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Pre-fugue?

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shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
As a child before the age of two I was moved to 20 different homes. I was adopted 1 week after the age of two and had some pretty good issues. My adoptive parents never told me of my experiences, they died 3 decades ago, and have just in the past 3 years learned the circumstances of my life prior to my adoption.

All of my adult life when I moved I would suffer from the most horrific nightmares. Atoms bombs going off, having to choose between life and death, seeing dead bodies etc. I didn't know why until I found out about the moves when I was younger.

After my breakdown (which involved being forced out of my house), I have had unstable housing situations. I have slept in my car in sub zero weather, wandered from one friend's house to another, slept outside in forests etc. Hasn't been much fun. It is like someone else takes me over and I just want to stay there and 'die' is the only feeling I can attach to it - although I am not prone to suicidal tendencies.

I am happy to say I am now settled but with a man who tends to move freely. He doesn't stay in one place very long. When we moved in with each other I was comatose for a week afterwards and it took me months to recover.

During these times I imagine myself getting in the car and leaving for a far away place (as far as I can), and idealize forgetting who I am. I tend to change my name and it seems like my need for an identity loss overcomes me. Now luckily the people who know me (I am surrounded by many healers as well), know that I am susceptible to this type of behaviour and they make sure there is someone with me at all times. They know this from past experience as I have actually taken off many times but luckily have not gotten far due to their diligence with me.

When I am retrieved I do not respond to my name and insist that my name is something else or that I don't have a name. This is no game. My head actually is there. It isn't until I stabilize and there is no talk of moving and people assure me that I am where I am to stay that I finally start coming around.

I would love to hear people's thoughts on this.
 
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I have yet to let him know. I will have to talk to him though and silly as I am I never thought to talk to him about it. Thanks for the reminder @Pencil. I will absolutely do that. There is no impending move right now (although there was talk of it but given my reaction have decided better of it for now).
 
A psychiatrist has told me he thinks I had dissociative fugue for a while after a trauma when I was 20. It makes sense. I remember the process of recalling my actual identity, which was incredibly weird, and I realise that there was lost time before that, but I don't remember anything about the "identity" inbetween. However, there's some evidence, like what I said to a hospital I was in.

I had a very messed up life from birth onwards. The first six years of my life were without any stability or safety, after that it was more predictable although not in a good way. I was able to deliberately dissociate from as young as I can remember, and thought it was normal to choose to "switch off" whenever I needed to, which was often.

I suppose that the trauma when I was 20 left me unable to manage it internally and therefore I did it externally, that is I needed to be a different person on the outside.

There's something about what you're saying that I'm wondering about. I haven't come to any conclusions or have any fixed ideas, it really is just wondering. It's that you seem to be aware of the desire for fugue, whereas to me it was never conscious.

No judgement or opinions, only an observation. It makes me think of how I've been in the past in relation to alcohol. I didn't use to drink, and at that time I used to fantasise about using alcohol as a means of escape, at the same time as realising that I needed to stay away from the actuality. Then a point came when I decided to ignore the actuality and go for the escape. Very bad consequences. I began to abuse alcohol with all sorts of problems as a result.

What you're talking about might be quite different. It's just making me think of this a lot. With fugue (which to be honest I must have had, although I still hesitate to actually say that) there wasn't any conscious thinking about fugue as such. I still don't know how I'd relate it to what you're saying here, but it's a very strong association for me. Me and fugue seems - to me - a bit different from your association to fugue. Me and escape through alcohol seems very similar.

This is the reason I haven't responded sooner. I don't know where this goes. Maybe more to do with escape as such than fugue as such. But if it's OK to post and say that, all I can say is that this is what I thought and felt when I read this thread.

The amnesia/fugue is something I haven't fully worked through yet. It's a very strange thing to experience. Really, really, really strange - hard to explain how much.
 
Yes, this is the input I am looking for. Thank you @Hashi, I found it unusual to have a pre-fugue awareness as what I have heard is that people just 'click off'. Mine seems almost like a tendency for such - I choose names, I want to drive as far away as I can, but it isn't spontaneous. I don't drink or play with mind altering drugs so there is no other coping mechanism that I fall back on. I do know that every time I am faced with a move at all or a change in housing situations, my head starts to pre-plan an escape that seems to be fugue like. I have never had the opportunity to play it out but if there are people to catch me.

Not even sure if fugue is the right word for it and in hearing that you spontaneously went into such a state I wonder myself what this might be. All I know is that it is like clockwork. Consistent. Thanks so much for your input Hashi. I will do as @Pencil suggested and ask about it but the more input I have of real life situations the better so I can figure out if there is some sort of spectrum that happens with fugue. I am sorry to have brought up uncomfortable memories for you which has me appreciate your answer all the more @Hashi.
 
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