine with it and waiting on him.

He's done it twice... he'll do it again.
 
I know you love him Deedee, but you have to love yourself too. I love my So/ex-SO, but what we ha...
A couple months ago he told me that he dreams about when we move away because the depression will be gone.
This place, the people in his life, is what is killing him. His child's mother is a horrible person. His mother manipulates and guilts him all the time. He lives in constant fear of never seeing his son again. He doesn't handle pressure well and right now he can't escape it. We decided to stay here until our kids are done with school. I don't know if he will make it that long. I'm honestly scared that I will find him hanging in the backyard.
He looks like death. I ran into his nosey neighbor who was trying to get information out of me. The neighbors think he is terminally ill. He barely leaves the house and looks terrible. Another mutual friend knocked on his door one afternoon and he was still in his robe and unshowered with a full beard. This is very out of character and caused concern. How can I help? He was seeing a doctor who referred him to a specialist. Last he told me, he was waiting to get in. I don't know if he ever did.
 
By allowing him to hop in and out of your life and your children's lives, you are reinforcing the id...
He promised after the first time that he would never hurt me like that again yet here we are.
In those years, whenever he would start to "go in his box" he would let me in. The rest of the world would be shutout but he still confided in me. He always said that I made him feel better.
And he never considered us broken up. He still doesn't. In his mind, our relationship is still great.
 
This place, the people in his life, is what is killing him. His child's mother is a horrible person. His mother manipulates and guilts him all the time. He lives in constant fear of never seeing his son again.
I wish I could blame all my relationship problems on other people in my life being "horrible." Imagine if everybody did that -- no such thing as personal responsibility, just others being "horrible" and it's all their fault.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it really sounds like you are just making up excuses for him. Maybe he is a great guy, but you can't force him to change, and you certainly shouldn't be blaming everyone else in his life for his behavior. How do you even know that what he's told you about all these people is true? It may not be. He's been treating you horribly since 2012 ..... are you sure he doesn't have a wife and kids, or a family you're unaware of?
 
I wish I could blame all my relationship problems on other people in my life being "horrible." Imagine...
I know the ex....she is horrible.
She tells the kid that his father doesn't love him when she can't get her way. Her way usually means more money. She blackmails him with a couple incidents from 6+ years ago but it all comes down to threats of him never seeing his son again. She tells the boy that his father is shit.
He is actually a really great guy with the exception of these two episodes. It doesn't sound like it because I am only posting the negative but he is wonderful and kind and loving and when we are together, he makes me very happy. That's why I am hanging on. We were great for along time. I know that he is still in there.
 
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