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Ptsd Research While Working...

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xena21

MyPTSD Pro
I am wondering if other people worked in jobs where they had to deal with people who had PTSD and psychological illnesses and were supposed to help those people or interact with them in any way?

I worked in a job where I was trained in psychological illnesses and how to deal with people that I came in contact with who portrayed those characteristics. I was supposed to become familiar with all areas of these illnesses. As you can imagine, I empathized with these people beyond that of anyone else I worked with, and I found myself researching PTSD quite often.

After I left the job, pandoras box opened and my PTSD was intense to say the least. I was house bound and afraid of everyone. I knew what I researched and knew what I was supposed to do, yet for me, I couldn't do anything I learned. I trusted noone, and to this day its the same. I have all this knowledge of PTSD and so many psychological illnesses yet I can't help myself.

I can't relate to the therapists I see. They tell me things I already know. It's like charlie Brown's teacher on the cartoons...wawawawawa. It just goes on and I don't hear them.

Does anyone have this type of experience or can relate in any way?
 
Yes, I have experienced this quite often and have come to believe it was part of my problem. Not quite sure what to call it. Maybe my over-compensating? That drive to be prove how smart I am. Denial? Resistance? Dissociation? Trust issues? A bit of all those or something else all-together? Whatever name I put to it, I did not start making progress until I stopped invalidating and started accepting guidance.

Just me. It is entirely possible you just haven't found the right fit. Gentle support while you sort yours, xena.
 
Denial? Resistance? Dissociation? Trust issues? A bit of all those or something else all-together?
Arfie I can see this in me. I appreciate the post. Definitely the trust issues and resistance as well as the others. I am very stubborn, and as they've told me, has been a detriment in many ways recently.

I try and relate what they are telling me to what I've learned and I can't put myself in that spot. I start to dissociate like you mentioned and the therapist just looks at me like where did you go? I like this current therapist, but anyone I've dealt with has the same problem. I think too much about everything. My brain is on overdrive and it blocks out what the therapist is trying to help me with.
 
It wasn't easy getting past my impressive IQ to open myself to help. Thinking is much easier than feeling. Thinking is also my number one defense against feeling. Alas, it is not my smartest use for my formidable test scores. I love reading Albert Einstein's reviews of "intelligence." Very insightful.

Be gentle with yourself, xena. Every genius has their I.F. (Idiot Factor). Most of us have more than one IF.
 
Thinking is much easier than feeling.
That is great! You are quite true! I think that is what I fall back on at all times. I try to think my way out of everything.

I remember how things were when I was at certain times of my life and I think that I know what I was doing at that time. Of course a 12 year old has no real perspective on the world like we do as adults, but when you THINK you do, its a whole different story. I thought I knew throughout my teenage years into my adult years, and then as I was researching. I believed I knew best. It was only my perspective though, and it was skewed.

Now I see that I have to look to others for their perspectives because obviously mine is definitely bias....
 
Knowing things about PTSD and how to heal and etc is one thing... experiencing it is another. The best therapists tend to have therapists. I believe we all need other people to heal because what gets damaged in relationships often needs to be healed in relationships. It takes so much more than intellectually knowing.

I say this from lots of experience at an old job of being a case manager for clients who were mentally ill, and now teaching science and being a mentor to kids with PTSD themselves (in a very part time capacity). While I know a lot of things about PTSD, I still desperately need other people to help me heal, again and again.

My therapist tells me things I tell the kids I work with, and it's terribly annoying, and I know what she said, but yet I'm still learning it too.

Just last week I was mad with her and wanted to quit therapy and not talk about it and figured I am too much, my trauma is too much. I knew intellectually otherwise, but I still couldn't believe it. So my therapist said to me, "what would you say to the kids?" She doesn't say this often or anything, and it was quite appropriate in this situation. I was judging the heck out of myself for my anger and figuring I needed to handle it all on my own. I work with angry kids, and I would never judge them like I judge myself.

I'm like "ugh, ok, I know, don't run when I'm angry, it's important to talk through it..." and she quickly said... "and it will take time for you to really experience that it's safe to talk to me about it and really know it, where ALL of you really knows it to the core of your being. I know you know that, but you also are still learning it. I'm here for you as long as you need to work that out and learn that. Like really learn it.."
 
I work with angry kids, and I would never judge them like I judge myself.
Exactly...we wouldn't judge them like we would ourselves, right? I think that's the big difference. My friend is a trauma survivor, and a teacher. She tells me about things and how she judges herself instead of the way she judges the people there today. It's completely uneven and not even comparable.

I know in my heart I want to help other people including myself. I have learned so many skills along the way. I want another therapist to show me I am wrong, yet that hasn't happened. That is where my stubbornness comes in. I keep wanting someone to PROVE to me they know what they are doing, but they can't. That's where everything falls apart. Thats where my trust falls apart. I need to have more trust than that...
 
I know in my heart I want to help other people including myself. I have learned so many skills along the way. I want another therapist to show me I am wrong, yet that hasn't happened. That is where my stubbornness comes in. I keep wanting someone to PROVE to me they know what they are doing, but they can't. That's where everything falls apart. Thats where my trust falls apart. I need to have more trust than that...
So maybe now is the time to learn the skill of trust, of letting go. Healthy trust is never blind, and it does involve some risk. It takes time, and lots of practice.
 
I think you're thinking with the wrong part of the brain. You're TOTALLY in rational mind and you need to be in wise mind. I'd crack open that DBT book and re-read it. I think it could help you get in the right frame of mind.
 
You're TOTALLY in rational mind and you need to be in wise mind.
You are totally right! That's my problem. I am ALWAYS in rational mind. I feel like I relate so much better to the characters on shows like BONES or Big Bang Theory (SHeldon). I get them. I take everything at face value and go over it in my mind as if it were as it seems it should be. I decipher it in a rational way, and I never look at how emotions can interfere with it. I stay away from emotions at all costs.

My family didn't have emotions except anger. I only knew that and fear. I stay away from those and everything else. I trust the concrete now. I need to have control. Control is my biggest ally and emotions are biggest enemy. Talking to therapists, I can't give up control. I have that knowledge in my head of everything I've learned and its so hard to let go. I know I need to somehow. I just don't know how.
 
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