No-Twitch-Tabitha
MyPTSD Pro
After all this time
To believe in Jesus
After all those drugs
I thought I was Him
After all my lying
And a-crying
And my suffering
I ain't good enough
I ain't clean enough
To be Him
"The Sound of Sinners", The Clash
I was molested as a little girl by an uncle, 2 male cousins, and a female cousin from about the age of 6 until 9 - separate events, but the same outcome.
I was also verbally and emotionally abused by my mother. My father was in the USAF and away most of the time. Even when he was home with the family, Mom was the dominant one. My mother died when I was 20, but I continue to sabotage myself with her messages. I was glad when she died; there are times when I feel like I didn't have one. My father, well, I love him, but he and I are distant. He has End-Stage Renal disease and I can't help but worry about him quite a bit.
Officially, I began manifesting the symptoms of PTSD after Memorial Day this year. Over the holiday, I attended a family picnic and came face-to-face with one of the bastards who abused me. Imagine my surprise.
However, when I think back, it could have started much earlier than that. I began having problems with Depression at 11yo and by the time I was 13 I was suicidal and I spent my adolescent years attempting to off myself. At 20yo, I snapped out of it...the suicidal tendencies, that is. I still don't have much of a will to live. There are times when I feel like I'm just waiting to die.
And yes, I take medication - Cymbalta - which treats me biologically, but emotions are another story. :wall:
I took myself to the local behavioral health center on 7/20/06 for an evaluation as the fallout from what happened over Memorial Day began really affecting my behavior, work, etc. There I was diagnosed with PTSD with "anxiety issues". I hate crowds, I don't like being around other people very much...I'm just not a big fan of people in general. Even before everything, I was a pretty self-contained, lonesome child who was very sensitive (I'm still highly sensitive). Now I'm a self-contained adult. I startle very easily, and I hate being tickled. I don't mind contact, but only with people I know very well.
I feel generally worthless and, well, defiled. I don't feel clean. It's not an obsession (I don't bathe 15 times a day or constantly wash my hands or anything) but it's a general feeling. I don't feel like the world is safe and I'm hypervigilant. I don't trust very easily, and I hate showing anything that's going on in my head. I feel disconnected at times and I am quite avoidant.
That's all I have to say for now.
To believe in Jesus
After all those drugs
I thought I was Him
After all my lying
And a-crying
And my suffering
I ain't good enough
I ain't clean enough
To be Him
"The Sound of Sinners", The Clash
I was molested as a little girl by an uncle, 2 male cousins, and a female cousin from about the age of 6 until 9 - separate events, but the same outcome.
I was also verbally and emotionally abused by my mother. My father was in the USAF and away most of the time. Even when he was home with the family, Mom was the dominant one. My mother died when I was 20, but I continue to sabotage myself with her messages. I was glad when she died; there are times when I feel like I didn't have one. My father, well, I love him, but he and I are distant. He has End-Stage Renal disease and I can't help but worry about him quite a bit.
Officially, I began manifesting the symptoms of PTSD after Memorial Day this year. Over the holiday, I attended a family picnic and came face-to-face with one of the bastards who abused me. Imagine my surprise.
However, when I think back, it could have started much earlier than that. I began having problems with Depression at 11yo and by the time I was 13 I was suicidal and I spent my adolescent years attempting to off myself. At 20yo, I snapped out of it...the suicidal tendencies, that is. I still don't have much of a will to live. There are times when I feel like I'm just waiting to die.
And yes, I take medication - Cymbalta - which treats me biologically, but emotions are another story. :wall:
I took myself to the local behavioral health center on 7/20/06 for an evaluation as the fallout from what happened over Memorial Day began really affecting my behavior, work, etc. There I was diagnosed with PTSD with "anxiety issues". I hate crowds, I don't like being around other people very much...I'm just not a big fan of people in general. Even before everything, I was a pretty self-contained, lonesome child who was very sensitive (I'm still highly sensitive). Now I'm a self-contained adult. I startle very easily, and I hate being tickled. I don't mind contact, but only with people I know very well.
I feel generally worthless and, well, defiled. I don't feel clean. It's not an obsession (I don't bathe 15 times a day or constantly wash my hands or anything) but it's a general feeling. I don't feel like the world is safe and I'm hypervigilant. I don't trust very easily, and I hate showing anything that's going on in my head. I feel disconnected at times and I am quite avoidant.
That's all I have to say for now.