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PO'd at Family Reactions

Discussion in 'General' started by becvan, Sep 1, 2006.

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  1. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I so have to vent right now....:cussing:

    I was just trying to explain to my Dad and step-mom that I am being medicated. I usually only talk to my step-mom (God bless her understanding soul) but thought I should tell my Dad about it too. His reaction? "It means you make mountain out of molehills." OMG!!!:die: Unbelievable!!! I started to shake, I got really upset. How understanding of him!!

    When I told my mother about a month ago she told me to get another therapist because I was bi-polar or a schiz.

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.


    I need to find a way to talk to them about this without wanting to strangle the life out of them (on top of the fact I'm angry at them because my PTSD is BECAUSE of them.....)

    Bec
     
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  3. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Good luck with that. If you do find a way, can you let me know? Been trying to work that one out for a long time.

    I have been so tempted to just say "Hi Mum and Dad. I have ptsd. I have it because you felt that keeping the family together was more important than my safety and well-being".

    I just don't think I can cope with handing so much guilt over to them. I see that they did what they thought was best at the time, and they didn't know half of what went on, but all the same, they knew it was bad enough that they should have asked for help.

    If you are like me, then you've probably been beating yourself up and worrying about this for a while too. Sucks doesn't it! My family is pretty stable these days, and me speaking out would be so destructive.

    I wish you luck with dealing with your family. I'll let you know if I find a way to deal with mine.
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    I really, really, really, wish I could say that my parents were "trying to do the right thing." Alas, we don't always get what we want eh? My parents couldn't have cared less.

    My father was drunk. He was drunk until my 20's. His redeming quality is that he acknowledges this, and has apologized for his failure to parent, protect, or be there for me. Gotta love the man just for that. I'm not really mad at him but he is very hard to get along with somedays. (He's very gruff, single-minded, and stubborn!)

    My mother, on the other hand, thinks she is perfect and it's all my fault. I was just the bad apple and ruined her life. Can we say pity pot? Or I hear how it's my father's fault because he's an evil troll and I'm just like him...:hit-boss:

    Can you tell they are divorced???

    I'll let you know if I make any progess; although I'm not counting on it...

    Bec
     
  5. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    My fingers are crossed for you Bec!

    Good luck!
     
  6. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like your mother is feeling guilty and is trying to pass it on to you. Mine just stays in constant denial: "I don't remember it being that bad", "things are different now", "you never had any problems"...and so on.

    My parents are not drunks, but they still made some really bad choices without their judgement being affected.

    I can't imagine how much worse things might have been if my parents drank too. I feel for you Bec.

    Is your dad on the wagon now?
     
  7. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hi Piglet.

    I actually hear the same things but with "well, your teenage years were your choice..." etc.. She forgets about my childhood years and blames my teen years on me. So pretty much the same thing. It's painful no matter how they deny it.

    My Dad has been sober for many years and we have a great relationship now (for the most part.) The good thing about his previous drinking is that I won't put up with drinking in my adult relationships. I can't stand drunks and rarely drink myself. So it gave me good boundries as an adult.

    Bec
     
  8. nml

    nml Active Member

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    It matters how I got obtained PTSD but the solution (recovery) is more important today than who is to blame. I cant change the past...hell Ive been subconsciously trying to do that all my life....its what I am doing now to be a better me that matters for me today. Ive learned to prya for the people who have abused me. It may not help them but it sure helps me to let go a little bit.
     
  9. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    There are many posts on this forum on this very subject. We've all been there. Some of us decided we didn't want to tell our relatives, some of us did. Some of us were embraced and supported, some of us got spit at. I got ignored. There is a wide gammut of responses.

    Bec, you do what you have to do to get better. If you think telling them would be better for YOU, then tell them. Otherwise, don't. I think sometimes it's harder to tell people that are close minded about it until you are through the burnt of it. That way, they get the simplified version. I had this, I got over this, and now I'm fine. All in a neat little package. If they ask questions, answer them.

    I've gotten to a point now that I'm not ashamed any longer. If someone wants to know what happened to me, I'll tell them. I get asked a lot of questions anyway because I'm asian in a 99% white community. So first question, "Where are you from?" or unfortunatly, "You're not from around here! Wher'e ya from, eh?" always leads to "Why did she give you up?" Before, I'd lie, everytime. The answer they expect is what I give them. "She was too poor." Or sometimes I would convince them that I was born in the states! Hahahah! (But that one is hard to cover up in the long haul...) When I was a kid, I said that my mother was wrongly accused and sent to prison... I had a great imagination!

    So, for this very long post, Bec, what I'm saying is...it might not be worth your energy or your sanity. But if you want to let them know, how about a non confrontational way? Like a letter? What do you think?
     
  10. carpediem2006

    carpediem2006 Active Member

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    Ahh, there are those that try to understand and make the effort to do so, and pull out all the stops to look after others. And then there are those that 'forget' the problems they have had, how they felt at the time and will suggest that all is needed is a bit of motivation, strength and a proverbial kick up the bum.

    Then there are those that may have been involved in causing this that will have instant amnesia of anything you mention, or fly off the wall and get violent about it demanding you take back your 'lies'.

    I know about lack of understanding, but have been tremendlously surprised by some people who I did not consider myself that close to and their level of understanding and support. I just find it hard to accept help that I need from anyone, because I am so used to being independent.

    Ultimately, something like this tests relationships and friendships, but anything related with the mind remains as one of the last big social taboos. We are all supposed to be highly functioning, in the same way as many expect us to be continually more 'successful'. Judgements by many are based purely on material wealth, when they consider acheivement.

    We live in a wonky world, but if we go wonky ourselves, you can guarantee that few will want to know about it. There are some very good apples out there, and never let yourself be called a bad one. Anyone spouting such criticism is a questionable apple variety in my opinion (most likely a sour variety, that needs cooking). Anyone's opinion that is not worth its weight in salt is probably not worth worrying about as salt is cheap these days anyway.
     
  11. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Hi Bec,
    my 2cents? please dont stress about people who do not understand you...what you are going through...do not try and figure out why the react the way they do, or why they cant see what you are going through...just see it as the fact that they do not know what PTSD is. I was hard on my hubby for a long time even after the fact that he told me he felt something was wrong with him... and you know what i told him?
    i said well you will have to give me a doctors note saying something is wrong with you because i dont believe a person can be this way. BOY DO I FEEL STUPID NOW! but i have apologized and i have done my research about PTSD and i listen to what he has to say now and i understand better why he is the way he is.... In my part? all ignorance!!! thats it.
    Still gave me no right to say the things i have said.... but like i said, i was just being ignorant and i admit to that...but i am here now...
    bottom line is im not telling you dont be upset with your parents... i know i would be specially they way you were brought up..im sorry... My parents put me through hell growing up...my mom was suicidal and was always putting on mini movies for me or something...when she would cut herself or take a bottle of pills...it was always something...my dad was the quiet "i didnt do anything" dad so growing up i can say i hated my parents and i blame everything that is wrong with me now on them (emotionally)because i was put through so much...The funny thing is that after all that..i had finally started to get along with them and they didnt even bother to tell me they have filed for divorce a couple of months ago! my sister told me because they didnt want to do it...that crushed me! and i am still hurt...yes even at 27y/o so now i have to hate them some more for spilting up...im all screwed up...

    i guess im just trying to say that i have screwed up just like your parents have when being there for the person they love and who needs understanding. But i am here at the forum now... i go to couseling with my hubby whenever he needs me too and i am more understand now that i know what its all about. there are websites and books they can read about what you are going through...they need to learn what you are going through or they will see you as they have always seen you.. I will admit i was hard for me to see that something was not right with my husband...Im sorry if i say anything dumb...please let me know if i say something that bothers you (sometimes im afraid to speak my mind because im afraid someone will take it the worng way and get upset with me) im here because i care....about my husband...and anybody else who reaches out for answers, for help, for understanding.
     
  12. pookiespooka

    pookiespooka Member

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    I think it's right that your Dad is feeling guilty. By getting help you are shinning a spotlight on his misdeads. I'm here because of a traumatic car accident; but I was also molested and abused by people outside of my family as a child and my parents act the same way. I can tell it scares my Mom to talk about what happened even though she didn't know until it was too late. I can tell she still feels awful about it. All I can tell you is not to let someone else's guilty reaction deter you from getting help.
     
  13. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Andrea: You said nothing stupid, in fact, you gave me hope thank you!

    Pookie: It's my mom that's the guilter, not dad. LOL

    Thanks everyone! It helps to know that this seems to be an issue with our loved ones. I find it interesting how I can embrace this, accept this and want to tackle it head on, yet my family (except my partner) all want to run away and hide. Guess I'm a bit stronger than them eh? LOL

    I'm sure in time this will all work out. I've been leaving my dad little pamphlets and articles on it to read. He called today and seemed much better about it!:smile:

    Bec
     
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