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Ptsd & rescuer struggles

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Thank you @Fadeaway

I kind of think that people read this stuff and accept it without actually thinking or considering if it’s a good therapy.

I mean when I read self help stuff, I always think about it critically before I accept it or use it. I never blindly accept anything.

Now I realize that there are people who just accept self help stuff as is. And this is a very dangerous thing.

I think I’m becoming more skeptical of the self help world. And fearful that people accept anything/everything put out there by self help authors without thinking if the application really makes sense.

Guilt? Shame? No thanks! These were indeed the feelings I was experiencing when I was reading about “owning your feelings”.
 
When I met my husband I was hell bent on a solo, what essentially boiled down to suicide mission to Ghana and for Dutch courage after having been the t total good girl misplaced with the special brew crew k heads and junkies for my adulthood in this country at least there was more intense shit to be concerned with out of it, had started necking neat vodka as s a substitute for food. He did rescue me initially and for that I owe him eternal gratitude and for all the shit and rubble of my own creation due to the toxic fart the evil I had been filled with had turned me into he shovelled me out of for a time after. And yet I helped him. I steadied my feet when I wanted to run at every turn and gradually took back more and more responsibility for my own life, commitments, work, studies, achieving dreams, spreading light, being honest and true. For time now I have not harboured the evil they put in me but turned it to light before giving it back to the world. Except us. For months and months we have stuck in a battlefield somewhere between love and hate, through this process we have both forgiven each other for an equal amount of crap and made equal sacrifices I just don't know if me finding my mind has resulted in him losing his. I have taken back the reins to my life and he is struggling to adjust still fighting to dictate every aspect of my life even those irrelevant to us from how I hold a conversation to what I eat to what time I study and how involved I get in my work volunteering and all I see every day is the most beautiful centient man in the universe turn into an aggressive bully and when I won't hand over the rights to my life throw back every wrong decision I ever made throughout the entire healing process as if he didn't leave his scars on me too which until recently now this war between us has been going on for time I had the decency not to throw back in his face. I keep trying to set him free to be the beautiful person he is once again but he makes it clear that's not what he wants and deep down I still want us too just not this us, and recently he has been making so much more of an effort as my intense months of fighting against his will have made it clear beyond any reasonable doubt that I am my own person once again. I think I need to find a balance now though as I have become so used to fighting against him all the time just to get the space to breath and think that I don't know how to be nice to him when he's making an effort and drop my sword and armour but on the flip side when I do take that leap he is generally throwing metaphorical hand grenades at my head within five minutes. I love him and he loves me these are the facts. As to whether that is enough for our waring worlds to ever be harmonious again in the same space only time will tell but seeing as neither of us are on the business of giving up on something we care so deeply about I have employed an extra 3.5 zillion life seat belts cos I don't know where we are going but it's going to be a hell of a bumpy ride
 
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