Hello. My name is Portia and I came across this forum today. I figured that joining this forum would be a proactive way to start my therapy on the 30th.
I have had a hell of a hard experience and it is hard for me to find the words to say to explain my weird turns of this rollercoaster called life I'm on right now. Suffice it to say that I think I am in the eye of the storm and rebuilding myself and my relationship with reality are the next steps of the storm.
I was raped on Independence Day, 2010, By an amateur Video Production Services Company Owner, in Las Vegas, NV. I told him to stop, I screamed that it hurt, and there was blood afterwards. Not only did I not know what to do, or how to relate how much I was suffering to the people around me, I was decieved into "working" for this person where the abuse continued on a daily basis for 9 months. I was in utter denial, I was telling myself that this person (18 years older than myself) loved me, and was looking out for me, all while suffering emotional abuse partnered with more sexual abuse. I cut myself off from any Real, Loving Relationships I had and I felt encased in this black like tornado where I had to keep everything secret. I was ashamed and I was...am... definitely wounded.
It wasn't until meeting my current boyfriend, and months after we initially started dating, to come out with the truth of the horrible relationship I had suffered through and the mental anguish that stemmed from it. I am so thankful to have him as some sort of pillar of strength for me to make it through my recovery process.
I went with my boyfriend to see a doctor a couple weeks ago (he suffers from Bipolar, which we have been dealing with this past year as well...lots of jail/mental institutions/ups and downs/which might have been made worse by my undiagnosed and untreated mental anguish...) The student doctor, Nate, told me that I suffer from severe PTSD and that I need some help. So, On the 30th, I am going to the Fear & Anxiety Clinic here in Gainesville, FL. They are going to test me for 6-8 hours and then set up a 12 to 16 week long "Prolonged Exposure Therapy Treatment."
The name alone scares me a bit. But, I am contented to start therapy because I feel like I can't work, I feel like I can't be happy, I feel like I cannot communicate with people, and I feel like I'm angry or scared to the point of hysterical breakdowns at least half of the days of the week, maybe more. I feel like even the littlest thing will trigger some sort of emotional hooplah and I'm sent right back to that f*cking "production studio" (which is a home-loft, convenient for sick-o) and the tumultuous head-caving-in-difficulty breathing thing again.
What I am also having a hard time dealing with is if I in fact, do report this to the authorities. Because, I know the habits that he has used against other women in the past. Do I do myself a disservice by prolonging this experience even longer, by court standards? Do I Forgive and Forget? How do I not let the fear and the anger build up in me to the point where I cut myself off from my boyfriend, or worse, act out upon him.
Anyway, I hope to get out my story. I hope I can create art from this experience to share with people and become an advocate later on, but I'm having difficulty waking up each morning, let alone having the self-discipline to even move forward with life. I feel like if I cannot fix myself in the months to come, my life will only get harder and harder and I just want things to be simple and easy.
So, I guess that's my intro. thanks for reading.
Portia
I have had a hell of a hard experience and it is hard for me to find the words to say to explain my weird turns of this rollercoaster called life I'm on right now. Suffice it to say that I think I am in the eye of the storm and rebuilding myself and my relationship with reality are the next steps of the storm.
I was raped on Independence Day, 2010, By an amateur Video Production Services Company Owner, in Las Vegas, NV. I told him to stop, I screamed that it hurt, and there was blood afterwards. Not only did I not know what to do, or how to relate how much I was suffering to the people around me, I was decieved into "working" for this person where the abuse continued on a daily basis for 9 months. I was in utter denial, I was telling myself that this person (18 years older than myself) loved me, and was looking out for me, all while suffering emotional abuse partnered with more sexual abuse. I cut myself off from any Real, Loving Relationships I had and I felt encased in this black like tornado where I had to keep everything secret. I was ashamed and I was...am... definitely wounded.
It wasn't until meeting my current boyfriend, and months after we initially started dating, to come out with the truth of the horrible relationship I had suffered through and the mental anguish that stemmed from it. I am so thankful to have him as some sort of pillar of strength for me to make it through my recovery process.
I went with my boyfriend to see a doctor a couple weeks ago (he suffers from Bipolar, which we have been dealing with this past year as well...lots of jail/mental institutions/ups and downs/which might have been made worse by my undiagnosed and untreated mental anguish...) The student doctor, Nate, told me that I suffer from severe PTSD and that I need some help. So, On the 30th, I am going to the Fear & Anxiety Clinic here in Gainesville, FL. They are going to test me for 6-8 hours and then set up a 12 to 16 week long "Prolonged Exposure Therapy Treatment."
The name alone scares me a bit. But, I am contented to start therapy because I feel like I can't work, I feel like I can't be happy, I feel like I cannot communicate with people, and I feel like I'm angry or scared to the point of hysterical breakdowns at least half of the days of the week, maybe more. I feel like even the littlest thing will trigger some sort of emotional hooplah and I'm sent right back to that f*cking "production studio" (which is a home-loft, convenient for sick-o) and the tumultuous head-caving-in-difficulty breathing thing again.
What I am also having a hard time dealing with is if I in fact, do report this to the authorities. Because, I know the habits that he has used against other women in the past. Do I do myself a disservice by prolonging this experience even longer, by court standards? Do I Forgive and Forget? How do I not let the fear and the anger build up in me to the point where I cut myself off from my boyfriend, or worse, act out upon him.
Anyway, I hope to get out my story. I hope I can create art from this experience to share with people and become an advocate later on, but I'm having difficulty waking up each morning, let alone having the self-discipline to even move forward with life. I feel like if I cannot fix myself in the months to come, my life will only get harder and harder and I just want things to be simple and easy.
So, I guess that's my intro. thanks for reading.
Portia