Not sure how to type this out without it becoming a novel. I'll try and touch on salient points.
I went to get an assessment today because of rapid almost violent mood swings (violent in degree not in action) that hit me over christmas for no reason I, nor my husband can think of. It's been accompanied by nightmares (which I could probably count on my hands how many times I've had nightmares in my life-the last while has at least triple that number).
I'm not sleeping, or not sleeping well, when I sleep deeply, I have nightmares, other times I feel like I'm half awake the whole time I'm "sleeping" drifting in that state where you're not quite awake, drifting in darkness, but just able to hear enough to wake up if there's a strange noise or change in the environment.
The doctor, after much confessed puzzlement-we went over everything-life has been pretty decent to me this christmas other than the usual day to day that is dealing with PTSD on a low hum (I'm getting used to it and have been having some luck with some coping mechanisms to keep the worst at a low level). No sudden changes, no physical changes that we're aware of, in fact, if anything my diet is better than it was two months ago, when we were sleeping in our basement living room having renovations starting at 6am and not ending for almost twelce hours of banging and crashing and strangers tromping around.
So-sudden mood swing-talk to psychiatrist on call-he suggests seroquel and that's been okay. 50mg, it slows the moods, but *they're still there*. Just muffled and slower. Still getting the nightmares, still can't sleep for crap.
Took a sleep apnea test, first time I didn't sleep enough for any data. Second time will hopefully be the charm (husband urged me because he's heard me with laboured breathing and half choking in my sleep. I remember waking up feeling suffocated... but... he's more alert when it happens than I am, I suppose).
I had some blood work done in case it's thyroid, but my family has no history and I've been pretty decent the last few test came 'round. I don't know what else she had assigned. More than that, but what, I didn't ask. I was very tired that day.
I had my follow up with the psychiatrist and he did a full assessment-which I wasn't expecting at all. I know some of what he did triggered me with my prior abuse, though he didn't mean to, and he doesn't know me, so it can be forgiven. That doesn't help anything (he told me that two of my prior staff weren't available in the capacity they saw me in-but I *did* see them in that capacity-so it hits me back to my mother telling me I'm a liar and making things up. Normally wouldn't bother me, but the environment was setting me ill at ease and the surprise of an assessment put me on an uneven footing to begin with-so I was already primed.
He wants me to enter into a program at a center where I have gone-and left because they said self harm was acceptable as long as you didn't kill yourself. I was very not okay with that-for *so many* reasons. So I'm skeptical. He said it's evidence based, but I still have a bad feeling left over.
He wants me to try adding two *more* meds to my regime and I am not okay with that. My Doctor has earned my trust enough for her to persuade me. I'm not okay with some random person I just met, Doctor or know prescribing me pills that mess with my mind. It was a fight to get me on cipralex to start and I only accepted because I was suicidal and saw no other choice.
Then I come home, still high keyed, anxious, wanting to cry and wired for sound, and stick my head in a book to calm down. Eventually, it all pools out, and I'm exhausted. I lay down for a nap....
And am greeted with a nightmare where I am drugged up and start going more and more crazy while another person hurls insults and attempts to abuse me, while to add onto it, my face starts swelling and I start choking on my tongue. I wake up finally, and the nightmare was *SO* visceral it takes me a half hour to remind myself that this, the waking world is real, and that it was just a nightmare. Even now, reality feels less...sensory, almost faded, by example, but it's fading.
Now I'm terrified to go to sleep, still feeling like crap from the appointment and none of my regular coping mechanisms are helping enough. They're helping-I'm not curled into a ball in the bathroom on the floor, but I still want to. Even if I wasn't asleep, I'm so keyed that I can't.
Help?
*ugh even if I wasn't afraid to sleep-I'm so keyed I can't.
Also apologies, but this is sleep&nightmares, flashbacks, other symptoms and anxiety. I didn't know where else to put it.
I went to get an assessment today because of rapid almost violent mood swings (violent in degree not in action) that hit me over christmas for no reason I, nor my husband can think of. It's been accompanied by nightmares (which I could probably count on my hands how many times I've had nightmares in my life-the last while has at least triple that number).
I'm not sleeping, or not sleeping well, when I sleep deeply, I have nightmares, other times I feel like I'm half awake the whole time I'm "sleeping" drifting in that state where you're not quite awake, drifting in darkness, but just able to hear enough to wake up if there's a strange noise or change in the environment.
The doctor, after much confessed puzzlement-we went over everything-life has been pretty decent to me this christmas other than the usual day to day that is dealing with PTSD on a low hum (I'm getting used to it and have been having some luck with some coping mechanisms to keep the worst at a low level). No sudden changes, no physical changes that we're aware of, in fact, if anything my diet is better than it was two months ago, when we were sleeping in our basement living room having renovations starting at 6am and not ending for almost twelce hours of banging and crashing and strangers tromping around.
So-sudden mood swing-talk to psychiatrist on call-he suggests seroquel and that's been okay. 50mg, it slows the moods, but *they're still there*. Just muffled and slower. Still getting the nightmares, still can't sleep for crap.
Took a sleep apnea test, first time I didn't sleep enough for any data. Second time will hopefully be the charm (husband urged me because he's heard me with laboured breathing and half choking in my sleep. I remember waking up feeling suffocated... but... he's more alert when it happens than I am, I suppose).
I had some blood work done in case it's thyroid, but my family has no history and I've been pretty decent the last few test came 'round. I don't know what else she had assigned. More than that, but what, I didn't ask. I was very tired that day.
I had my follow up with the psychiatrist and he did a full assessment-which I wasn't expecting at all. I know some of what he did triggered me with my prior abuse, though he didn't mean to, and he doesn't know me, so it can be forgiven. That doesn't help anything (he told me that two of my prior staff weren't available in the capacity they saw me in-but I *did* see them in that capacity-so it hits me back to my mother telling me I'm a liar and making things up. Normally wouldn't bother me, but the environment was setting me ill at ease and the surprise of an assessment put me on an uneven footing to begin with-so I was already primed.
He wants me to enter into a program at a center where I have gone-and left because they said self harm was acceptable as long as you didn't kill yourself. I was very not okay with that-for *so many* reasons. So I'm skeptical. He said it's evidence based, but I still have a bad feeling left over.
He wants me to try adding two *more* meds to my regime and I am not okay with that. My Doctor has earned my trust enough for her to persuade me. I'm not okay with some random person I just met, Doctor or know prescribing me pills that mess with my mind. It was a fight to get me on cipralex to start and I only accepted because I was suicidal and saw no other choice.
Then I come home, still high keyed, anxious, wanting to cry and wired for sound, and stick my head in a book to calm down. Eventually, it all pools out, and I'm exhausted. I lay down for a nap....
And am greeted with a nightmare where I am drugged up and start going more and more crazy while another person hurls insults and attempts to abuse me, while to add onto it, my face starts swelling and I start choking on my tongue. I wake up finally, and the nightmare was *SO* visceral it takes me a half hour to remind myself that this, the waking world is real, and that it was just a nightmare. Even now, reality feels less...sensory, almost faded, by example, but it's fading.
Now I'm terrified to go to sleep, still feeling like crap from the appointment and none of my regular coping mechanisms are helping enough. They're helping-I'm not curled into a ball in the bathroom on the floor, but I still want to. Even if I wasn't asleep, I'm so keyed that I can't.
Help?
*ugh even if I wasn't afraid to sleep-I'm so keyed I can't.
Also apologies, but this is sleep&nightmares, flashbacks, other symptoms and anxiety. I didn't know where else to put it.
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