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Sufferer Ptsd From Workplace Abuse

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SabrinaB

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Not new to this site, just unable to overcome the wall that has prevented me from joining or posting until now. I was a strong-willed, independent woman before all this happened and hate the fact that it's taken me over a year to find the courage to post this message today. I know reaching out and connecting with others is a critical step in my healing so here I go!

I am inspired by your willingness to let your own personal vulnerabilities be shown and am grateful for the hundreds of stories that have helped me make some sense of my own crazy trauma journey. I worked in the healthcare field for over 30 years and consider myself a well-rounded clinician, yet not once this entire time do I recall hearing about the impact of trauma, outside of my superficial knowledge of PTSD among military personnel. I am heartboken that this information has not been widely disseminated and integrated into our care systems and processes. It's my prayer and hope that someday I'll recover enough to do something about this.

My PTSD is predominantly the result of workplace bullying and betrayal that occurred at the senior executive level of a hospital healthcare system in 2012. I expressed concerns to my supervisor about patient care, the public humiliation of a nurse manager, and the way I was being treated. Had a few days off after this conversation and was terminated upon my return to work the following week. There was of course much that lead up to this point and in the course of problem solving I had turned to the senior VP in charge of human resources for guidance. And yup, he was my supervisor's puppet and helped her walk me out the door.

I'd worked in hospital management for 20 years and survived some majorly hostile and toxic environments so expected to be able to get back up on my feet after the dust settled, but that didn't end up happening this time. Instead I slowly descended into this hell and have been trying to find my way out since. I started seeing a therapist in 2013 who provided the validation and grounding I needed at the time, but ultimately lacked the skills to manage my condition, so I transitioned to a clinical psychologist a few months ago. So far she seems competent in trauma and I'm beginning to work on processing with her.

I use intellectualizing as one of my coping strategies (when my brain allows it) so have digested many books and research articles on trauma and PTSD. I am particularly interested in somatic/ body symptoms because that's mainly what I have been struggling with and have been blessed with the opportunity to hear Peter Levine present his somatic experiencing model. I'm a nurse by training and hope I can offer a helpful perspective to others on this site.

I know this has already been long, but there's one more thing I have to face, which is the impact childhood trauma has had on my condition. Before this I did not believe it was possible to bury childhood memories. Part of my brain still wants to deny it, but somewhere along the way I "forgot" that I had PTSD in early childhood. Never got help for whatever happened at 4-5 years old, which is still pretty blocked, but the aftereffects haunted me so much that I blocked that out too. I realized in 2013, at the age of 52, that my mind had erased and edited my childhood. I "reinvented" myself because my PTSD symptoms defined my self image and I hated that weak little girl I thought I was.

So, I've become a pro at disassociating and denial, which has served me well during times of crisis and in my career as a nurse, but has left me with a body riddled with trapped and awakened memories that need to be processed and released.

I'm unable to work and thus focus my energies on caring for others (outside my husband and 2 teen daughters) which has been my primary coping strategy in life. The majority of my friendships and social supports have also been intertwined with my work persona, so it's been devastating to lose these connections as well. I'm the key breadwinner in our family and my husband has also been out of work until recently, so not being able to get well adds to my guilt and sense of shame and embarrassment. The rational, self-compassionate part of my being knows these feelings are unfounded, but so far I have not been able to release them from my body.

I have a deep spiritual faith which has supported and guided me on this journey, but it's still a hell on earth and I have great compassion and respect for those who have traveled or are still on this path.
 
Welcome to the forum!

I worked in the healthcare field for over 30 years and consider myself a well-rounded clinician, yet not once this entire time do I recall hearing about the impact of trauma, outside of my superficial knowledge of Link Removed among military personnel. I am heartboken that this information has not been widely disseminated and integrated into our care systems and processes. It's my prayer and hope that someday I'll recover enough to do something about this.
I believe trauma (and the resulting development of PTSD) in the healthcare setting is hugely underestimated in so many ways. The lack of awareness and the amount of denial (this happens to those I help, but not me) is tremendously damaging to clinicians and their patients. I hope to be a part of the changing it one day myself. It's time for a culture shift.

Glad you are here!
 
Hi and welcome! (Even though you've been here awhile now, lol)

I am a bit sad to hear that there are those in the medical community who don't know about PTSD. (I'm not saying this against you, so please don't take it that way.) Rather, PTSD is a condition that many of us hide out of necessity. Most doctors wouldn't even know that I have it unless I told them because the sense of shame is so great that it is something I tend to keep private from everybody. I think there is a large percentage of people out there who have been traumatized and deal with the effects, but we just keep quiet as the prevailing notion held by society in general is to just "get over it". I have well meaning people in my life who try to help but end up being not so helpful along the way....so if they don't get it, I don't have much of a chance of getting anyone else to understand it, either.
 
Hey Sabrina, take credit for posting that's a HUGE step. I know how that goes it took me forever to sign up then a while to post. Then afterwards I had a panic attack and got sick. I'm sorry for you troubles and know you can say anything you need to and you'll get tons of support I know I've had plenty from my measly two posts from great understanding people. You're awesome!
 
Welcome! You'll find good folks here overall. There are also a few (including me) who are about your age, have somatic stuff, and have "recovered" memory. You're not alone with this. I'm so glad you found the courage to post!
 
Hi Sabrina, welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. It's a shame what has happened to the "health"care industry. My best friend is a doctor and has had many similar experiences. Anyway, you are in the right place.
 
Welcome to the forum. Just before I read your post, the idea of Truth struck me as important to recovery of a sense of self and connection to something profound that is missing from a traumatized life unless recovered and kept as sacred.

Like you, I buried my childhood self, thinking the truth of her was put underneath my feet; perhaps the truth was safer there for a time. My culture taught me that truth didn't matter and was not powerful. Rather, people held power and they didn't use the truth to get it. My family sounds like your workplace, and every group of people I have found. Only the man who baptized me was bold enough to tell the truth, and he was hurt over and over again because people don't value it. People are divided into categories and work themselves through hierarchies. Where is the truth in our social ways? We tell children to tell the truth, but when they grow up, they soon learn that everyone lies and that lying is necessary to survive.

Like you, I worked hard to move up a career ladder and support a family with two children. Looking around, I see very little truth to be found, and I feel a lack of connection to people because I don't find many interested looking for it and I don't feel safe aroundn people who don't value it.

Betrayal is my trauma. Betrayal for me is living out a lie in such as way as to damage another person when one was in a position to help.

To illustrate a point I can't explicate, a story:

My grandmother lived on the outskirts of the Suquamish reservation in Poulsbo, WA in a new double-wide that my grandfather bought for her as he lay dying of cancer in the 1980s. The home was situated in a three acre bit of land covered in old growth trees and a pond; across the road was the ridge upon which you can look across the bay to the Seattle cityscape shining in the distance.

It was quiet there. At night, crickets were heard and the wind through the trees, and that is all. If a car drove up her long, soft driveway of pine needles, the hum of its motor could be heard long before it appeared.

But at night, when I went to bed, the sound of drums way off in the distance beat. They were regular and even, intense, yet calming drum beats on native drums. I wondered if there was a Pow Wow and what that would be like. I wondered if people were dancing, if they had a fire. These thoughts made me restless. I was a white person, and I knew little about the native people on the reservation.

One night, I could not sleep with the drums beating, so I put on my robe and joined my grandmother who was sitting up knitting. I asked her about the drums, and she said she didn't hear anything and never heard any drums in the years she'd lived there. Nobody else heard them.

Whether people could hear the truth, or experience it, or understand it depended on the person. But the truth rests in itself and where it belongs.

The truth about my buried childhood was found in the dark night also, in my dreams that kept coming back, regular as the beat of drums, regular as my heart beat. Truth didn't knock me down but kept me awake in spirit. Recovering is listening to the truth and not allowing my fears to keep me from seeking the Truths in life, and listening when I hear it in others.

Welcome to this forum.
 
survived some majorly hostile and toxic environments so expected to be able to get back up on my feet after the dust settled, but that didn't end up happening this time.
Like a cat with 9 lives. Hard not to get used to always landing on our feet.

I honour you for standing up for what you believe in. Welcome. I hope you can find peace here.
 
Sorry for what you've been through. I had a boss threaten to fire me...she was looking for anything, like my being late, whatever. She wrote me up for something ridiculous and the union warned me that the only real threat was that she had a problem with me. I advocated for others too much and questioned her bad ideas. Anyway, I had been super confident in my work, then suddenly felt a fog all around me at work...sucked all the joy and creativity out of my work. That boss is long gone and things are better. But for me, that stress unraveled everything. I have earlier trauma that I hadn't known how to resolve, but this stress put me over the edge. I really loved my work and it felt like all I had.

Anyway, my health started falling apart in all directions (pain, panic, heart problems, weight problems...I was just sick all the time). I ended up doing some research, much like you, and found a therapist who sounded like a good fit for my symptoms and concerns. She focused on Somatic Experiencing and other body-focused trauma approaches. Since then we have gone back over past traumas (and for me the worst and most complicated to work with are also early childhood). I don't think I thought they didn't effect me...I more buried them because I didn't believe there was a way to do anything about them. But I do feel differently. The somatic focus feels hopeful for me.

Wishing you luck on your journey and welcome..
 
@Muse when I was a child I used to hear steady rhythmic drums too, and it was always while I was laying in my bed at night. After my brother was sent away I used to hide when the DV was happening. Sometimes it would happen in the middle of the night and I'd wake up wishing the drums would drown out the sounds of the blows. As I got older, sometime around the age of 9 or 10 I realized that it was my heartbeat pounding hard and I thought it was drumming coming from the neighbors apartment.

@SabrinaB
so not being able to get well adds to my guilt and sense of shame and embarrassment. The rational, self-compassionate part of my being knows these feelings are unfounded, but so far I have not been able to release them from my body.

There is so much that I feel I want to say, and I may have to come back and say it after I process some more. Thank you for sharing so bravely. I can relate to this. I struggle with shame, embarassment, and guilt for not being able to work and contribute, even though my husband can take care of us fine without my help.

One of my sisters just got her BSN and she passed her state boards and just barely began working, yet she's already showing signs of disillusionment for the healthcare industry. It isn't you.

Thank you again for sharing, your words were a comfort in many ways.
 
@Lewa thank you. There is beauty in every word you write. Somehow you just made the drums experience okay, even though it's still a mystery to me. I felt something let go in reading your post. I expect it'll be clearer as it processes through.

And I like the part you quoted from SabrinaB's post. Like SabrinaB, as much recovery as I work: shame is my boomerang.
 
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