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Sexual Assault Posting for a friend

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Roy

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I mentioned in another thread that I told a couple online friends about my joining here, and they asked me to post for them. This one is a rape victim, so I'm putting it here. I hope it's alright if I post for him.

He wanted to go by Ben. He was too scared to join, because he's never been able to tell anyone close to him about what happened to him - the times a similar topic has come up in conversations with his social circle, not in relation to him, all his friends have said a guy would be lucky to be raped and they'd love it. So of course he hasn't brought it up. He's a gay man who had a childhood friend, a girl. They grew up in the same town, and she always seemed to have a crush on him. He never asked her and she never said, she just always acted that way around him. Their families were close. He's from a family that can't accept homosexuality, and he doesn't think she'd get it either. They both went to a party a few years ago (they're both in their 30's), and it wasn't really an event he wanted to attend, so he got a little sloshed beforehand to make it easier to stand. Only a little. He said she noticed that and kept offering him more and more, until he was seriously drunk, too much to be able to defend himself. She took him to a hotel, restrained him to the bed and raped him. He said the act itself is pretty blurry, but that he remembers the before and after more clearly. But it wasn't great, and he didn't like it. He's felt filthy and like he's not a human ever since then. She intentionally didn't use protection and got pregnant. They're both from families that don't allow pregnancy without marriage, and she knew that. She used it to blackmail him into marrying her. So he now has a wife and a son, and he can't bring himself to love or care about either. They're both a constant reminder. He's not hurting for money, so he does his best to always find an excuse to be traveling. But he still feels guilty for not being able to be a father to the kid. But he hates her for being so selfish as to get another life involved in her own greed and lust. In his experience, there's been a general consensus that women don't commit rape, that women don't get lusty like that, and that it's physically impossible for a woman to rape a man. Which is wrong. I could explain how that works but it's pretty explicit. I'm sure you can figure it out. He said he was a really passionate feminist before that, but because of his constant fears and paranoia now he's a misogynist. He has no idea what to do. He's been deep in depression ever since then, and he said every night in bed, no matter what bed it is, a voice tells him to kill himself. But he can't bring himself to leave the kid with such a twisted person like that permanently. He's said it's made him take a lot more risks, get into extreme sports, in the hopes some accident will happen. He's terrified to get a boyfriend, too. Scared she, or someone, will find out. So he's pretty trapped. He wanted to be able to get that out there. If there's any advice for him, I'll pass it along.
 
But he still feels guilty for not being able to be a father to the kid.
I don't get it. I wouldn't marry my rapist if my life depended on it. And in the meanwhile, there is a child there who has NO idea or concept that he isn't loved for reasons well beyond his.her control. That hurts my heart beyond any words.

I think this post is beyond the scope of this board, but that is just my opinion. Having said that, I would suggest that your friend find a therapist right away.
 
Your suicidal friend is a gay man in an unhappy marriage with his rapist and is unwilling to post and wants you to post and you will bring any advice back to him... Does he not have internet access? If he isn’t even willing to get online to even read responses to his story being told through a triangulated third party... is he someone who is really ready get help right now for the underlying situations?

Is it him that needs the advice, or rather you that need advice on how to respond to him? The latter is probably something people can more effectively address.

There are some LGBT and rape crisis hotlines and resources that could really help - try googling the ones in your area and checking out: https://www.pflag.org/hotlines
 
@Justmehere He's scared, do you blame him? I'm willing to help him in any way I can, he didn't force me. He's gotten nothing but bad responses before. As they say around here, the internet isn't a safe place. At least this way he has a barrier between him and possible hostility. He was pretty convinced at least someone would call him a liar. That said I'm not sure what I can do to help him myself, aside from this.
 
He's scared, do you blame him?
No, can’t say I do. Rape makes people react in pretty weird ways, and he is not a bad person for trying to do the right thing by the child involved. Not loving a child, and not giving a hoot about what happens to an innocent tiny human are 2 very different things.

Hope you can encourage your friend to get the support he needs. It won’t be easy. But maintaining the status quo is probably worse for everyone in the long term. He can’t fix this situation by simply staying.
 
Locking; the best thing you can do for your friend is encourage them to make their own membership, and use the anonymous forum if they need to. More info here: Link Removed
 
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