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PTSD & Relationships

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I have struggled with the decision about when/if it is the right time to tell a partner. I was married for 10 years and lived with another man for 9 years, and never told either of them about my trauma. I loved both of them dearly and I did trust them, but . . . I remained silent for 34 years. Shame, guilt, and denial played a big part.

Red: Thanks for sharing. That is a long time to hide your trauma and emotions over 34 years of silence. How did that make you feel? Did you feel like you just wanted to explode because you wanted so bad to share, but something just kept holding you back?

You mention that guilt, denial, and shame played a big part....i have a question for you. My ex is a Iraq/Afghan vet, and is also currently in Iraq with a govt office job. He told me that he feels embarrased about his issue. He never told me he has ptsd, nor did he confirm that he has any other type of mental issue to deal with. He described it as a weakness actually, and that he is incredibly embarrased about it. I'm not sure what he meant by that? I don't understand what the embarrasing part relates to?

Maybe you could shed some light on that since you also said that you feel shame over your trauma?
 
I have had friends in the past but only until I felt like they wanted something from me and then I cut all communication and never spoke or saw them again. I would not answer the phone or return messages left on my machine. They would eventually give up on me--so angry and some with hurt feelings--but my sense is OK good I don't have to deal with him/her any more.

Herc: The sentence i bolded in your post made me understand something my ex did a lot when we were together and also does now. Sometimes i would call him and text him and he would take forever to return my call or text me back..sometimes he wouldn't do it at all until i had some sort of anger in me and expressed it to him, and he would tell me he was sorry and he was just busy.

Until i had a conversation with him a few months ago on IM, i mentioned the fact that he hates being on the phone, never called me when he was home stateside, and that he barely responded to text messages and would rather be on the internet talking to me on IM, than chat to me on the phone...

His response was that "Okay..that is something that you will NEVER understand, okay."

I guess, your post confirmed why it was something i could never understand. Thanks for sharing that.
 
Vera: Thanks for sharing. I see that you say that you feel like you put people out if you call on them in your times of need when you don't feel so good, and when you are feeling okay, that you let them in. I know it can be hard for a sufferer to trust someone, but if in your heart you feel like the person is trustworthy and they are proving that to you and confirming that you can trust them...please go to them.

It's not about putting us carers out. We love and care for people like you very much and we really want to be there for you when you need us the most, otherwise we would not be constantly trying to reassure you that we are not here to hurt you, but here to just love you and be there when you need us. Our persistance is what should tell you that we care deeply for you, and no matter how hard you try to push us away...we are still there whenever you need us.

My ex told me that he feels like he is taking me down with him, and he doesn't want to do that to me. That broke my heart. It saddened me that he felt like he will be bringing me down with him, and that i don't deserve to feel like that because of him. But i have so much love and care for him, that i would make myself strong enough to deal with it. I know at times it can be challenging...but trust in those who love you, Vera. We are not here to hurt you, we are here to help you any way we can...just give us a sign, or some direction, and we will be more than happy to do/say something that brings you higher.
 
I can relate. When my PTSD symptoms becomes worse I tend to avoid things such as phone calls. Even though I get this way I don't miss a class. I do have one close friend who puts up with me. I do in time return a phone call.

I find it is easier to help others then to ask them for help.
 
I'm having a difficult time with the whole relationship/trust thing. I have had no intention of telling my bf. I've been working with a T for last 4 months or so but its making it even more difficult as old wounds are being opened. Any thoughts on how to cope with all of this. Its frustrating
 
I can certainly understand "problems with relationships". I had repressed all my memories for many years. Then I met and married a man that I thought I could spend my life with. I look back now and see that all I chose him for was because I felt safe with him. Then when my memories showed their ugly faces again. He was not prepared and has no intention of learning about this. He just feels like he "didn't marry into this" and should not have to deal with it. When ever I try to make love to him--it hurts me, and he tells me that it is all my fault. And that I need to go "get fixed" or "get well" so we can go back to who we were when we married. He refuses to accept that this is Me and will always be. Even as I grow and change, he gets angry at me that I'm not who he married. He sees any problems we have as my fault, even when I assure him that all marriages go over some bumpy roads now and then. He is a recovered alcoholic and will never see any of our problems as his too.
 
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