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Undiagnosed Ptsd From Spouses Affair

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bernie

New Here
Hello all,

I’ve been going off and on to marriage councillors for the past 2 and a half years. Not really going into the details of the affairs, that’s all been covered over the past two and a half years through therapy and many a late night talks. Needless to say it was the worst thing I've ever had to deal with. Things got really bad a year and a half ago when new details, more lovers etc were found out. So we have dealt with issues, cried and talked, we have had our ups and downs.

The first few months were horrible, nightmares, panic attacks, flashing thoughts I don’t control of sexual images with her and him, etc.

Was prescribed lexapro, 2 months of relief and sleep, I was a different person, a bit zombish, and a few months in the thoughts and panic attack were less frequent and less painful. Then the new news hit a year ago, and bam my brain starts pounding me with the panic attacks and a forbidding doom squeezing my heart. Wake up from horrible dreams, cry out of nowhere, its freaking crazy. Sometimes there is no trigger at all, something just hits out of the blue.

So last month things are haunting me and I tell the wife we gotta go back into therapy. We find a new guy, we both really like. Within the third session he looks at me and says you have PTSD and I want you to go see a specialist for a few sessions by your self.

Me and the wife have really worked through a lot of our issues, but my being stuck in the past and not letting go has not let us get off the roller coaster of living in the past. I've felt bad about this but I've tried to explain to her that it is not like I'm trying to torture her, hurt her on purpose by being distant or depressed allot

I try to explain I'm not doing it on purpose, so I guess my brain is doing this crap to me because it can’t handle processing the traumatic events.?

I’ve read allot in the past 2 days about PTSD and feel really uneducated about it.

I have 3 real questions...

My doc wants me to go see a specialist in neuro lingual therapy,, thoughts?

Any advice or suggestions for helping my spouse deal with my PTSD?

Anyone else suffer this hell from a spouse’s affair, and has anything helped stop your PTSD caused from it?

Thanks all

Bern
 
Hi Bern,

Welcome!
I'm so sorry you're suffering so deeply from such a terrible wounding.
Therapy helps tremendously, particularly with a trauma specialist.

My spouse is, unfortunately, a sex addict - which I didn't discover until after our marriage.
However, that alone did not create my PTSD.
I can identify and empathize with your deep pain.

I don't know anything about neurolingual therapy, other than it's not particularly mainstream with PTSD treatment. There are other, more established forms of therapy proven to help people with PTSD, so you have a number of available options for healing.

I am a little dismayed that your therapist would look at you by the third session and say you have PTSD. Most therapists would never even mention PTSD to their clients, and instead first have you tested to determine that diagnosis. I know a therapist who uses that term very loosely and it doesn't serve his clients well at all, because treatments differ for varying disorders and if he treats them as though they have PTSD (and they don't), then they're not receiving the genuine help that is available. It would sort of be like a doctor looking at you fully clothed and telling you he can tell you have prostate cancer.

I'm glad you like this fellow, and I hope he will be very helpful for you and your wife, I don't feel comfortable with what he told you or who he wants to send you to.

I would feel much better for you if you had a definitive diagnosis from a testing psychologist, and then went to a trauma therapist who is trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposure therapy, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing and the like. If they incorporate some neurolingual therapy, ok... but that is a bit too unproven as a legitimate therapy for PTSD, if you even have it.

Possibly not what you wanted to hear, but I'm actually hopeful that you do not have PTSD, and that you will watch out for your own well-being by getting a second opinion and getting tested.

Thinking of you with caring and concern,
Deer
 
Hi bernie

Welcome to the forum.

I can relate to all you are saying about multiple affairs badly effecting your marriage. This was the reason I divorced My first husband, but this did not cause me to have PTSD. It was a nightmare to live through, but at no time was I ever in fear of my life.

Living in the past is understandable because, the loss of trust, not knowing when they go out, if they are meeting someone else, or being able to believe a word they say, is in my opinion one of the hardest things to get back after what you have lived with. 1 affair, maybe let it go, but work on your marriage to find the reason, 2 affairs then think very seriously why it happened again, 3 affairs, out you go sunshine.

Whilst dealing with a spouse who continually has affairs for whatever reason is traumatic, I really don't think this in itself is traumatic enough to cause PTSD. Maybe you should read the link below, which will explain what is traumatic enough to cause PTSD.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-is-traumatic-enough-for-ptsd.13846/[/DLMURL]

I hope you can work through all this, and maybe find a professional of your own, to diagnose you properly, then refer you to your own therapist. I would not recommend a marriage guidance councillor/therapist, diagnosing PTSD, as specialist training is required.

Take care.

Amethist
 
Hello
Welcome to the forum
smile.png


I would be very, very concerned about this "diagnosis". It is very likely that your Therapist is not qualified to diagnose you. I would suggest you see a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis.
I doubt very much that you have PTSD. The first criteria for PTSD is
A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:

(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.
(2) the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.
You can read the rest of the PTSD diagnostic criteria [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-diagnostic-criteria.13885/#post-174312"]here[/DLMURL]

Whilst I can understand how upsetting your wifes affairs have been, I don't think it is 'traumatic enough' to fit the criteria. That is not being said to diminish your pain, or dismiss your symptoms, just that I don't think you fit the criteria. Please be happy. PTSD is a serious condition that cannot be cured.
I suggest you read [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-is-traumatic-enough-for-ptsd.13846/"]"What is Traumatic Enough For PTSD"[/DLMURL] and [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/self-diagnosis-is-not-an-option.13882/"]"Self-diagnosis Is Not An Option"[/DLMURL]
Whilst I am aware that you didn't self-diagnose, I'm not convinced your therapist is qualified to diagnose you.

I really think you should get a second opinion from a psychiatrist.
I also think that CBT should be considered for first line treatment for PTSD, and other anxiety disorders, rather than jumping straight to a less conventional treatment.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I really hope that you do not have PTSD, but that you find a way to work through your difficulties
Take care
CB
 
Dear Bernie,

If your wife is having multiple affairs, you might want to google Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

Dr. Carnes is the director of sexual disorders services at Arizona's Meadows Treatment Center. He has written a number of excellent books that are very helpful and eye-opening for the spouses who suffer with a partner who is unfaithful. It sure put a different spin on things for me, and helped me understand what is going on with someone who is sexually active with multiple people outside the marriage. It was very helpful for me to read Dr. Carnes' books.

I strongly agree with Amethist and Cherryblossom, they are giving you excellent advice. I would like to emphasize, again, what Amethist said: "...find a professional of your own, to diagnose you properly, then refer you to your own therapist. I would not recommend a marriage guidance councillor/therapist, diagnosing PTSD, as specialist training is required."
You and your wife could, of course, continue as a couple with the marriage therapist you like; however, for your life and well-being you absolutely do need a professional to diagnose you. Cherryblossom's advice is perfect!
*IF* you do have PTSD, then a Trauma Therapist (with a Ph.D. in Psychology who specializes in trauma, not a specialist in neurolingual therapy), particularly ustilizing CBT, will be your best avenue, personally, for effective therapy.

With deep concern and very best wishes,
Deer
 
Bernie,

My psychologist, who specializes in PTSD, didn't formally diagnose me until he had seen me himself for a month. Symptoms lasting more than one month is the criteria. He also did an assessment test (on paper, scored results). He was very careful not to jump to conclusions even though he did tell me on the first visit that I displayed "some of the symptoms of PTSD."

So ------ your symptoms are painful and long standing and need treatment as soon as possible no matter what the diagnosis. None of us want to minimize or invalidate your suffering. Get a diagnosis from someone who will be thorough and give you an accurate diagnosis, it will be better for you in the long run. You could always ask your therapist what he has based his diagnosis on etc.., maybe get an additional referral or ask if the person he wants to send you to treats PTSD as a specialty. If you and your wife like him to see him together then keep him, it's not always easy to find someone you click with.


Keep reading on here - there are people who know how you feel and are going through the same kind of pain. Let us know how things work out and how you are doing.

Take care.
 
Hi Bernie... get a new therapist, because if they are telling you that you have PTSD due to cheating, their an idiot. Sorry... bluntness. You cannot get PTSD from cheating / cheating partner, it doesn't even make it past the first two diagnostic criteria to continue.

It is however very normal to have some posttraumatic stress due to such things, ie. basic symptoms, but that is not PTSD.

If there is something prior to this though, something traumatic from previous in your life, then that changes everything. Is there? Or is this all based on cheating?

Either way... even if the lesser, that is a good thing and psychotherapy will do just fine, any form... talk, etc, to help you process what you have deemed slightly traumatic to you individually.
 
Thanks for all the feed back, over the two years of this hell I've done a lot of talking and reading. Going thru my symptoms brought me to PTSD on quite a few different times. Reading PTSD symtoms is like reading what I'm dealing with to a T. I've got a dr appt tommorrow with my medical doctor to get his opinion on the matters.
If you google PTSD caused by infidelity you'd be surprised at hiw much material comes up.
Any I do hope the diagnosses is just some bad ass panic attacks that I can eventslly deal with.
I think that my symptoms really jumped out at my newest therapist and so he told me what he was thinking
I'm pretty skeptical but I do have some thing going on in my brain that's physically killing me and is so random and happens out of the blue it's scary
 
If you google PTSD caused by infidelity you'd be surprised at hiw much material comes up.
Any I do hope the diagnosses is just some bad ass panic attacks that I can eventslly deal with.

Google isn't always your 'friend'. There is plenty of rubbish written all over the www. We all have to be very selective about what we believe.

There are several other 'anxiety disorders', which have similar symptoms to PTSD. But the first criteria in the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria is a vital part of a PTSD diagnosis, that can't just be skipped over. Hopefully you've had chance to read [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/what-is-traumatic-enough-for-ptsd.13846/"]"What is Traumatic Enough For PTSD"[/DLMURL], and can see why cheating/ being cheated on doesn't fit in the criteria.

I'm sure there is still a lot of information here that you could gain from. Maybe use the search facility (top right), to search for information and help on panic attacks. Hope your appointment goes well, and you find a way to overcome your panic and other symptoms.
 
I can show you 10 studies right of the top of my head where each one claims they have stopped PTSD 80%+, and then upon reading the entry criteria, people only just suffered trauma within the past few months, the trauma was of a minor nature, some not even fitting the diagnostic criterion of PTSD, etc etc. Basically, they hand pick people that will present good results. Reality is a far different playing field though.

There are physicians diagnosing DID from their own criterion, disregarding DSM actual criterion. There are seriously a lot of thieves around who are handing out diagnosis, often who don't have the authority to diagnose, aka: therapist, in order to get business... and funnily enough, it only seems to be occurring within North America predominantly. Hmmm... country in recession... fake diagnosis equals business... mass diagnosis episodes coming out of the US.
 
The possibility of Traumatic Stress is there berni, but that is as far as it goes. Still not in the PTSD diagnostic criteria though

This again is something which you can get past and over, once you have dealt with what ever is causing it. If you started out on your own, within 2 years you would be back to your old self with no lasting issues, in other words a complete cure.

Even if the affairs continued and you stayed it would never get worse than that, it would always feel stressful, but never a reason for a PTSD diagnosis.
 
Well it's been almost 2 months since initial diagnosis. Been to 2 phd doc of psych and tested
Both agree with the PTSD diagnosis. I'm taking 20 mg of lexapro a day now and getting weeky therapy
Anyway things still suck but they are much more bareable.
The PTSD specialist told me she had 3 patients last year with PTSD from affair related issues
She said it's not common but some peoples brain take it much harder than most and can suffer from PTSD as a result
 
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