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Ptsd Got Triggered Right Before My First Day At Hard New Job

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SarahAlexa

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Hi, everyone. I'd really like some support and/or advice.The day before I started a brand new, difficult job, a traumatizing event happened to me and I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with life right now. I know this is long but please bear with me.

Here's some background
:I'm 18 now but I was first diagnosed with complex PTSD caused by childhood abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) when I was 14. It was really severe. Panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, severe avoidance, depression and anxiety ruled me. I couldn't focus on school, be around strangers, or be left alone.

After a few months of therapy and medication, I started to function like a normal person. I was able to get off medication and start my own path of personal growth.

But in ages 14/15, I had a few experiences with being used sexually, being groped while I was asleep, being pressured after saying no several times until I agreed etc which also triggered my PTSD.

Anyway, over the next three years, I recovered so much it's crazy. I learned how to have a healthy happy relationship (which I've been in for over two years now. Honest, transparent, communicative, loving, interdependent. Yay!!!). PTSD problems didn't affect me anymore. My mind was clear, I felt strong, capable, smart, healthy, so high functioning. I felt free of my past.

Until, last week. I was doing some modeling with a guy from CL. His post wasn't sexual, and on the first day of shooting my SO came with me and he seemed nice. He talked about his girlfriend a lot and was very charming. We arranged for me to come back to finish our photos our next day by myself. I had a weird gut feeling, honestly. But I ignored it with thoughts like "well, I don't want to pre-judge him", "I'm sure it will be alright", "He didn't do anything that was specifically creepy", "I don't want to be sexist"

The next day after our photos were taken (they were underwater at the springs so it was damn cold because this is January), I was going to take a shower in the bathhouse to get warmed up and he asked to go in with me and take photos of me naked. I said no several times, about five times but he kept asking. It ended on a no and I went to take a shower. He came into the bathhouse with his camera and asked to do it for money. I eventually agreed because he was already there (obviously I'm super susceptible to being pressured. It makes me feel four and raped again) and I was super desperate for money (I had been unemployed for weeks and needed the money to eat). So it happened. I hated it. I felt so small.

I went home and told my SO, and after some digging we found out he was a convicted child molester (he gave me his last name as his first so it was super hard to find) and that made me feel incredibly gross but a little more validated. His charges were for coercing 9 minor girls and I can testify he's really good at making you technically agree to stuff you don't want to do.

That triggered some serious stuff. That was the day before my first day at a brand new job that is super detail-orientated, involves multitasking, and intense focus from 9 -5 M - F. This is the most serious, high paying job I've ever had and before what happened i was more than ready to take it on.

Now, I'm not so sure. I feel like my mental capacity has been cut in half. On my first day of training, (which was on friday) I kept having flashbacks while technical stuff was explained to me and I had to keep refocusing my attention on what was being said. I missed half of the stuff said to me. Concentrating is so, so difficult. Things that would've come to me super easy took 5x as much effort.

I'm so depressed. I've been crying every day (when I'm not at work, I have to hide it at work). I'm really sensitive to stress right now. Today I almost started bawling because I couldn't remember what to say on a corporate phone call even though it was explained to me several times. A week ago I would've gotten it so quickly. I've lost all ability to think on my feet. I'm spending half the time fighting flashbacks. Little things (like being misheard, having a song glitch etc) make me FURIOUS. I've been snapping at my SO and I feel so guilty, he doesn't deserve it. I feel like my throat has closed up and I've lost all ability to communicate. Which sucks because I have to make phone calls all day.

I feel like I'm 14 again unable to perform at school.

On top of this, I got a UTI and seriously almost fainted over the weekend so instead of focusing on emotional processing, i was dealing with that and had to come into work late one day. I feel like i still have to make up for that.

I have to prove myself and my abilities to these people. I NEED this job. I worked so f*cking hard to get it and I'm so broke. I need to provide for my family. I'm afraid if I explain what's going on, they'll get someone else who isn't damaged. I'm scared they're going to fire me. I'm doing my best but I don't know if it's good enough. I don't have any insurance so I can't go to therapy or else I'd already be there.I feel so dumb. I want to be me again.

I don't know what to do. i just want to listen to elliott smith, cry forever and never leave my bed.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum. I read your post and I can relate to with avoiding work. If you are becoming very distressed tell your boss you are in a personal or family emergency if you want to keep the details private.
As for the guy I would strongly suggest that you report it. If you feel guilty remember he kept pressuring you till you gave in, in my state that would be considered sexual harassment.
 
I think you need to be honest with your work and maybe take time off to deal with this. I don't see this as simply you being taken advantage of, I see this as you letting yourself be taken advantage of for some reason. (I've had almost the same thing happen to me -- when i was about 18 it was the exact same scenario, and I let it happen because I didn't know how to say no and I felt like I was somehow to blame for him getting the wrong signals - only later did I realize he was just a really really skilled predator and he know exactly who to prey on) Anyway, in my case, it screwed me up so much more to just ignore the incident. I didn't deal with it at the time and it caused so many more problems. At the very least, I think you should talk to a therapist about this intensively, devote a lot of time to examining why you ignored your instincts, why you let yourself be pressured, etc. I don't know your history, so I may be way off, but a lot of women who were sexually abused have a way of self-harming by letting themselves be re-victimized, as a form of self-punishment. Could that be what is happening here? I don't know if you, like many other abuse victims, start to feel unworthy when something good happens to you (i.e. the new job), but from where I am sitting it seems entirely possible that deep down you were scared of the new job and felt like you didn't deserve it, and on some subconscious level that is why you let this happen. I may be way off, and if so, I apologize. I just think there is more to this than you are letting on. You were doing well for so long and everything sounded so good, and then bam! another trauma. That is how my life has been, but I know for myself that at least some of the time, the traumas have been a form of self-sabotage. So, just a thought, something to consider. But please do spend some time talking to someone about this, someone other than your SO. It's not something that should be ignored.
 
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