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Ptsd From Infidelity? Wow, I Guess I Can't Take Much.

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So, entry the first.
Did I really get PTSD from finding out my ex cheated on me for most of our 20 year relationship? Kind of, or at least that was the straw that broke the camel's back, cause I was left exactly that way. Broken.

I was molested through out my childhood. I came to believe that I had a bullseye on me for sexual abuse. My own father! well he claimed it was sex ed. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, but after my husband, I've come to realise that people are capable of doing the worse types of things to those they are supposed to love.

In my late teens early 20s, I was very outspoken against sexual abuse and women's issues. Although, I had only told, 3 people that I had been molested, I didn't feel it dragging me down. I felt healed and decided all I could do was to become very vigilant to make sure this doesn't happen to my kittens (kiddos).

So then came marriage to my childhood sweetheart. He had also been molested so felt comfortable with each other and he didn't force me or pushed me to have sex with him while we were together. But then came marriage, he would just not leave me alone. I felt emotionally black mailed to give in whenever he wanted it. It got to the point to which I'd just let him do his thing and then go to sleep. It was so demeaning, I grew resentful, which made me want him even less, and so on.

We tried counselling on several occasions, but nothing very useful came out of it. So fast forward 15 years of marriage and I was diagnosed as Bipolar type 2 a year earlier, after a terrible depressive episode; I asked him for a divorce. He was angry about it and that's when he decide to tell me about his affairs. It knocked me off my feet, I had no idea. Maybe I could've dealt with a slip, but through out our relationship. Too much. So I continued with the divorce proceedings cause I just needed to be done with my marriage that much faster.

At first I started noticing that whenever the topic of infidelity was brought up, I'd break apart. Then being that I am close to being forty, came the realization that I gave my youth to an abusive, manipulative, SOB. I figured I was entering my mid-life crisis earlier than I expected. But I began to notice I couldn't hear or read about anyone, specially women and children being abused in any way. One of the things I wanted to do soon after I divorced was to pick up where I left off: working towards helping women and kids. But how could I do that when I can't hear the word rape, molestation, negligence, manipulation, etc, without coming undone. I figured that as soon as I got over what my ex did, I'd be ok. Well, the pain about the infidelity has lessened to the point in which I can write and talk about it with out crying. Still hurts, but I don't come undone and am not left raw after talking about it. So what did one thing have to do with the other?

I think it has to do with being victimized. When he told me what he had done, I could do nothing about it. I couldn't get even, I couldn't ask him for a divorce, because I had already done so. So I was left holding this piece of information which not only explained so much but also changed my perception of my what my marriage really was like, it shook my foundation to the core. I felt so powerless, there was nothing I could do about the situation. I can move forward in any direction I choose, but the past will never change.

I think this is why I became so raw and began having flashbacks. I've thought of what happened to me as a child over and over in an attempt to understand. I thought I had made peace with it, but turns out that believing you were not at fault isn't enough.

So, I listen to songs with no lyrics, because if I come across any song that demean women in any form I lose it. Same for movie, TV shows, frak even the MSN articles in the living section make me break down. I never thought of it as PTSD,I just thought I was being over sensitive. Now, I can't even watch Law and Order SVU. Really, it comes on and I have to change the channel right away. Five years ago, I used to marathon the crap out of those series.

My niece has gotten involved with rape prevention groups and sometimes sends me links in facebook about it. I hide them so I don't have to look at them. I unliked several pages because they brought up articles on abuse and rape, and how to help victims, etc. I wanted to argue it wasn't PTSD, I mean, I'm already on meds for bipolar and generalized anxiety conditions. I don't need another label! But flashbacks, anxiety, and the inability to carry out some work I really wanted to do, I'm gonna have to accept it and just learn to deal.
 
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Hi, Have you been diagnosed yet? Are you seeing a therapist who can help you work through your trauma?

Please don't think that the infidelity was nothing. You have had lots of trauma in your past, and to be honest, it can take just one minor thing to flip that PTSD switch. I was molested as a child but didn't develop full blown PTSD until 25 years later when that PTSD switch was flipped by something that most people would be able to simply brush off and not even think about twice. Infidelity can be very hard to deal with, so I am not surprised that has caused your symptoms to spike as they have.
 
Abuse is betrayal of your trust , infidelity is a betrayal of your trust - In both cases you feel powerless and victimised . When everyone who is supposed to be 'safe' isn't the world becomes a scary place. I think you are spot on - it was the straw that broke the camels back .
 
I know the feelings you're talking about, youre not the only person to carve through life not letting the bad in it destroy you and get side swiped by something that makes everything come crashing down.

I was in the process of divorcing a husband of ten yrs almost for his infidelity when my unrelated (sort of since his glaring personality flaws lead to my trauma) side swipe came. I stalled divorce I was now physically injured and mentally though I hid it and afraid of everything let alone fighting him because he'd always managed to make me out to be a bad guy and I was so afraid to lose anything more in life. For 18 months he got to run around lying and being a bum till our son kicked him out. My comfort in his cheating comes from the fact thanks to text logs and Facebook I was able to see that every lie he ever told me he tells to several others. It wasn't my fault it wasn't my injuries fault and it's not your fault.

I hope someday all the shame and guilt men have put on you can be worn away. We live in a culture of subtle exploitation of our gender to out right abuses of it. We are conditioned to accept it. I think that if not accepting it broke you that just proves how strong you really are. You don't want to and can no longer experience a world that says all of that's ok.

I think no longer accepting that makes you wonderful. I hope in time it can heal you too
 
I would honestly say, based on what I've read, that you have PTSD from a life of sexual abuse, and then this nailed it in relation to you how you felt all these years within your marriage:

So then came marriage to my childhood sweetheart. He had also been molested so felt comfortable with each other and he didn't force me or pushed me to have sex with him while we were together. But then came marriage, he would just not leave me alone. I felt emotionally black mailed to give in whenever he wanted it. It got to the point to which I'd just let him do his thing and then go to sleep. It was so demeaning, I grew resentful, which made me want him even less, and so on.
Finding out he has been cheating the entire time... would absolutely be the straw that broke the camels back for you. Shit, I honestly don't know how you made it as far as you did before breaking. That is a credit in itself for you.
 
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