• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Please help :(

Status
Not open for further replies.
This is getting so hard. I had problems in the present, a lot, over months, and the stress got to me. Now I'm all both anxious and depressed so much. The anniversary of a trauma I had (yesterday) may it worse, but I kind of thought from today it would get better. But it's like the feeling is bleeding from one day into the next.

I'm sure there are things to do, but my mind is racing, while my body feels unable to move and I find everything so hard to do. Currently there is small gap in work deadlines too and so it's up to me what I do and when. I need to start cooking and eating well too, but I need to grocery shop today and when I feel so low it's so hard remembering what I can cook and I'm afraid I'll buy whatever if I go shopping now. Not to mention that today even making sandwich or salad or anything feels like too much...but if I don't make myself cook I have to find decently healthy food to order or to go on junk food. I've been choosing the latter a lot while stressed and obviously, it's making my energy levels even worse.

I feel so tired and depleated. I push myself to still go to dance class on the weekend, and still do chores and meet friends and whatnot, but everything is so painful, so slow, so unproductive. It's like pushing against a current for every tiny little thing. It makes it so sad. I feel useless. It's taking me lots of effort to do any simple little thing, even getting out of bed, and that is so demeaning. I have a good day and it gives me hope, but then the next day it's back to all the darkness. I thought I'd learned a lot how to cope and take care of myself better...But now I'm a mess. Everything is wrong. I don't know where to start. Fixing one thing is like...one out of a 1000, feels good for a moment and then I'm back at that state again.
I want to exercise. I hate that I've gained weight. I'd love to be healthy and happy, but it's like in days like today I've forgotten HOW. It's like any coping things are slowly fading and I'm losing myself more and more. I need tips, help,... I need vacation and a break, but that I can't get so I have to deal....Please help anyone if you know anything that may help...

p.s. Can't really afford therapy right now. I know it would possibly help but it's not in my budget...
 
It's taking me lots of effort to do any simple little thing,

The more reasons to praise yourself?

Because you're still doing them all.
I feel so low it's so hard remembering what to cook

Would it help you to have a list of easier to make recipes, and their combinations? What can go with what? (Or some form of a picture guide to that, like if walking someone else through cooking for the first time?) Ev. do you have anyone who genuinely likes cooking you could ask about their ideas of what to make?

Everything is wrong.
You're fixing the mess, on it already... so not everything is wrong. You aren't.
 
The more reasons to praise yourself?
Thank you...I hate feeling so powerless and stuck.
I am doing, but it's like- half a day I do what I can, half a day I can't get out of bed....One day good, then another I can't get out of bed....
Today is like that. I'm spending a lot of the day in bed, and then I'll go buy food, may be cook, may be ...well, whatever else I manage. I'm trying to read stuff to inspire myself, but it still only helps for like an hour at a time or whatever. In another life I would just say "I'm taking the week off and going on vacation" but I can't pay for that...

I think at least cooking I figured out, I youtubed some easy meal prep and decided to splurge a bit this week on the ingredients I use(still cheaper than ordering food) and make it as easy on myself as I can- the 15min rice bags, some 10min pasta that already has sauce with it, buying ready tomato sauce instead of tomato paste...basically simplifying the cooking as much as I can, because it's all I can handle right now.

Now sure how to do the same process with my job though. My regular gig is fine, but I have to start working on my creative business and also look for more clients again. And because of how I'm feeling, it feels like I have to do it all in a day and I end up not starting. May be even applying for one job a day would be more productive than this, may be...but it feels so hard to start, because it's...well, it's more complex than cooking, for sure.

And no, sadly I'm usually the cooking enthusiast, it's just that I'm not my normal self right now. A list would help and I always mean to make one, but I never do it while I'm well. And obviously I won't do it in this state, because I can't think of anything...
 
basically simplifying the cooking as much as I can, because it's all I can handle right now.

That's badass you know?

Finding something complex & difficult, simplifying it to the degree it's doable on any and all days and still ends up with the needed result. That's not 'all I can handle'; that's fairly genius at work.

My regular gig is fine, but I have to start working on my creative business and also look for more clients again.
What helps you bridge both creativity and finding people?

(I usually find when I get excited about whatever I'm doing / it feels right? Sharing with people and wanting to share and involve them and get better comes with the territory, because creating doesn't come in a vacuum; so what makes finding clients not a chore, but finding people to share the awesomess with? Not the money, sharing yourself & what you're bringing to the world, with.
would be more productive than this
Productive is a matter of what one /considers/ productive.

You're being productive already, if it fulfills you. If your sense of purpose lines up with it. If you can see the sense & meaning in what you're doing as something even possibly matching you / being right /for you/ somewhen later, when this cloud lifts.
because I can't think of anything...

What's the simplest food you can make, any day?
What's the things you need to feel full when eating in a meal?
What meal do/would you make for a child, and for a sick child?
What would you make to give a guest / a friend that just hopped by to see you for two hours?
What's a night-time favorite?
What's something you can't ever get enough of?

Maybe some places to start. ;)
 
I have been in your place. many times.. and the one thing I did that I am always grateful for, to hell with that budget. somewhere, somehow, I made me be first.... and I know the bills will stress you... there are places that do a sliding scale, don't know about in your country.... but none of the rest of this is important, the bills, cooking, jobs, unless you are here to do these things.... something has triggered you, more than just the anniversary of your trauma....

I am asking you to PLEASE put yourself FIRST.... none of the rest of it matters if you can't do it... and when we are like this, we really CAN'T...

Would you at least think about it... you possibly needs meds to help you thru the super bad part.... you have legitimate reason to seek therapy.... sometimes, nothing in the world matters, until we get help for our self.... I know you will write back all the reasons you can't ..... but please try to find one reason you CAN... sending healing energy for you to pick YOU.
 
What's the simplest food you can make, any day?
What's the things you need to feel full when eating in a meal?
What meal do/would you make for a child, and for a sick child?
What would you make to give a guest / a friend that just hopped by to see you for two hours?
What's a night-time favorite?
What's something you can't ever get enough of?
Simplest- I guess a sandwich. I've been living on sandwiches and pizza and junk food for 2 weeks though, as I was too tired to cook in any shape of form. So I guess what I'm doing today is still a step up.
A lot of what I usually cook is more complex as I find the process very artistic(red thai curry. orange chichen and rice...ect.)

Finding something complex & difficult, simplifying it to the degree it's doable on any and all days and still ends up with the needed result. That's not 'all I can handle'; that's fairly genius at work.
Haha, thank you! I guess I can't feel that now, but someone seeing that when I know I am not objective right now is useful.
I did get the things I mentioned, plus some bags of frozen veggies. 10min rice, frozen veggies and some soy sauce and that's a meal. I also got simple stuff like chicken breast for stir fry, bolognese sauce(may be for the rice and veggies still) and cherry tomatoes and grapes( delicious and no need to cut)...basically I made sure that I'll get myself to combine these things in weekly meal prep even if I'm really exhausted. It's the one thing I'm fairly satisfied with today, though it may also be the only actual productive thing I manage whatsoever. Needed the day off.

What helps you bridge both creativity and finding people?
No idea. I always find it tough to be relaxed with people, I can be a bit socially awkward. The only times I'm not is when I'm genuinely passionate about something, but I'm not sure how to bring that into my work. I can just draw things I'm passionate about and promote than in search of clients for more illustration work I suppose. It's just that I've gotten that hold up on starting still, haven't managed to break through yet.

You're being productive already, if it fulfills you.
It doesn't. I need to start work on something that feels at least a bit like me, a bit more creative, but I am too depressed and anxious and I keep thinking I am probably not good enough(regardless that I know more people who think I can...)

I am hoping to somehow, someway just relax the rest of today and start fresh tomorrow. But I'm not sure how much I believe in that happening.
 
I have been in your place. many times.. and the one thing I did that I am always grateful for, to hell wi...
Thank you for saying all this. I'm trying honestly. I have meds, but they are low dose. I think they are keeping me functional, which should be enough, but I still need the therapy part. I do have panic meds, but I'm trying to not take them too often so I don't fully depend on them.

Therapy-wise I am aware I need to go back, but I went through 2 month almost-no-income period and I wanted to have a bit of time with regular paychecks until I can relax enough for paying for therapy. Going once a week for a month costs as much as my rent...and my rent isn't some huge amount, but just saying for comparison, it's not little chunk. And that is standard therapy price here, may be even on the cheaper side.

There is no sliding scale on my bills. Plus I have to always show that I've paid them all when I pay rent, it's part of the deal with my landlord. I am working towards being more stable and paying therapy at least once every 2 weeks for starters. But by calculation that may happen perhaps with the next pay I get(in 2 weeks). So yeah. Gotta hold out until then.

I know it's not just the anniversary, I think that was the cherry on top. I was talking about my childhood sexual abuse for a first time in the fall and consequentially had a rough few months figuring out how to express that. Then this year, other than the string of problems, my 5-year relationship broke off and I'm on my own, living on my own in foreign country for a first time ever(it feels like home now, but let's be honest, it's still scary)... Following by the almost-no-income period which began exactly as my relationship broke off(completely unrelated though)...And being in foreign country almost starving is my biggest trigger for the rape anniversary that just happened...So yeah, I'm not sure, but may be all of that, plus the regular random health issues etc. just you know...piled on and on? Me completely ignoring self care for that time didn't help either, I suppose...So yeah, that is the guess as to why I'm at this state.

But now...now everything in me, about me, around me, is severly neglected, and it's not a good feeling on any level. I can finally pay my rent and bills and whatnot, and I am glad I've reached this point, one less thing to worry about...but I do really need serious self care to get out of this, I suppose. That and the therapy. I'm trying to get to it, but in the meantime, 2 weeks is still long time to feel how I feel. So I have to figure out what I can do for myself without spending too much(probably can finally spend something though, and man, I REALLY need to eventually get clothes that fit my shape now so I don't feel in crisis every time I have to get out.)

Sorry this is so long. I think what you said really hits home.
I really need to take priority in taking care of myself somehow. Not sure how yet. I'm improving in some ways I guess, but yeah, it's still so hard and so difficult to even get up in the morning at times...
 
@Ronin Definitely satisfied with the cooking. Mixed the "ready" pasta arrabiata(spicy foods can be grounding) with a bit of the ready bolognese sauce(to make it thicker), some frozen veggies, few fresh cherry tomatoes and sprinkled parmesan on top. Took me less than 10min and it looks like I went to a restaurant. Plus it's my first proper meal in a while. That does feel good.
 
I keep thinking I am probably not good enough

You're the only person in the world that can create the things you do. That thinks, feels, perceives like you.

Which makes you 'good enough' by default; there's /no one else/ that can do the things you do, or dream of doing.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top