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Supporter Prayers And Advice

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Ive never joined a support group before but I found this site in my research on PTSD and thank God I did. I need advice, there are so many issues that I just dont understand. I met my bf online a few months ago, he has combat PTSD along with childhood abuse and suffered spinal and head trauma in Afganistan. It was amazing, we both felt like we'd found our life partner. Hours on the phone, texting, messaging.. we both made the 6 hour drive to be together for weekends and everything seemed perfect. He was so attentive and loving, sending me songs and quotes, love notes and referring to us being together for our lifetime. Things changed a bit about a month ago and he was less attentive and the phone conversations became shorter and farther apart. He came to visit me last weekend and was in horrible pain from the 6 hr drive, he made the comment he'd never drive it again.. only fly. He told me during this visit I had made him mad because I texted him when I knew he was driving, I apologized and he said he'd told me not to do that. He hadnt and I told him so but assured him that it wouldnt happen again. While he was here he received a text message from his ex gf. I picked it up and saw some flirty comments and him saying "I love u".. I asked him about it and he deleted immediately and said it was from a long time ago. I could see from the look in his eyes he was triggered (now I realize that). Later on I saw a message accidentally with him telling someone he was about to call "the ex gf".. I flipped.. He lied and said he didnt do it, someone obviously doctored the convo and he was pissed that I had told him I was done with this stuff without giving him a chance to explain. He then told me that he was pissed Id gone thru his phone and seen the text previously from the ex. He's contacting her through a game that we play that I have since left. Hes become aggressive, detached, angry, cold and continues to blame me for not giving him the opportunity to tell me the truth.. that he had not told anyone he was calling the ex. ( which I know 100% he did). He now says I constantly overreact and he doesnt want that kind of relationship. I dont either. His meds have changed and hes under stress, I need to know if Im dealing with someone who truly id the person I first knew or if this is who he really is and its time to go. He seems to be finding fault in things that he wouldnt have before, like the way I prounounced his childs name and the correct way to wear a necklace he gave me. Its like hes a different person over the last 2-3 weeks. I need help and advice from anyone who might have insight into whats happening here. Its like hes trying to get me to end it so he doesnt have to.. but is this really him? Im completely confused and hurting.. I need you guys here.
 
Yes, I think you have to accept that it's really him.

I see a lot of red flags not related to PTSD.

He is trying to control you.

-----fixes the way you wear a necklace (is there a wrong way to wear a necklace? It's yours. Once a gift is given the giver has no control over what happens with that gift.)

-----tells you not to text him while he's driving (he is an adult who can choose to not respond while driving. If the text alert startles him then it's his responsibility to turn it off when he's driving.)


Now is the time in a relationship where people start to see how the other person really is. Many relationships start out in a utopian fashion but it's not reality and not sustainable.


And the ex? Is this the mother of his children? If so she will always be around. If not then he is still attached to her/not fully "single"/available as he hasn't moved on and put her in the past. Ex's in the picture when it's not necessary is oftentimes trouble and I avoid anyone who is still in contact with ex's.


I hope you can get the support you need here. Welcome to the forum. :)
 
Yes, I think you have to accept that it's really him.

I see a lot of red flags not related to PT...

Thank you Eve, no the ex is someoneone he had an online relationship before me. Someone he had "cut ties" with. He's cut me off almost completely except for cold questioning about certain things.
 
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The ex-girlfriend stuff and true to some form or fashion doubtless he thinks that his going on the attack is better than owning up or feeling guilty. Red flags, agree with above. Nix the guy unless or until he wises up. You saw what you saw, if he did in fact lie and is going "cold"... then you're better off without the guy. Honest. This actually has nothing to do with PTSD.

I would stop or block this guy without a backward glance. Roger what Eve said about the "controlling issues"... I don't know about utopian but the beginning of a romantic relationship is often the best that a person has to offer, is this is his "best" what does that say to you?
 
He hadnt and I told him so but assured him that it wouldnt happen again. While he was here he received a text message from his ex gf. I picked it up and saw some flirty comments and him saying "I love u".. I asked him about it and he deleted immediately and said it was from a long time ago. I could see from the look in his eyes he was triggered (now I realize that).
Usually "triggered" is when something in the present reminds a PTSD sufferer, even in a small way, of something life threatening in the past. Triggered usually means that fight or flight symptoms kick in as the brain/body try to defend against perceived threat.

His reaction seems less like a PTSD related reaction, and more like a reaction to being caught in flirting inappropriately (and possibly much more) with his ex-girlfriend. His defensiveness and lying are not PTSD symptoms.

He could be trying to cope with his symptoms by engaging in unhealthy behaviors of numerous kinds, but that's different than that behaviors being a part of the PTSD. For example, I may gamble to distract myself in an unhealthy way from my depression, but gambling is not a symptom of depression. He may be sabatoging relationships and cheating in order to distract from the pain of PTSD, but it's not a symptom of the PTSD.
He lied and said he didnt do it, someone obviously doctored the convo and he was pissed that I had told him I was done with this stuff without giving him a chance to explain.
Riiiiight....
He then told me that he was pissed Id gone thru his phone and seen the text previously from the ex. He's contacting her through a game that we play that I have since left.
If you picked up the phone and scrolled through it, that's probably snooping beyond what is ok. But, even if you did that, it doesn't make it ok for him to be cheating. Or responding with more lies when confronted.

It seems like he has had a chance to explain, but instead, he lied. You were smart to say you were done with his stuff. Good boundary.
I need to know if Im dealing with someone who truly id the person I first knew or if this is who he really is and its time to go.
Dating is all about getting to know someone and it generally takes time to really get to know someone. You are getting to know him. You are getting to know what you can and can not trust him with, you are getting to know how faithful he is, you are getting to know how he handles things when confronted with unacceptable behavior. He quickly resorts to lying, coldness, etc. PTSD or not, he's showing you how he handles things. Now you can decide if it's something you want to allow into your life or not. You can't change him. He is how he is. He has to be willing to change himself, and he shows zero signs of that. (and it would take lots of work and time and effort on both your parts to rebuild trust.)

If how he is now is not something you want in your life on an on-going basis, as is, it's probably best for you to end contact with him.

It stinks. I'm sorry he did this. You deserve a lot better. :hug:
 
Usually "triggered" is when something in the present reminds a PTSD sufferer, even in a small way, of...
FYI no I didn't scroll through, I saw the recent text along with the 3 previously.. wasnt snooping. Thank you all for your insight, I know you're right. At this point I'm finished making efforts. Unless there is some dramatic change in his behavior and truthfulness this relationship is finished. I hope he gets help and is fortunate enough to find another woman willing to love and support him in his fight. Im heartbroken but it would be worse the longer and more invested I became. Thank you again.
 
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