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Po Boyfriend With Ptsd Recently Broke Up With Me Blames Other Circumstances?

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Honda787

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I have a few questions I am new to this whole PTSD thing and I really am not sure if this is 100% the cause for my boyfriend to break up with me it may just be a combination of things. I have been going through a divorce was married for 20 years no kids however while doing so three months ago I met this really great guy or so I thought with the same Christian Values as me. He said all the right things told me how wonderful I was, how beautiful I was how I was his soul mate, ect. I being in a venerable state ate it up like candy! He is a Police Officer and started as one in the Military. He suffers from PTSD and has had custody of his son for the last 15 years who is now 17 and just graduated from high school. His graduation set off what he calls empty nest episode and when I would travel the hour to go see him he would drink the entire weekend I was there to visit him and be a different person than when he would just come visit me for the day. I asked him not to drink when I was around or call when he had been. He didn't respect that and on July 4 was the worst and I we almost broke up, it was to be my husband and I's 20th anniversary and we have signed papers yet so I needed him to kind of be there for me but he chose to drink the entire day. Then that week the Dallas shootings happened and he lost it and started to push me away. I not understanding was trying to be there for him by trying to cheer him up I didn't know that all he really needed was to be left alone. I had no clue was PTSD was and what it meant for him. He said he was in a bad place I tried to understand but I know now by my constant texting him all I was doing was pushing him further away. All I was doing was looking for validation that he was still there but I ruined things. A week and a half ago the night before I was to go sign my divorce papers he asked for a brake. This was the worst night he could have done this I was on overload and already depressed and went off on him and asked him if he was willing to take the risk of loosing me to someone else during that time and a few other things I didn't mean! I instantly knew I had said the wrong thing and tried to apologize via text, he cut me off of Facebook, and wouldn't respond to me. He finally did and said he needed to be alone with his thoughts and then Friday at 1:30 am text me if I was up and needed closure. When I got up yesterday I finally go him to call me at 11:00am I could tell he had already been drinking. I apologized again and said I was okay with taking a break as long as I knew he would be there and that I woudnt be looking for anyone. He said it was in fact the comment I had made about willing to loose me and that we didn't have a future when up until I had made that comment he had been saying how much he loved me. He then said he wanted to be friends. I told him I didn't think so because of how he hurt me when I was in a venerable spot and he knew it (he does crisis intervention). He said he had meant everything he said to me and that he loves me. How can someone flip their feelings like that? Is it because I pushed him away and didn't respect his boundaries? I also wonder if it is because I didn't like his drinking? I really cared about this guy we had so much in common and his kid was great as well! I feel like its all my fault! I am not sure why I am so upset we dated such a short amount of time. I have been reading a lot on PTSD and he sees a counselor but I think he needs more than that but who am I to judge. I told him I would pray for him and that I hoped life would be kind to him. Do you think this is the last I will here from him?
 
No idea on whether or not you'll hear from him.

July 4th tends to be a pretty stressful day for American Vets, triggers and stressors abound the whole weekend. 4th of July, Veterans Day, & Memorial Day tend to be pretty dicey. Add in the cop shootings for a LEO? Most I know went more than a little sideways over that. And that's before taking into account all the personal stressors in his life, or your picking a fight with him. 2 words. Stress. Cup. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.83659/

Adding in how vulnerable & volatile your life is right now mid divorce / ink still wet? The whole thing was pretty much a recipe for disaster.

Whether you two will recover from it, or not, IDK. But taking a break, or just being friends, seems like the sanest course of action for the time being.
 
Wow not sure how you would know he is a Leo as I didn't mention that and in fact we both are! My divorce is done now. I just feel guilty that I didn't give him his space when he asked and I discovered what PTSD meant too late and by then it was like he didn't care. I tried to be supportive and kind when the shootings happened but that was not what he needed. I was just looking for a little insight. Maybe I'm too harsh telling him I didn't want to be his friend.
 
PTSD doesn't cause breakups. Unmanaged symptoms and bad coping skills do.

It's really common for sufferers to pull away, only to have a supporter chase them more, then the sufferer pulls away more, then the supporter blames themselves for the suffer pulling away... You might here from him again, you might not. I wouldn't hang on to the hope that he will connect with you again as a reason to not move on past this relationship.

You mention that you don't understand why you are so upset for a short term relationship, and I would suggest that perhaps there is more going on for you than just a breakup.

You just went through a divorce. Perhaps some of your upset is about the divorce, which is kind of like a super-charged breakup.

Any breakup can be really hard. You are going through a huge transition in your life with the finalization of your divorce. That's a HUGE loss.

Sometimes when people go through huge losses, they start to fall into co-dependent patterns with others, and/or chase unavailable people with huge problems of their own. It's a subconscious way for someone to avoid their own grief and loss.

You chased a man who gave so many signs he couldn't let himself show up for you. His self medication is a sign his ability to cope with pain is maxed out. He started pushing you away from the get go. Sure, he said the right things... but every time you needed him, he would drink and shut out real vulnerable relationship with you. He may be able to do crisis intervention work for people in his profession, but doing it for loved ones involves a lot more heart and vulnerability. You may feel he needs more than counseling, but that's for him and his professional treatment team to work out.

I think he probably does really love and care for you and THAT didn't change. What did change is that he realized he doesn't have the coping skills and capacity to be there for you and care about you in the way you need and deserve. :hug:
 
@FridayJones @Justmehere
I think you pretty much got it on him, which stinks he was great out the gate! Me being in a transition period yes. My marriage though has been over for a very long time though but I did move back to my hometown 6 months ago and recently suffered a job loss and now going back to a career I had before. I did find it odd that he could do the work that he can and not be there for me but he has made the comment that he will be switching to detective team in January. But I have no plans to wait for him just had high hopes for him since we clicked so well until half way into our relationship and it wasn't right out of the gate.
 
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So I guess I was way off! Found out this morning when I went to friend request him on Facebook after feeling bad about the whole not wanting to be his friend that he already has someone new! I went off on him via text he had no come back except to leave me alone so chapter closed! We are done!
 
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