miss hartigan
New Here
So, entry the first.
Did I really get PTSD from finding out my ex cheated on me for most of our 20 year relationship? Kind of, or at least that was the straw that broke the camel's back, cause I was left exactly that way. Broken.
I was molested through out my childhood. I came to believe that I had a bullseye on me for sexual abuse. My own father! well he claimed it was sex ed. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, but after my husband, I've come to realise that people are capable of doing the worse types of things to those they are supposed to love.
In my late teens early 20s, I was very outspoken against sexual abuse and women's issues. Although, I had only told, 3 people that I had been molested, I didn't feel it dragging me down. I felt healed and decided all I could do was to become very vigilant to make sure this doesn't happen to my kittens (kiddos).
So then came marriage to my childhood sweetheart. He had also been molested so felt comfortable with each other and he didn't force me or pushed me to have sex with him while we were together. But then came marriage, he would just not leave me alone. I felt emotionally black mailed to give in whenever he wanted it. It got to the point to which I'd just let him do his thing and then go to sleep. It was so demeaning, I grew resentful, which made me want him even less, and so on.
We tried counselling on several occasions, but nothing very useful came out of it. So fast forward 15 years of marriage and I was diagnosed as Bipolar type 2 a year earlier, after a terrible depressive episode; I asked him for a divorce. He was angry about it and that's when he decide to tell me about his affairs. It knocked me off my feet, I had no idea. Maybe I could've dealt with a slip, but through out our relationship. Too much. So I continued with the divorce proceedings cause I just needed to be done with my marriage that much faster.
At first I started noticing that whenever the topic of infidelity was brought up, I'd break apart. Then being that I am close to being forty, came the realization that I gave my youth to an abusive, manipulative, SOB. I figured I was entering my mid-life crisis earlier than I expected. But I began to notice I couldn't hear or read about anyone, specially women and children being abused in any way. One of the things I wanted to do soon after I divorced was to pick up where I left off: working towards helping women and kids. But how could I do that when I can't hear the word rape, molestation, negligence, manipulation, etc, without coming undone. I figured that as soon as I got over what my ex did, I'd be ok. Well, the pain about the infidelity has lessened to the point in which I can write and talk about it with out crying. Still hurts, but I don't come undone and am not left raw after talking about it. So what did one thing have to do with the other?
I think it has to do with being victimized. When he told me what he had done, I could do nothing about it. I couldn't get even, I couldn't ask him for a divorce, because I had already done so. So I was left holding this piece of information which not only explained so much but also changed my perception of my what my marriage really was like, it shook my foundation to the core. I felt so powerless, there was nothing I could do about the situation. I can move forward in any direction I choose, but the past will never change.
I think this is why I became so raw and began having flashbacks. I've thought of what happened to me as a child over and over in an attempt to understand. I thought I had made peace with it, but turns out that believing you were not at fault isn't enough.
So, I listen to songs with no lyrics, because if I come across any song that demean women in any form I lose it. Same for movie, TV shows, frak even the MSN articles in the living section make me break down. I never thought of it as PTSD,I just thought I was being over sensitive. Now, I can't even watch Law and Order SVU. Really, it comes on and I have to change the channel right away. Five years ago, I used to marathon the crap out of those series.
My niece has gotten involved with rape prevention groups and sometimes sends me links in facebook about it. I hide them so I don't have to look at them. I unliked several pages because they brought up articles on abuse and rape, and how to help victims, etc. I wanted to argue it wasn't PTSD, I mean, I'm already on meds for bipolar and generalized anxiety conditions. I don't need another label! But flashbacks, anxiety, and the inability to carry out some work I really wanted to do, I'm gonna have to accept it and just learn to deal.
Did I really get PTSD from finding out my ex cheated on me for most of our 20 year relationship? Kind of, or at least that was the straw that broke the camel's back, cause I was left exactly that way. Broken.
I was molested through out my childhood. I came to believe that I had a bullseye on me for sexual abuse. My own father! well he claimed it was sex ed. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, but after my husband, I've come to realise that people are capable of doing the worse types of things to those they are supposed to love.
In my late teens early 20s, I was very outspoken against sexual abuse and women's issues. Although, I had only told, 3 people that I had been molested, I didn't feel it dragging me down. I felt healed and decided all I could do was to become very vigilant to make sure this doesn't happen to my kittens (kiddos).
So then came marriage to my childhood sweetheart. He had also been molested so felt comfortable with each other and he didn't force me or pushed me to have sex with him while we were together. But then came marriage, he would just not leave me alone. I felt emotionally black mailed to give in whenever he wanted it. It got to the point to which I'd just let him do his thing and then go to sleep. It was so demeaning, I grew resentful, which made me want him even less, and so on.
We tried counselling on several occasions, but nothing very useful came out of it. So fast forward 15 years of marriage and I was diagnosed as Bipolar type 2 a year earlier, after a terrible depressive episode; I asked him for a divorce. He was angry about it and that's when he decide to tell me about his affairs. It knocked me off my feet, I had no idea. Maybe I could've dealt with a slip, but through out our relationship. Too much. So I continued with the divorce proceedings cause I just needed to be done with my marriage that much faster.
At first I started noticing that whenever the topic of infidelity was brought up, I'd break apart. Then being that I am close to being forty, came the realization that I gave my youth to an abusive, manipulative, SOB. I figured I was entering my mid-life crisis earlier than I expected. But I began to notice I couldn't hear or read about anyone, specially women and children being abused in any way. One of the things I wanted to do soon after I divorced was to pick up where I left off: working towards helping women and kids. But how could I do that when I can't hear the word rape, molestation, negligence, manipulation, etc, without coming undone. I figured that as soon as I got over what my ex did, I'd be ok. Well, the pain about the infidelity has lessened to the point in which I can write and talk about it with out crying. Still hurts, but I don't come undone and am not left raw after talking about it. So what did one thing have to do with the other?
I think it has to do with being victimized. When he told me what he had done, I could do nothing about it. I couldn't get even, I couldn't ask him for a divorce, because I had already done so. So I was left holding this piece of information which not only explained so much but also changed my perception of my what my marriage really was like, it shook my foundation to the core. I felt so powerless, there was nothing I could do about the situation. I can move forward in any direction I choose, but the past will never change.
I think this is why I became so raw and began having flashbacks. I've thought of what happened to me as a child over and over in an attempt to understand. I thought I had made peace with it, but turns out that believing you were not at fault isn't enough.
So, I listen to songs with no lyrics, because if I come across any song that demean women in any form I lose it. Same for movie, TV shows, frak even the MSN articles in the living section make me break down. I never thought of it as PTSD,I just thought I was being over sensitive. Now, I can't even watch Law and Order SVU. Really, it comes on and I have to change the channel right away. Five years ago, I used to marathon the crap out of those series.
My niece has gotten involved with rape prevention groups and sometimes sends me links in facebook about it. I hide them so I don't have to look at them. I unliked several pages because they brought up articles on abuse and rape, and how to help victims, etc. I wanted to argue it wasn't PTSD, I mean, I'm already on meds for bipolar and generalized anxiety conditions. I don't need another label! But flashbacks, anxiety, and the inability to carry out some work I really wanted to do, I'm gonna have to accept it and just learn to deal.
Last edited by a moderator: