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PTSD And Marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Nam, Jun 29, 2006.

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  1. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    I might be over reacting and nit picking into something that doesn't need to be, but I'm frustrated with my hub.

    Last night, he told me he was kind of upset with me and worried about me all at the same time. I don't really know what it is. He has a hard time just coming out and saying how he feels. He can ramble on like nothing else if it has to do with servers and networking....very, very, frustrating. :wall: Anyway, we ended going to bed upset. He was mad, although he fell asleep in about two minutes, and me, I was in tears and up until four in the morning, trying to figure out what he's mad about. So, now I wonder if he's comparing me to what I was a few weeks ago to now. I had just started a new med and I was on a sort of "high". I was happy and enjoyed being at home. I was cleaning, and cooking, and taking the kids to the pool. But that has since worn off, and I'm just in the middle. I'm hurt because I feel that I'm doing okay. Sure I have bad days, but I have great days too. No, the house isn't clean, and sometimes I just want to escape the children, but for the most part, I'm doing okay. I do fill quite a few hours of the day doing what makes me feel good. I like to sew and read, so that is what I've been doing lately, (both that don't require children!). I think he wants me to be so many things all at the same time, all of the time: happy, sexy, upbeat, cheerful, outgoing, etc. I feel pressure from him. I know he has this effect on me. A while ago, he put pressure on me to find a job and I tried (I applied for over 10 jobs with only one response...) I was incredibly stressed out and axious. I finally burst into tears and told him that I wanted to stay home. So that is what I'm doing. (It is not easy, however...there is no escape) So, I've been thinking I'm doing good, until he told me I wasn't. He won't give me any details of his opinion. So I'm left to figure this out. mmmmmm. :dontknow:
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Nam, it really is difficult to cope with relationships and PTSD, I won't lie about that, and besides, I don't think it is really a secret anyway. A partner of PTSD really does have to be supportive, through the ups and downs off our lives. Honestly, kerrie-ann has only just worked that out not long ago I think, where she now makes more room for me to move, caters that I might fall down out of the blue, and has to deal with it when it occurs, not bitch at me because it occured.

    I guess men have a lot less emotional scope tham women, hence why he is all choked up about the right words for his emotions. Just ask kerrie-an, she often tells me I am emotionally retarded, which is pretty close at times, yet I push myself out of it slowly, testing all the waters to ensure I don't get hurt. The moment I get hurt, yelled at or stressed, back in I go emotionally, which then takes months to come back out.

    Men and women are vastly different in communication, hence why most relationships constantly have a communication gap I guess, for nothing more than the difference between both species. I guess its kinda like, we want to be with a woman, but don't really know or understand what to do with them once we have them. Both needs and wants are so far apart and indifferent to one another, sometimes I wonder if both species were created to merely torture the other. This comes back to my theory about this life we live is actually hell, and where in it, where we get given a chance to redeem ourselves and get out, or we get recycled back into it again once our human shell has expired. A theory I have had for a long time... :)

    Anyway, you need to talk to him about what are your concerns, and what you need from him. Then let him do the same from you. Needs and wants have to be an equal share in a relationship, or else one feels they are doing all the giving, and getting little back, hence relationships end. A man doesn't really want a women who just does everything for them, they want a companion, someone who will tell them to pull their finger out of their backside and pickup after themselves, we do want love and affection, we just struggle to communicate all these things to a woman. Talking to another male, we can read between the lines when something is said, ie. finding the deeper meaning, but its like a male code of conduct, where even though we understand the deeper meaning, we don't actually say it. Strange beasts we are at that.
     
  4. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Thank you for your reply, Anthony. We had a talk yesterday and I found out it was a much simpler confilict going on with my hub. I had a couple days here and there that depression just takes over. I sleep and only do things that are crucial to me and my children's well being. My husband, because I'm on a med for depression, thought I was just being really lazy. It was funny that he decided to get mad on a day that I wasn't "lazy". I cooked meals, went shopping, made two dresses, and went to the park. Which was why I was confused.

    My anxiety is pretty much gone from the PTSD, (the worst feeling ever, like I'm gonna die....)and the only thing that remains is depression. There are many things that trigger the depression, although I'm not aware most of the time. Usually the next day I feel a bit tired. Then the following day I hibernate. I've had this most of my life...(so I guess it's not part of PTSD..). I really believe that it's something I can't help. I went to the doctor thinking I was anemic once and instead he put me on prozac. I didn't feel any results from it so I quit a few months later. (I just had my first child and I thought maybe that was what was causing the exhaustion.)

    I still struggle with depression even while on meds. I think my hubby is equating my depression to laziness. He now understands. So today, I'll clean the house. I think this is what is driving him nuts, the chaos everywhere. We have two little girls and we are renovating our house, so our house is a mess.
     
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  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Um Nam... I actually pretty much work in the same routine as you do actually... its not just you. No part of PTSD will ever leave us for good, generally speaking, though some people do get lucky or don't suffer all symptoms heavily too begin with, so... I actually get the same sort of days like you, though i am not medicated. Generally once so often, I will start feeling down, begin getting tired and just can't get motivated, then often the next day will be the worst. I never used to feel like this until PTSD has become part of my life. I will have this generally once every month or two, so anything from six to twelve times a year is about average for me. It just knocks me about for a day or day and a half, then I'm fine again.

    I think it might just still be PTSD at play with you also, because what you described is exactly what I get. You on the other hand had early abuse, so you could have actually been suffering bouts of depression your entire life without even realizing what it was. I manage it myself without meds, and do pretty well at it. Exercise, good nutrition and remaining active generally keep depression at bay with PTSD, and without medication. If I stop doing any of those things, it jumps me pretty quick, and it is generally that I do stop doing one of those things that brings on the bout each month or two. I realise what I have done, ie. not eaten for a day, or sat down too much and not remained active, etc etc, then force myself to get up and active which generally puts the depression back down again.

    Its not just you Nam... isn't that refreshing to know?
     
  6. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    wow..yes it is.

    You know, the funny thing is that I just said that my anxiety is basically gone, well, today it returned. Some old friends returned to the area and I hadn't seen them since my PTSD meltdown, so I was a bit nervous to begin with. (I am usually a bit nervous when I'm around people that don't know about my "condition". Reason is....because I can't seem to be myself because I am now a different person than I was...so confusing sometimes...:crazy-eye )

    Well, come to find out, she had some counseling on her own since we parted. She went through a therapy called EMDR for something not related to PTSD. I considered this therapy since it "replaced" the bad memories with the good. Seems all good, but I wonder if it's that simple. Well, it worked wonders for her. Which, now I'm considering it since OBVIOUSLY I'm not over PTSD like I thought.

    When I went into telling her my hard times, I totally cracked. I couldn't keep my composure and had to actually stop talking, take a deep breath, and do a grounding technique which I haven't had to do for years. (I was having a mild anxiety attack.) I'm beating myself sensless over this...which is bad..I know, but after all this time!!!??? I know what you'll say Anthony..."It's lifelong...." I HATE that.

    I could barely eat the whole time while I was there. And I talked like crazy because that's what I do when I'm nervous. I tried to keep it upbeat, and I still am, like on a high...weird. My main concern is for tomorrow. I know I'm going to crash. I'm not being negative about it. It's a fact. How I'm going to handle it is my choice. Usually I like to just sleep it off. Feels good, but not good on psyche. So, I'm making my hub make me get up and do active things tomorrow. I hope that works. Today was emotionally draining for me, so I hope that all goes well tomorrow. Wish me luck.
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Goodluck for tomorrow Nam, actually... best of luck, I know you will be ok to cope with this, because you have come to the other side of the worst already. Nam, your right, I was going to say that, but no need, because you know it. I know it, but I accept it, and that is part of PTSD I believe. Knowing things is one thing, accepting them is another, kinda like the actual therapy of all trauma, is to just accept it and move with it and control, not push against it and be controlled.

    EMDR is a form of therapy used for PTSD, however; if your going to think about it, ensure you tell them the absolute worst of your trauma Nam. The reason is, is that EMDR is not for everyone, and it can actually cause a person to become much worse than without the treatment. It works for some, not for others. A good specialist will know whether your suitable for EMDR or not, but please ensure you are being treated by an expert in that field, not an amateur, because you are talking about your lifelong mental well being.

    Do a search for EMDR on this board, as it has been discussed here with other people already, most of which got rejected to have it because their trauma was too severe for it.
     
  8. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Holy smokes that was fast anthony. You've got bullet fingers...hehe.
    Thanks for the info.
    I'm almost positive that they will reject me then. Oh well. It's just me and myself then.
     
  9. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    And all of you of course.:smile:
     
  10. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Oh Nam... just remember this, even people without PTSD have panic and anxiety attacks, so really don't beat yourself up over this. Mentally you can set yourself backwards... so we must always remain in control of our mental state and the thoughts we process, to isolate reality from sceptacism and fiction. Our thoughts are often our worst enemies, and these must be controlled, and only you can do that.

    Research EMDR Nam... because I think you might find anyway, that they may not perform it on you because of the severity in nature of your trauma. It is generally only used on very mild cases of trauma, not severe, hence why most here have generally been told they are not suitable for it, or the risk exceeds the benefits, to put it another way.
     
  11. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Not to undermine my friend's "issue" is what she called it, but her "issue" is not a trauma. And I believe mine is....but I'm wondering AGAIN, whether or not I'm suffering from PTSD. I know, good grief, get a grip, yadayada.

    I'm sitting here after only three hours of sleep the last night and I'm here at three in the morning still fighting sleep. Truthfully, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of sleep, and I'm afraid for tomorrow. You know what, that hurt to say that. I'm awful about being truthful to myself about how I feel. You suspected this didn't you, Anthony? Because, I was reading my second post, which BTW, I was on a high from being on a "happy" med, and I think I've sugar coated everything. And I do it often!! "It's no big deal, I'll deal with it myself, but I'm doing great right now", and so on and so forth.

    From your past posts, now that I've done some reading, I haven't even made the basics yet. I still have bouts whether or not the trauma even existed. Then I doubt whether it should have affected me in such a way after being dormant for 20 some years. I have this awful feeling that I'm delusional and everyone else is normal, OR, I'm normal, but everyone else is delusional, when all I want to be is like everyone else.

    Does anyone else doubt yourself that the trauma even happened? That sounds like the silliest question ever to post on this forum....Right now, I'm so tired and worn out emotionally, that I just need to go to bed. I hope I can sleep, but it's really hard when you're pissed at yourself.:mad:
     
  12. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    I need to reread, and reread all of your posts in this thread.
    Worth repeating again.
     
  13. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Regularly - it's all part of the denial thing. If it didn't happen, I can't have ptsd and if I haven't got ptsd, maybe it didn't happen.

    Trouble is, deep down, I know the stuff did happen. It just doesn't feel like it happened to me, except during flashbacks and nightmares. Apparently that's where the dissociation thing comes in. The brain is an amazing thing.
     
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