Not new to this site, just unable to overcome the wall that has prevented me from joining or posting until now. I was a strong-willed, independent woman before all this happened and hate the fact that it's taken me over a year to find the courage to post this message today. I know reaching out and connecting with others is a critical step in my healing so here I go!
I am inspired by your willingness to let your own personal vulnerabilities be shown and am grateful for the hundreds of stories that have helped me make some sense of my own crazy trauma journey. I worked in the healthcare field for over 30 years and consider myself a well-rounded clinician, yet not once this entire time do I recall hearing about the impact of trauma, outside of my superficial knowledge of PTSD among military personnel. I am heartboken that this information has not been widely disseminated and integrated into our care systems and processes. It's my prayer and hope that someday I'll recover enough to do something about this.
My PTSD is predominantly the result of workplace bullying and betrayal that occurred at the senior executive level of a hospital healthcare system in 2012. I expressed concerns to my supervisor about patient care, the public humiliation of a nurse manager, and the way I was being treated. Had a few days off after this conversation and was terminated upon my return to work the following week. There was of course much that lead up to this point and in the course of problem solving I had turned to the senior VP in charge of human resources for guidance. And yup, he was my supervisor's puppet and helped her walk me out the door.
I'd worked in hospital management for 20 years and survived some majorly hostile and toxic environments so expected to be able to get back up on my feet after the dust settled, but that didn't end up happening this time. Instead I slowly descended into this hell and have been trying to find my way out since. I started seeing a therapist in 2013 who provided the validation and grounding I needed at the time, but ultimately lacked the skills to manage my condition, so I transitioned to a clinical psychologist a few months ago. So far she seems competent in trauma and I'm beginning to work on processing with her.
I use intellectualizing as one of my coping strategies (when my brain allows it) so have digested many books and research articles on trauma and PTSD. I am particularly interested in somatic/ body symptoms because that's mainly what I have been struggling with and have been blessed with the opportunity to hear Peter Levine present his somatic experiencing model. I'm a nurse by training and hope I can offer a helpful perspective to others on this site.
I know this has already been long, but there's one more thing I have to face, which is the impact childhood trauma has had on my condition. Before this I did not believe it was possible to bury childhood memories. Part of my brain still wants to deny it, but somewhere along the way I "forgot" that I had PTSD in early childhood. Never got help for whatever happened at 4-5 years old, which is still pretty blocked, but the aftereffects haunted me so much that I blocked that out too. I realized in 2013, at the age of 52, that my mind had erased and edited my childhood. I "reinvented" myself because my PTSD symptoms defined my self image and I hated that weak little girl I thought I was.
So, I've become a pro at disassociating and denial, which has served me well during times of crisis and in my career as a nurse, but has left me with a body riddled with trapped and awakened memories that need to be processed and released.
I'm unable to work and thus focus my energies on caring for others (outside my husband and 2 teen daughters) which has been my primary coping strategy in life. The majority of my friendships and social supports have also been intertwined with my work persona, so it's been devastating to lose these connections as well. I'm the key breadwinner in our family and my husband has also been out of work until recently, so not being able to get well adds to my guilt and sense of shame and embarrassment. The rational, self-compassionate part of my being knows these feelings are unfounded, but so far I have not been able to release them from my body.
I have a deep spiritual faith which has supported and guided me on this journey, but it's still a hell on earth and I have great compassion and respect for those who have traveled or are still on this path.
I am inspired by your willingness to let your own personal vulnerabilities be shown and am grateful for the hundreds of stories that have helped me make some sense of my own crazy trauma journey. I worked in the healthcare field for over 30 years and consider myself a well-rounded clinician, yet not once this entire time do I recall hearing about the impact of trauma, outside of my superficial knowledge of PTSD among military personnel. I am heartboken that this information has not been widely disseminated and integrated into our care systems and processes. It's my prayer and hope that someday I'll recover enough to do something about this.
My PTSD is predominantly the result of workplace bullying and betrayal that occurred at the senior executive level of a hospital healthcare system in 2012. I expressed concerns to my supervisor about patient care, the public humiliation of a nurse manager, and the way I was being treated. Had a few days off after this conversation and was terminated upon my return to work the following week. There was of course much that lead up to this point and in the course of problem solving I had turned to the senior VP in charge of human resources for guidance. And yup, he was my supervisor's puppet and helped her walk me out the door.
I'd worked in hospital management for 20 years and survived some majorly hostile and toxic environments so expected to be able to get back up on my feet after the dust settled, but that didn't end up happening this time. Instead I slowly descended into this hell and have been trying to find my way out since. I started seeing a therapist in 2013 who provided the validation and grounding I needed at the time, but ultimately lacked the skills to manage my condition, so I transitioned to a clinical psychologist a few months ago. So far she seems competent in trauma and I'm beginning to work on processing with her.
I use intellectualizing as one of my coping strategies (when my brain allows it) so have digested many books and research articles on trauma and PTSD. I am particularly interested in somatic/ body symptoms because that's mainly what I have been struggling with and have been blessed with the opportunity to hear Peter Levine present his somatic experiencing model. I'm a nurse by training and hope I can offer a helpful perspective to others on this site.
I know this has already been long, but there's one more thing I have to face, which is the impact childhood trauma has had on my condition. Before this I did not believe it was possible to bury childhood memories. Part of my brain still wants to deny it, but somewhere along the way I "forgot" that I had PTSD in early childhood. Never got help for whatever happened at 4-5 years old, which is still pretty blocked, but the aftereffects haunted me so much that I blocked that out too. I realized in 2013, at the age of 52, that my mind had erased and edited my childhood. I "reinvented" myself because my PTSD symptoms defined my self image and I hated that weak little girl I thought I was.
So, I've become a pro at disassociating and denial, which has served me well during times of crisis and in my career as a nurse, but has left me with a body riddled with trapped and awakened memories that need to be processed and released.
I'm unable to work and thus focus my energies on caring for others (outside my husband and 2 teen daughters) which has been my primary coping strategy in life. The majority of my friendships and social supports have also been intertwined with my work persona, so it's been devastating to lose these connections as well. I'm the key breadwinner in our family and my husband has also been out of work until recently, so not being able to get well adds to my guilt and sense of shame and embarrassment. The rational, self-compassionate part of my being knows these feelings are unfounded, but so far I have not been able to release them from my body.
I have a deep spiritual faith which has supported and guided me on this journey, but it's still a hell on earth and I have great compassion and respect for those who have traveled or are still on this path.