• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Relationship Ptsd Without Noticeable Symptoms?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Mandy12

New Here
I'm in a relationship (6years)
With a ptsd spouse and I also suffer from severe depression and suicidal thoughts due partly because of our relationship and also because of a trauma I went through 2.5 years ago.

Our problems started after six months of being together : sex stopped. At first it became monthly then yearly thing. He is the refuser.

Our problem is that he is habitual liar. I caught him sending sex msg and flirting with young women in front of me, even if he knowingly made me cry because of his crude way of refusing sex completely.

He apparently has ptsd and I do want to believe it however I haven't witnessed any of the symptoms associated with ptsd?

No flashbacks? no anger? no nightmares? he says he has them but never in six years I have seen him having any.

we are in each other pockets and used to get along so well like best friends, never fought about anything but this sex issue.

He wasn't drinker at all we had no alcohol in the house as I hated the idea of it as a child of alcoholics, but to his doc he said he was a heavy drinker.

He says he can't concentrate and cant muster up the energy to have sex but has no problem of doing the things that matter to him like flying , studying etc.

He had a list of PTSD symptoms on his iPad and for me it struck odd as I have gone through hell with depression and I don't need a list to memorize about the symptoms as I experience it daily.

During this time he has completely left me on my own devices cutting arms in shower and screaming in rage and crying for despair because of a trauma that happened to me.

But he just walks away. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I truly hit rock bottom for a while and my friend was only one who saw things weren't right.my partner saw but chose to ignore it.

My partner has never said anything about it. I listen to him , rub his back and postpone my life so he can have his and when I needed him he walked away. It broke my heart.

I had a doctors appointment in related to what happened to me and I walked out of there in a mix of rage and completely lost control of myself on the way to the car. I was in such despair after hearing nothing can't be done. I just wanted to die right there and then.

Two hours in the car and he just calmly drove never said anything while I sobbed in the passenger seat.

I don't know if this is just him being a narcissist or is he truly having ptsd? I'm so confused! For a long time I thought he is a narcissist. But I can't be sure and I want to understand if ptsd is sometimes like this?

I have read the sufferers often block themselves out and that could explain it but I'm uneasy about knowing he fibbed about his drinking to the psych.

Sometimes I think he decided to claim it to be the same as his brother, a war hero or just get the benefits.

He is very clever at driving me up the wall by gaslighting me and then portrays himself as the innocent victim and I'm now an outcast for leaving a war veteran basically.
But I can't deal with lies and complete disregard for our relationship.

He used to say how he never was promoted and he was a bit ashamed of it, had nothing to show for his service. He did witness things but when he tells others about loud noises I'm thinking wow he never reacts in anyway it's me who is the jumpy one.

He watches porn and masturbates but lies about it. He has a brother who also suffers from ptsd and he seems to be genuinely rattled and experiencing genuine problems associated with ptsd, however my partner just is cool as a cucumber.

No raising of the voice nothing just pleasant lies. I just can't stand the sight of him anymore I had to sleep on the couch and have done so for the past six months and I'm moving out in a month.

Also he is fine in the house when it's two of us, however is someone comes to visit he turns into this sulky person and when they person says hello how are you he always does the same act , like he is beaten man and do sad but as son as they leave he is fine again.

It's a known thing with my friends that as soon as they come my partner will give them the sad treatment and then go about whistling around the house when they are gone.

His mother is a bit same she is very self centred in a sense that she needs attention one way or another, and living through her son is one of them and I think my partner in turn gets a kick out of its hard to explain.

But my partner it seems that he lies a lot , hides phone, iPad and email. He refuses to discuss about lack of sex but then pretends he doesn't know what the problem is and forgets the conversation next day. After pouring my heart out time and time again trying to talk to him about it and find a solution but he just wants to end the convo and lies like nothing!

But he starts crying if I'm leaving and begs me to stay promises he will see a doc and gets us some help. But it only lasts until I agree to stay and then it's back to same old.

Six years and never he told me I was beautiful but often says he loves me, loves to cuddle and hold hands. But my feelings don't seem to matter he will fall into sleep like a baby while I cry next to him.

But then he used to use sleeplessness as a reason to sleep on the couch as he is more comfy there but now I'm. Sure he masturbates.

I'm finally leaving after so many broken promises and lies I have many ultimatums and begged and pleaded. He is seeing a doc but the letter stated many other symptoms I have not witnessed but sexlessness was not mentioned .

I believe he is a porn addict and seem to have a taste for teens which freaks me out a bit as some of them look very young.

He never made love to me the sex was very porn orientated so that could be a symptom of ptsd but it's also very common with porn addicts. He never told me what he liked and refused to talk about it kind I was meant to know.

But dress up sexy pics did nothing just made him freak even more.

I am at loss trying to understand and get closure but I have no idea who this person is. I loved him so much and I burned myself pretty bad doing so.

I don't think its the ptsd that killed us but the lies and betrayal and complete lack of respect.

I'm sorry for the long post I'm completely gone crazy and cannot think straight this is bothering me so much I can't sleep at nights I get so angry.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
If my ex-husband weren't dead, I'd think you were talking about him! Does it really MATTER what his problem is? Is he planning on changing? (Kind of doubt it!) Are you ok with living like this? (I HOPE not!) I seriously doubt this is going to get better unless and until you get out.

Having said that, I don't think most people realize I have PTSD. A lot of people are aware that I have a few quirks in my personality, but aren't aware of the label. But, I tend to not be IN close relationships, and, even if I am, I tend to keep my "problems" to myself..

My T never met my ex but said, from my descriptions, he was probably a narcissist, a psychopath, or both. In either case, those kind of people don't have much motivation to change because THEY aren't wrong, everyone else is.
 
Agreed, it doesn't really matter what is 'wrong' with him, you aren't happy. Nor from your description should you be. That's what matters, particularly if there's no active work on his part.

As for the symptom issue, it sounds like you hide at least some of your depression symptoms. I do the same with my PTSD to a large degree. My partner of three years who was living with me wasn't aware of a lot of the things that were going on with me during my last really symptomatic flare. And my last partner wasn't aware of a symptom spike or that I was suicidal. There's a lot of time we spend apart, even when we live with someone. And when you're really good at hiding things it can be done. That said, since you know he's lying about some things that complicates the whole issue. But, as I mentioned, what matters is whether you're happy living like this.
 
If he's in full remission, then yes, it's possible to show no symptoms. What makes me think he's a liar is that he us using his ptsd "status" to collect benefits. If he's able to hide it all away, he's not disabled in the sense that yes, he can work. I call BS on anyone who says they have ptsd yet others can't see a single symptom, ESPECIALLY if it's a live in partner. The diagnostic criteria even says that ptsd MUST have a significant negative impact on functioning. If it doesn't, then no, it does not rise to the level of ptsd.

Oh, and sex like a porn star isn't a ptsd symptom.
 
He seems to be emotionally abusing you. If he knows hes screwing you up emotionally and doesen't care, and shows sexual interest in everyone seemingly but you, than this isn't a marriage anymore and I suggest that you leave.
 
Yes I agree that he is not going to change , I just always felt guilty myself thinking this man is suffering and that's how he has Prob kept me around, dangling the carrot that hey wait another year things will change.

But I also agree with the fact that he doesn't seem to be affected. He works hard and now two jobs and yes he says he hates his main job and gets cranky and he thinks that is ptsd.

I told him everybody hates their job and gets cranky at times including myself.he still executes his jobs perfectly and loves the other job, drives between cities regularly. Never misses a beat.

I had to stop working because I spiralled so badly I feared I'll become physically violent at work. I had to drink just to get myself out the door and face the day.

It also could be true he is just very good at hiding it however I have grown in a family with depression and can spot the signs real quick yet with him, it's a blank page.

Actually you are all right it doesn't matter why he acts like this or if he has ptsd I suppose I get really stuck on trying to get sense and move on.

I have been waiting to see his doctor as my spouse said his doc wants to talk to me too but two years he has been saying that and nothing of course happens. I believe it's just another delaying tactic again or he is not happy with the idea of me face to face with the doc.

I have to lastly add his mother is a drama queen and I sometimes thinks spouse is a little the same and to get his mothers attention while competing with his brother he too wants to have ptsd.

He always says "maybe it's the ptsd"
What do you mean maybe? He talks about it in" it could be " , "might be " and "maybe" terms, as if he is asking me if its a plausible eplantation to his behaviour, Its odd.

Too much ranting now i apologise thank you for your help. On conclusion he is treating me poorly and is not going to change, or more importantly , doesn't want to change. I believe he is using the PTSD card as a get out of jail - card for bad behaviour without actually taking steps to work on these things.

I don't wish to accuse him of fibbing about PTSD maybe he truly has it, but it doesn't matter. I just always thought it's bloody hard to spot though.
 
Something that's been difficult for me is learning to let things about how other people have behaved toward me go without reasons and explanations. I look really hard either for a reason or for remorse. Like, to a level of fixation that is ridiculous. And unfortunately whether it's neglect, emotional abuse, or physical abuse reasons and remorse are two things that are really unlikely.

My experience is you have to find distance from the situation and get it right in your head somehow. You don't have to know all the whys, but find something that works for you to stop looking so hard for the logic that just won't be there. For example, I learned all about the laws for false imprisonment after a situation in my last relationship. All I really wanted was for him to understand why what he did was wrong and apologize, but in lieu of that I armed myself with some knowledge and some validation. Whatever helps you to move on, but you can only control you and you can't rationalize someone's behavior that's irrational to begin with. You'll just make yourself crazy trying.
 
Yes I need to stop obsessing.im sure as soon as I get distance and get away from him and his family completely, my brain can finally clear and get perspective and forget.

I've read about psychopaths and im petrified this may be the case im not sure. Everything is clouded.

Thank you for your perspective i would like your posts but not sure how to do it via phone spastic with technology at times.
 
I only got about halfway through the list of things going on with this bloke, and about the only reason I can understand staying with him is if you have a child together that you're protecting him from torturing and killing?

How would his having PTSD or not change anything? It wouldn't. You'd still be in a relationship with someone who makes you miserable.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top