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General PTSD - Relationship Deal Breakers

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Nicolette

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During my time on the forum I have read a lot of sad stories which ended in the demise of a relationship with someone suffering from PTSD. From the sounds of these situations a lot were with sufferers who had unmanaged PTSD....were struggling to live life.

I am interested in knowing what Carers (wives, husbands, girlfriends & boyfriends) would consider a deal breaker in a relationship. Most of what I read here to date has been the relationship ended due to the sufferer saying they needed out.

What I don't often read is what a Carer considers enough....their deal breakers.

To me, abuse is a deal breaker....emotional, verbal and physical. And I am not talking about the argument you had last week and something nasty was said; I am talking about the emotional and verbal abuse that destroys a person's self esteem.

Myself, I have a wonderful relationship with a PTSD sufferer and there are very clear boundaries which were establish at the onset. I wonder if some Carers allow their boundaries to weaken or stretch due to PTSD?

What do you think? :think:
 
Nicolette,

For me deal breakers are abuse, cheating, and lying! How easy it would be to walk away and not look back if any of these occured.

I know my boyfriend doesn't mean to hurt my feelings. That would be the ptsd. In my opinion men with ptsd love more than any other when they are able to show that side of themselves. If I had never seen that love or felt it maybe it would be easier to say enough is enough of the up and down ride.
 
Dr. Ex and I both suffered from severe mental illness. The deal breaker for me was him openly cheating on and humiliating me. That final straw doesn't take away from the fact that we were both mentally abusive with each other throughout the relationship. Intentional abuse with refusal to face responsibility and stop it is grounds for walking papers.
 
Even knowing my exbf had been with another woman the 2 times he tried to get back together with me, I wanted to give us another chance. I was weak when it came to him and I (naively) put all the blame on his PTSD.

But I came to realize that he is a man that had and still has choices to make, regardless of his PTSD, and he chose to betray me and lie.

He never abused me, verbally, emotionally or physically and those would certainly have been deal breakers.

For me it was his cheating and betrayal that were the deal breakers.
 
Hi Nicolette

This was very interesting to read.

My own deal breakers are numerous.

The first being violence towards me. That is a definate no-no.

The second is that he does not now or in the future abuse me in any way shape or form. He did try to use verbal abuse last year when he was drunk 24/7, but was told there and then that if he spoke to me like that ever again i would put him on his a##e. He never did do that again and i never told him what he called me either.

The third is he does not take me for granted. I am his wife not his mother and i will not look after him like a child, unless his ptsd has put him on complete shut down and even then i will only see him through it if he listens and does what he should i.e take his meds, eats whats given to him and listen to advise given.

The forth one is, that if i need time out he excepts it, no if buts or complaints, he just lets me go out, come upstairs to use computer, sewing machine, make phone calls, have an hour in the bath whatever. Because i work full time and look after his appointments, med repeats and all household bills and every thing like that, then i deserve some me time, i did not get that at first the only time i had for myself was going to and from work.

He would never cheat on me so that is not a problem, that is because until he met me he was scared of women due to past treatment from ex wife. We got over that after i told him he could be scared of me when i was scared of him.

I divorced my ex because he cheated and that was without ptsd.

The last deal is that he never drinks again. Because he now understands it could and possibly would kill him. Plus the fact that i would burn his motorbikes and his mate would hold him back while i did it.

And yea he does push his luck sometimes but that's when the reins get pulled back a bit, just so he understands he's beginning to push me, then there are the times he does it just to wind me up and have a laugh at my expense.

All in all i would say that considering his ptsd he treats me rather well, and i am the only one he trusts to sort him out when he has a shut down.

Would i marry him again knowing this was going to happen?
Yes i would. He might be a pain at times but he's my pain and i would not have done the things we have done together before ptsd invaded our lives, like camping trips, motorbike rally's and riding round the TT course on the Isle of Man, that mountain part is scary at speed.

Best wishes and good luck for your wedding.

Amethist
 
Thanks Amethist. I am very excited about the wedding. Not long to go now.

I was weak when it came to him and I (naively) put all the blame on his PTSD.

Frankie you nailed the point I was trying to make....some people accept PTSD as an excuse for such behaviour when it is not acceptable. I was hoping someone would say it as here-in lays some really good food for thought.

Cheating is totally unacceptable in my eyes too......Especially when Anthony says to me that is his past when he has broken up with someone his first reaction was to go out and sleep with someone else to cement that the relationship was over in his mind......It just didn't cross my mind as I had been thinking about posts I had previously read about abusive and destructive relationships.
 
I have made it very clear to my combat PTSD partner that physical violence would be a deal breaker for me. I realise that just one episode of violence has the potential to be fatal when you are dealing with a professional infantry soldier, but I am willing to risk that as he has never been physically violent towards me. My mother (who is the wife of a combat PTSD sufferer - my father - and is also a clinical psychologist) told me that if I pursued this relationship I could end up dead. I reminded her that we all end up dead eventually! Having said that I do not think I could live in fear of physical assault and that is why I have drawn a line in the sand.
 
@Ketamine Dreams

I have to say your asking way way too much of your spouse if your expecting intimacy when she is ill with PTSD.

With all illnesses intimacy can be the first thing to go and one of the last to get back.

If I had taken this as a deal breaker with my husband, we would have been divorced from day one. Not the way to go with any marriage with an illness involved.

To be honest this sound like more your problem than hers, so you have to deal with it in a better way.
 
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I have some of the same thoughts as Amethist. There are some books that, as I recall, discuss this. It was called a "vacation" from sex, if needed. That, particularly for a suffer with a sexually-related trauma, any sexual contact needs to be on the terms of the sufferer, not the partner.

Let me know if you want the titles and I will look them up, if that would help.
 
We've done a trial of celibacy and I get that it can be helpful. And honestly it's about all aspects of intimacy, not just sex. When someone says 'ill with PTSD', to me that means a lifetime struggle in most cases. My wife wasn't struggling with it when we married, it developed later on from an earlier trauma, and it's something she's still working on.

No marriage can survive without intimacy. People with PTSD have a hard time seeing this and realizing it is true. It's fine going without it for small stretches if need be, but non-PTSD people can't live that way for extended period of time, and I have no interest living that way for the rest of my life. I'm not going to apologize for wanting to love and be loved.
 
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