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PTSD Means Always Learning

Discussion in 'General' started by permban0077, Oct 31, 2007.

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  1. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Well, I had things gain too much momentum that we were headed to hospital time again tonight. So enter the damn drugs. But coming to a calmer point (I did not take enough to knock all symptoms out this time, just enough to slow down and gather my thoughts a little).

    It dawned on me one reason (beyond overwhelmed) I am having such issues is new symptoms that I guess I could not gather well enough on my own until now is a major contributor. I have found when they gain momentum I will suddenly feel all out shit faced drunk. Slur, stumble, puke and the whole 9 yards without a drop of alcohol ever being near me. Like someone just lined up a bar of shots and I just downed 10.

    Took the meds when the "drunk" feeling came on real hard and I started the freaking out phase (I had anxiety attacks all day per the last two weeks). Once I got the pill in it was before the stumbling and the rest. After the pill the slurring started. Then came the falling into walls. Shortly that all cleared up when meds kicked in and got it back in hand before the puking.

    So I guess this means I get to "relearn" with my new symptoms of attacks. I noticed a pattern though. I always get something new and improved. I have to go back to square one and do it all over. Last time was the choking on my tongue and loss of swallow reflex, luckily that one clicked fast and was quick to work on it. I still get all the run of the mill symptoms with it but my mind seems to act like "OK, this is not scaring the living shit out of her anymore so what can we add?"

    At least I am recognizing it. Took long enough but I got the tools and time to get to work... Again.

    Anyone else get the body and mind pulling new tricks out of the bag once you feel you are back in control? I swear eventually these new tricks have got to run out.
     
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Yes, veiled, unfortunate for me, I understood every symptomatic word I just read in your above post. And, yes new symptom, new trick, ......most definately. I have been Regularly gagging and puking my guts out lately, suddenly and in addition to just recently having been back in control. And, perhaps with other far more subtler symptoms, but I'm yet to stop gagging and choking as if I'm suffocating from a lack of air, long enough and among other things, to have had the time to determine this. And, then there is of course my sudden interruption of anger and rage in which I felt this morning. I haven't felt this is a long, long, time. I had felt somewhat proud of myself for this, and actually thought maybe I don't ever have to feel that way again. What a disappointment that was after having felt back in control of this and so much more.

    And, as for the symptoms you mentioned about slurring, stumbling and falling into walls, I've yet to re-experience those symptoms recently in this round, and hope I don't. OMG, I know what that is like too. I've lived there, been there, done that and it can be absolutely awful.

    Veiled, in my current state of mind, I don't know what to say to be helpful to you. So as unhelpful as this is, I guess in addition to always learning with PTSD, we get to always learn more at a deeper and deeper level of acceptance.

    I'm sorry, you're so very ill now, and Veiled I do hope that both you and I get to be and feel much better again soon, and reclaim our mind/ body self-control.

    ((A Hug)) if you'll accept one.


    Hope
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hope, thanks for the hug and getting it.

    It is not like this is a totally new symptom but how it comes on. I have felt "buzzed" and sick for 2 weeks now pretty much nonstop so I can't really use it as a cue it is coming. If my attacks would get out of hand before with the other symptoms then I would get the high feeling and slur, stumbling, and puke. Key was getting it in check before that had a chance. Now though I am getting the latter first if that makes sense. I just go into the "attack drunkenness" out of the gate and it is everything my hubs and I can do to get the med in fast enough to shut it down as I have never been able to avoid hospital trips when it got to that point.

    I have already given up on tonight and will likely take meds before it even hits. The door bell will be ringing and the dog barking and I am covered in hives already and I haven't even began to dress up lil' one. I am mad I miss out on her treating. Before someone would follow with a vid and I would see it when she was done. No vid anymore so I will really be missing out this year. But it is better than me killing someone who tries to jump out of bushes to startle me huh?

    I cannot use my trusty CBT tools much when like this. So I have to go the other scary route. Go into it and "let it kill me". I have to give up the fight and "die". I have to totally give up and in. I did this what seems like ages ago and it would get things back in check enough to use CBT tools. Just now I have to do it while not under doctor care as hubs has not set appointments yet and without therapist.

    This is going to be tough as I do truly do turn into a complete raving lunatic when it happens. You get like that and you think a padded room might be nice and cozy quite frankly!

    I best go shower and dress the fairy... Thanks for the support Hope. I hate crashes.
     
  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    And the rage. Right with you on that one. As bec pointed out to me my little PTSD cup is full and I need to let myself decompress now. OK, what takes someone else 10 minutes to decompress from is more like a week or two for me when I overflow. But that is my life. I just had shit build until I "popped". My anger is receding with the rage so I am hoping all the other will too. All I can do is hide in my room when I get like that as it is everything not to rip my poor hubs head off. At least the kids give lots of practice at behaving appropriately. With hubs I am unsure why I lash out, I guess because I am so ready to blow and he knows it and I think would be old enough to know stay away, but he doesn't.
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    You're welcome veiled, and really I do understand. Though it always helps to read others articulate it so well, bc though I've lived it and now re-live and re-experience all these f'n symptoms, I generally don't know up from down in putting any of it into words. And, so too often I deal and cope with whatever the symptom that hits and then try to deny and forget it all as quickly as possibly thereafter, and in order to move on. And, this is mostly how I've lived, with one extended period of repreive from it all, and for all I know tht repreive never really existed and I simply had mastered the art of denial and dissociation. I don't really know veiled, and please forgive me for making little to no understandable sense here.

    But, if I'm going to write or respond in anyway whatsoever, I guess I'm going to have to risk making no damn sense.

    Yes, you most definately make sense. Instant "attack of drunkenness" without previously recognizable symptoms leading up to this extreme. This makes perfect sense to me. These abrupt symptomatic extremes happen to me too. Though I haven't recently had to face it with the symptoms of drunkeness, when there is not even an ounce of liquor or chemicals in our bodies, I did previously experience it this way too. Sudden.....Instant.....and Extreme......Helplessness, and then with me it was always followed with added extreme anxiety, bc I didn't know WTF was happening to me. Errrrrr....It gives, me shiver, just recalling this.

    OMG, veiled I'm so sorry you're living this right now and though your husb. helps in every way possible for him, you must find yourself, in this completely alone sometimes too and with no help in sight. I mean he goes out and is not with you 24/7, I assume.

    And, when you say you have to give up and go into it and just let yourself die, I know what this is. It's awful. It feels simply brutal and feels just like death.

    Nearly, all my comments right now is making me shiver. Really, it is just awful, and I'm so, so sorry veiled that you're going through this right now.

    Yesterday, morning I had quickly escalating anxiety and panic instantly develop into anger and on into rageful feelings after being triggered, and so in the afternoon I gave myself permission to take a dose of medicine in the hopes of turning the day and its events completely around. And, so I thought it worked, bc amazingly my anxiety stopped increasing to dangerous high levels and in fact rapidly declined. And, I thought it worked, bc I stopped gagging and puking and did a couple basic self-care things for myself, like clean up my looks and get something tasty and healthy to eat. Then helped via the med., I took one baby step at a time to get each of my children dressed for halloween and though I was very lucky to get out with my husb. and them trick'o'treating and so forth, I paid dearly this morning. And, so sadly, my kids saw and witnessed it all. I had woken up, started out on what needed to get done, got triggered when my son was going to try and make me do something I knew I didn't want to attempt and couldn't do, and then I sat down and broke out in loud sobbing belly cries and while struggling to breath. My daughter told me afterwards that she thought I was out of breath for good, and wouldn't breath again. She even decided she'd show me and mimicked it. This is so sad to me. I'm very sad, but if I wait until I'm not to respond, then I guess I won't be responding, bc I'm entering into a 3 mo. consecutive trauma anniversary and there is no way around this.

    Also, just yest. I had said, that I haven't experienced the drunken state, when not drunk in sometime, well this morning it followed my crying, panic and breatlessness, but fortunately did not last horribly long.

    I suspect you did the right thing veiled in doing what you could and getting your little one dressed and by not going along trick'or' treating. Really as difficult and painful as I imagine it to have accepted. I think you did exactly the right thing. Somehow, we've got to do what we can and without forcing more than we can do, and allow ourselves to be ill, so that we'll get through it, be well again, and improve and without adding damage.

    Ditto, I've done this too and it seems to work best, but this is also a nice reminder to me as well, because I grew so damn sick of dying like this that my real desire and tendency is to fight and claw my way out if not only via many mastered, elaborate, faulty, defense mechanisms and many of which I'm not even aware.

    There is one that comes to mind that is vital, one that I must immed. own and cut-out my happy horsesh't with bc it is again terribly unacceptable.

    Veiled, You're not alone. Not that this helps any to know this, but I hear you. And, again, ditto......

    --

    So, Veiled, if you were to now completely set aside my above, long-winded, post and simply let us know how you're feeling and doing today, how would that be?

    Another words, How are you today? And, even though I sometimes harshly judge myself as being too long-winded, I simply don't do likewise with others and regardless of the content, so long as it's the real deal.

    And, all bullsh't aside and the real deal is something I've greatly enjoyed and have grown a bit accustomed to when reading your posts.

    Anyhow again and before I keep writing. Long or short, How are you feeling veiled, today? Any better, worse, the same?


    Sincerely, Hope
     
  7. logan

    logan Guest

    I wait and wait that kills me the most
    the wait i just foucs on something else now
    just that happy place and their alot
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Thanks :),

    Yesterday was a lot better. The anger kicked in the afternoon but I know it was stress and I got a bit cleaned focusing my energy that way. But overall very uneventful. It was not until midnight it started going down hill until about 5 AM. Could not sleep. I know the lack of sleep kicks my symptoms into overdrive so I am sure you can add it up. Still did not take my meds even though as I luckily never hit that "drunk" phase and I am just too worn to fight with it. Though it was pretty tempting to induce sleep.

    Hubs called the shrink and has me set up for Monday morning. Hopes of hubs and I are sleeping pills that knock a horse down to try and get my schedule straight and into some sort of routine again. I will look into getting the xanax refilled to have on hand. Because when it comes down to brass tacks and it is a choice of pill from a bottle that cost $20 for the whole bottle or almost $1000 for a hospital bill I will take the pill! Also, she was supposed to set me up with a nutritional expert (to make sure I am not lacking something) who also worked with high recommendations at getting women's hormones in check. So I will be trying to remember to have her set that up even if the lady has a 3 month waiting list!

    Today I am very skittish but keeping my fingers crossed and just keeping curled up with a blanket on the sofa hubs apparently draped over me when he went to work. At least he did not wake me. Little things like that remind me why I love him.

    I probably should be up doing things but the house will be quite for a few more hours and no one is here to mess it up so I think I will stay sitting right here taking in the silence and clean home lol. Then hubs will be home and cook supper. The poor guy has picked up cooking duties until I have my head back on straight. Why can't anniversaries just last a day? ;) I just keep telling myself I have to be at least half way through! I will come around the bend soon.
     
  9. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Good luck on Monday with seeing the doctor. OMG, when you mention sleeping pills that would knock a horse down, I'm reminded of the Chloral Hydrate I had been prescribed in my past. I think that's the name.

    Veiled, I do hope you find proper treatment on Mon. and something reasonable and fitted for you and that will help you sleep and regain that routine you spoke of.

    Please, stick to it with getting that nutritional expert care, too. Also veiled, it sounds good, like you took it easy and took care of yourself today.

    Also, I think bc I don't suffer suicid. tend. the way I use too, that I am able to safely have a bottle of sedat. tucked away, PRN, and that I only will take in a Really Harsh PTSD crisis that would otherwise send me to the hospital.

    It sounds like you are able to do this too.

    Taken only when I absol. need to, and not to prevent suffering, but rather a likely catastrophe, it always and almost immed. works to improve my MH direction. It realigns me in the direction of progress and prevents me from a rapid spiral downward to a most compl. helpless place for me.

    It has really helped me so much to have some PRN medicine at home, just in case of undeniable emerg.'s.

    It's one thing to have a huge damn' hospital bill and actually having received help, but it's quite another to get one of these bills when the visit doesn't help me or simply does the same thing that I could do for myself at home; Spent time, (whether resulting in inpatient or not), spent money and added distress was always the kind of result I got from my ER visits. But, I imagine others have different experiences.

    Hope
     
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  10. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    You know now after so many ER trips I have no clue why people fear inpatient care. Maybe it is lack of insurance or PA like Medicaid. But they show no signs of admitting me. And when I show up it is a long wait puking in their nice little vomit bag around really sick people. Once I am in the shoot me up with all kinds of crap to pull me out of that state and send me on my way with follow up care with my docs. So really home care is a lot easier on me and being injected with basically same crap I have here.

    I only did inpatient once many years ago and was in for a month at a private facility. Byr again I had insurance then!

    I am not happy one bit as tonight I crashed and hubs advised pills. I needed them but I was stalling until it got to be too much and felt the over the edge feeling kicking fast. Up at 3 because of my stupid cat leaping from my bird cage and landing on my stomach while sound asleep. That was not a good wake up call. Instant panic as I thought something was happening/getting me and it was not going to come down. Love panic being what I wake to. Who in the hell can cope with sound asleep to that? So took them again. I am calmer now and hope I can get back to sleep.

    I did notice I am still having nightmares but I am forgetting upon waking. They were fresh in my head but quickly forgotten. I was also in a dream state that a funky cat and my cat were high and joy riding in my car when I was pounced on.

    Hubs said if I take the meds he will let me sleep in provided I have nothing else jumping on me! Cannot believe I am starting to really look forward to going back to the doctor. I stumbled from my room mumbling my goofy cat needs her jumping legs removed.

    Hubs is a bit disappointed with the whole thing as I was doing worlds better and he wants to see this nipped in the bud. I was running my house hold again. He keeps holding on to that glimmer of hope I can stay well longer and longer.

    Pills working so I best go curl back up and try to rest so I am with it for a few more days.

    Hope, thanks this has helped a lot.
     
  11. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Veiled,

    Hope that you are feeling better and this soon passes.
     
  12. dljwhitewolf

    dljwhitewolf Active Member

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    I completely understand, and the worst part is when you are trying to make others understand, and tell them the how's and why's of your ptsd, they go and change on you... and then you have to explain the newest symptoms, sounding more of the freak i truly feel.
    Anyway, I am glad you have a very good hold on yours, and understand after all the dust settles, (like myself), what you actually went thru and most of the whys, that's the toughest part of this journey some call life.
    Bravo, and keep up the good work you are doing, by expanding your journey here, you are helping others that have made that journey, and paving wave for those yet to find their footing, again , bravo,,,,
    White Wolf
     
  13. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Good to see you back around wolf!
     
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