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Relationship Ptsd Marine

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Destiny86

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My bf was just recently diagnosed with ptsd. I have recognized the signs and told him he should get some help for 2 years and FINALLY us getting pregnant made him want to get help. I was beyond relieved and thrilled when the dr immediately prescribed him the lowest dosage of meds/antidepressant. Within 3 weeks of taking them I saw a change in him. A wonderful change. Since being on the meds (6 weeks) he hasn't had any serious meltdowns/anger issues. It has been so calm and peaceful in our home.

Tonight, we were at dinner with my best friend and he and her got into an argument. It crushed me, I was put in the middle and she ended up having a friend come pick her up from the restaurant. He continued the argument as we left and got home. He went on telling me that he has absolutely no emotions. He sees me as any other female. And all of the sudden, as of tonight, he doesn't want kids anymore. I'm so confused, lost! We lost our pregnancy. And since we have been desperately trying again. I just need support, help, ideas, answers. Anything. I don't understand how he can go from being this amazing person to me for 2+ years (minimal arguing) to this. He said so many hurtful things tonight. And in between everything being discussed, he would lighten the mood, kiss me, hug me, smile. And then when I would shed a tear he would go off again. I'm angry for putting up with him and letting him tell me the things he did, knowing that in the morning he will say sorry and everything will be fine. What do I do? Is this normal PTSD behavior? Do you just deal and take all that I said with a grain of salt?? Help :(
 
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Sadly, this is normal. Violent mood swings are one of the major symptoms. For me they are very shameful, like I am watching myself in a movie. It's very painful for him, trust me. The best thing to do in my opinion, with a guy that's had it half his life, is to try and be and supportive as possible.
 
And meds aren't the answer. They stabilize some of the symptoms, but that's it. PTSD is permanent. He needs therapy as well. Two treatments, or both. Either EMDR or CBT. Or both. Depending on the person, it might not be wise to do both at the same time. I said the hell with it, since I've been suffering since I was 14. I'm 32 now.

The good news is, in my opinion, and none of this is a medical opinion of course, I'm not a doctor lol, is that the therapy definitely helps. There is no "cure" for PTSD just like there is no cure for being bipolar. I'm sure he feels completely worthless and a failure to you every time he hurts your feelings, he might not feel it right away, obviously something your girlfriend said set him off. Nothing against her, but when people with our thing feel attacked, they go into survival mode, usually verbal, rarely violent. Trust me, I've ruined it with many a girl in the same way.
 
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And one last note, the emotions thing. Sadly I can't feel emotions unless I drink. That's why I've been an alcoholic half my life. There are ways to help with that as well. My only problem is my PTSD occurred when I was a child, my brain was still forming. It's part of who I am. Sometimes I think I'm jealous of people who get diagnosed so early, rather than 15 years later, as sick as it sounds. He needs help now. Thanks for reading, and sorry I spammed your post.
 
Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I appreciate everything you said and take it all to heart. I feel more relieved the more I read and understand what he is going through and what I can do to help him. Good luck with everything and Merry Christmas! God bless.
 
Yep. Very normal. Especially in the wake of a whole lot of stress.

Holidays
Adjusting to new medication
Loss of a pregnancy
Trying to get pregnant
Public dinner with anyone
Fight in public
Partner being in distress

Any of those would be enough to rate a meltdown, much less all of them. And those are just what you've shared. Sounds like his stress cup is seriously overflowing.
 
I agree. We've had a crazy long year. I'm so thankful he has reached out finally to get on some meds. I know in the short amount of time he's been on them, he's already feeling better. But def not where he wants to be yet. I try my best to keep my cool, especially like last night's situation. I'm always the calm patient collected one in the relationship and all of our friends say that's why we balance each other so well. I feel so much better knowing there's way more people out there feeling the same way as he must feel. And that there's many spouses dealing with trying to be there for him like I am. I just want to help him so much, and I know we will overcome. I just need to educate myself as much as possible about how to handle the situation and how to guide him to the right help. Thanks for your input.
 
Pardon my French, but...oooiiii, that sucks.
Sorry you have to go through this, @Staci but yeah, it's normal. Everyone reacts differently to stress, and new, better ways to cope CAN be learned, but it takes a lot (and I mean a LOT) of time.
My vet exploded a month and a half ago and still hasn't come back down. Like so many others, though, he chose to isolate rather than fight, something neither I nor my own PTSD are all that good at handling, seeing as I'm a bit of a confrontational cow myself, especially when stressed. :oops:
Not trying to make this about me here, just mentioning it because I AM learning to understand him, even while he's away, and I AM working on getting a proper grip on myself rather than just whipping out the big guns and firing into the crowd no matter who gets hit any time I feel the pressure.

I'm not moving down that road anywhere near as fast as I'd like to - which is frustrating, which only makes things even worse.
I've been your guy more than once. I've pushed and shoved and spat hurtful things at the people I love over and over again, regretting them even while they were still coming out of my mouth, but unable to just clamp down and keep them in.

Part of it probably is that feeling of being "broken" or "flawed" - give them a reason to dump you and get what you deserve. You unfortunately end up on the receiving end because he cannot beat himself up any more than he already does, and too much stressful stuff happening at once seriously damages the filters between (the panicking) brain and mouth, too. That's my best guess, anyway, because that's what I see in myself.

"Good" news is - it CAN get better, with a lot of work, dedication and patience...from his side as well as from yours.
Whether he's willing to try and you're able to take his verbal smackdowns until he learns to get a grip, all without losing yourself in the process (because you need to remember that, no matter what, the most important person in your life is YOU!) - well, no one can make that decision but the two of you.

I hope you get this worked out, though, I really do. The world needs more happy endings.
Give him time, give yourself time, and please try to have the happiest holidays possible anyway.
 
Thanks so much for the kind words. It is a daily work in progress. I know patience is key and I will forever work to see him handle situations better and be happy with himself. When he gets irritated he comes out with his marine mentality, he's better than anyone, no one can talk above him, he's fought for our freedom and how dare anyone talk over him, even if the person talking is just trying to make a good point as being my best friend last night. The argument was such a petty issue but the fact that she "overstepped" her boundaries when she wouldn't stop talking to him about the topic is what pissed him off more and then the hurtful mean words flew out at her. I knew it was coming. I was just sitting there thinking, she better shut her mouth before he goes off. And of course he went off on her. And she felt very attacked. I'm used to it, I know how to deal with him, and I know when to shut my mouth to avoid the hurtful words that he can't control and then he feels terrible after. This morning after everything last night, he woke up so calmly and hugged and kissed me for about an hour not saying a word. He's ready for a new good day. It kills me that he struggles with this and it hurts even more that the ones I care most about just don't understand his actions and words like I do. I know it's not him. It's ptsd. And I accept that. But trying to explain that to others is very difficult. I know with God by our side we will overcome this. Thanks again for all of the comments. Have a blessed holiday!
 
Sad to say, it is him, it will always be him. All you need to do is be there for him, talk to him. As a veteran, he's probably more comfortable around his buddies, but he really wants to talk to you. He's probably to ashamed to.
When he ticks, the best thing to do is calm him down, because every little thing will make him angry. I sometimes want a cop to pull me over on my bad days, because I'm looking for an easy fight. It's terrible.
 
@Destiny86 - as the child of a combat vet with PTSD please think long and hard before you bring a child into this situation. Babies are SO incredibly stressful.

Best wishes!
 
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