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PTSD Supporter, So Many Questions - So Few Answers

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by maxface, Jan 28, 2007.

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  1. maxface

    maxface New Member

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    My story begins about 13 months ago, when I met the love of my life. She and I began dating, quickly fell in love and began to plan a life together. There was an undeniable connection that occurred instantly and has remained to this day.
    We met in December. Two months prior she found a very close friend of hers, actually someone she also dated briefly after he committed suicide. She was by herself when she found him. She described it in horrific detail.

    When we first met she would talk about it, but she seemed okay. But she and I experienced a loss in our relationship and it sent her over the edge. She left and moved across the country, to find peace and to find herself. I stuck by her, it was a temporary move and we continued a long distance relationship. It was about this time that she started to talk about flashbacks and nightmares and she seemed on edge a lot. She also became extremely critical of me. We made it through several months of this. She came home to visit and was extremely suspicious, but stated she was still committed to being with me forever. We spent 2 rocky but wonderful weeks together. Then she went home, only to send me a letter 2 weeks later ending the relationship, saying we were too different.

    I immediately flew out to see her to see if we could work things out. She said she just needed some space. I came home, 4 days later she told me she had been diagnosed with PTSD.

    I immediately began learning about PTSD. I supported her through letters and cards. Would call her occasionally. I didn't hear anything for almost 2 months. Then she called me crying she had moved back home. I could tell she was struggling.

    I extended myself to her and gave to her to help her get up on her feet. However I also pushed to see her and after about a month she stopped talking to me. Eventually moved out of the place I had let her stay in because "I am dating again."

    This left me heart broken but I left her a message telling her I respected her decision, and I hope we could talk again one day as she was so special to me.

    Months went by, she called once and asked to get together. When I called back she didn't respond.

    Finally a few weeks ago she called me. We talked for a couple of hours. She said I am the only one to ever love her unconditionally, she wanted to see me, the problem was her not me. She tried to date and couldn't.

    So I went to see her last weekend. It was wonderful to see her. It was also very painful. She has lost so much weight, and her hair is thinning. I can see the physical and emotional toll it has taken on her. There was some intimacy, hand holding, hugs, and some kissing. I think I moved to fast as she backed off and said that she wants to take things slow. She promised me we would see eachother again soon and not to worry and not obsess about it. I called her a few days ago haven't heard from her in a week.

    I don't know what to do, I love her, I want to have a life with her someday, I have stuck by her throughout this. I just wonder if this is hopeless. I realize I have to let her come to me when she is ready. I just fear this may never happen. I would and will do anything for her. She says she has never known love like I have shown her.

    Any advice, Is there hope for us? She has had some therapy. She is not on any meds right now. We live 3 hours apart now, which may be a good thing. I want to share my life with her so bad....She states she was mean to me to push me away, so that I could have the life I deserve to have.

    Hanging on for dear life.....
     
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  3. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

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    :hello: Hi Max,

    Welcome to the forum..

    We supporters of those with PTSD travel a very rocky road filled with land mines and surprises all along the road. The sufferer has to "want" to be helped. It's common for them to "push" us away. Yet want us to be there to support and love them. My hubby (Ranger) has PTSD and he's been here on the forum for a couple of months. He is also getting help thru the VA (as he is disabled military). The sufferer has a wide range of major emotions that seem like they are on the worlds worst roller coaster out there. You never know what, when, where, why or how something can or will cause them to "trigger" or what happens when they do.

    In some cases people split up, others go back & forth, some stay together.
    We are families here. We try to support each other. Some people do have their families all on the forum. My hubby is on here, so is my daughter. We have told many others about this forum. Only today, we (my hubby & I) told my daughter's new boyfriend about this forum. He is x-military w/PTSD. So he may check this place out as well.

    We all have felt :wall: this way at some time. It is more or less "normal" here!

    Keep reading, getting opinions, learning, and maybe see if she will join the forum. There are areas for sufferers only & spouses only as well as general areas for everyone to share thoughts and feelings.

    Most importantly is YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANY MORE..................

    Take Care

    D (wildcritter)
     
  4. maxface

    maxface New Member

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    Thanks wild critter,

    You are right it is some relief to not feel so alone anymore. Most of my closest friends have made up their mind on the situation and do not ever want to see me with her again. I only have a couple of close friends/family who still support me wanting to be with her.

    How do you get through times like this? When I visited her last weekend, our connection was there. The woman I love so dearly was there, there but a shell of her former self. She told me she was so tired, didn't know if she would ever get better. She knows how dearly I care about her.

    Now I don't really know if or when I will talk to her again. I want to believe her promise that we will meet again soon. I so badly want to be part of her life. I feel that the "friends" she has now are only enabling her. They allow her to stay in bed for days at a time and take care of her. I guess I can't judge them. I just wish she was getting better help. I think right now there is just a lot of beer and cigarettes. I know she isn't excercising. She told me she thinks she is depressed.

    I guess I am just so tired of feeling helpless and that I have no control over this situation. I want to call her today but feel that if I do I will only push her away. Before I went and saw her last weekend she was texting me, calling me and promptly returning all of my phonecalls. Did I screw up going to see her too soon?

    I just can't stay angry at her though, she has had such a tough life, (family, etc.)

    I guess I just have to be patient. Should I contact her through letters and continue to support her from a distance? I just don't know........


    Has anyone seen something like this turn around?
     
  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Max, I have PTSD. I am happy for her and pained both to see you in your spot. But the days at a time in bed, it is not unusual. She needs that care. It is not always enabling, but if she is not in a better place with it and depressed alcohol is bad and enabling. She sounds depressed. It is hard not to be like this and not have it happen. Promises. Don't hold those too close if she has not been with you in a while. I know not what you may want to hear but the truth. She may just be grasping for what was something she viewed as stable. We can get where we need to find anything steady and stable. That may turn into something again or you may be a stepping stone. I do hope you have your love back, PTSD can chase us away to do this return like she is now also. It is a blind leap of faith on your end to see where it goes and which way. I would say just call and say you hope she is feeling well and if she wants to call you your line is open. Just no pressing questions. For now keep your calls very spaced out so she does not feel the pressure. You seem to be looking for ways to make this work and the only reason I am piping in here. To give you the PTSD point. Good luck, it is a long road, and there is improvement, but it does not end.
     
  6. maxface

    maxface New Member

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    Veiled,

    Thank you for your response. I wish that I had begun to participate here sooner.... I also hope to steer her this way. I must say this is the best resource I have found.

    When she was diagnosed with PTSD, she asked for me to learn about it. I am in the medical field so I have extensively researched the subject, I feel like I have a pretty firm understanding of PTSD from a medical standpoint. Of course I have never lived it though......

    She has told me a lot of things of late. That I am the only one who she believes understands her PTSD. Made multiple comments about me giving her unconditional love, compassion, that she thinks about me everyday.

    I guess some of my questions are: Are people with PTSD sincere with issues like this (honesty)? Is she capable of sensing my pain/care at all about my well being? Can I put any weight in these words? Could there be another disorder along with the PTSD?

    I am in my early 30's, never married, no kids, would like to have those things one day. I have just finished school, and am finally stable. I just feel like I am burning daylight. I know I will never shut the door on her. I am just getting tired of holding on....and my heart is still hers. Before she came down with PTSD, we had the most beautiful dreams.

    I also know that I could really help get the help she needs if she ever wanted it. How do you approach the "getting help" issue? I have helped her find some good trauma specialists, I have sent her some PTSD books(which she thanked me for), etc.
    Do you know anything about Beta-blockers? How important are the antidepressants?


    Thanks again,

    maxface
     
  7. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    We have info on meds in the information section. I have been on almost every med out there (not fun). Beta blockers not one but if I understand right they are for the panic attacks (I know about classes of meds I took)? My blood pressure is normally "low" and only gets nasty during the attack so would not be good for me. Antidepressants, I have seen here a few that respond well, but as a whole no. I am in the "bad reaction group" I became worse. Pulling me off because of it I was very close to my end as withdrawals made it even worse. This place saved me.

    I know I am sincere with those I care for. I can and do love my husband, I am just not good at showing it. Only you know her well enough to know if she is sincere. Seeing your pain and understanding it, most certainly. That has got to be the top reason we actually push people away. We do not want to put this on those we care for.

    Comorbid disorders are the norm. It really is over using lables. As those other disorders normally would not be there if PTSD did not exsist in that person. So depression, alcoholisim, addiction, PD, OCD, phobias... list goes on, are very normal PTSD symptoms.

    Having PTSD does not mean you cannot have a family. You can actually have a good homelife after the treatment and healing get going. If she hits it hard and seriously you can within as early as a couple years. We will not win mom of the year, but not everyone does that are normal. I do better than my normal mom :)

    Relationships take work with us no doubt, but I think once you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel together instead of giving up it proves more rewarding. I am much happier than I could ever be. My husband and I have put a lot of work in this and we are not so quick to let it go.
     
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