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Ptsd

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Summer Ava

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Can PTSD develop from being a victim of voyeurism?

Naked photographs of me were taken (getting dressed/undressed, getting out of the shower in the bathroom) without my knowledge or permission in a place I thought I was safe and by a person who I thought I was most safest with - my partner of 9 years. I didn't know or learn about the violating photos until a few years after. It turns out he has a serious problem with voyeurism - to the extent it took over his mind for years.

I saw the diagnostic criteria for the new DSM-V in 2013 - it includes the words "sexual violation" - does that include victims of voyeurism? Is voyeurism a sexual assault?

I would like to re-introduce myself. My first and only post on this forum was Aug 2011 - and I have included it below for reference because it helps put it into perspective and gives some personal history. I am now more comfortable to talk about the details of what happened.

In Jan 2011, I discovered my partner of 9 years was in fact a complete stranger living a hideous and dangerous double life throughout our entire relationship. He acted to me and everyone we knew, to be normal, loyal, caring, loving, trustworthy, with good morals/values. I learned devastating and shocking things about him he had kept very hidden from me and everyone - his secret sick double life included cheating on me with more than 30 women, being a "nudist", issues with exhibitionism, heavily addicted to pornography, and the voyeurism. It hasn't been just a normal break up or bad relationship. Before I knew, we had an amazing wonderful happy relationship - it was perfect. I thought my life was in good hands, with a safe and sane person. Every moment of my life for a decade was not what it really was - my life was fake, my world was false, I feel like I have been Jim Carrey in The Truman Show movie.

At the start, while I was overwhelmed dealing with the intense shock and pain of the discovery, he also deliberately kept his STI/HIV test results from me for over 2 months - refusing to allow me to know, making me fear/believe that he - the man I had slept with for many years - was HIV positive. It turns out he wasn't (thankfully) - but he had put me through all that fear and stress for nothing.

For the past 1 year - since my first post on this forum, I have since suffered extensive emotional abuse from him. My self-esteem is shattered. I feel worthless, have no value, disposable, invisible, no one cares about me, never will be good enough for anyone, flawed, all alone, hate my body, have shame, feel trapped, feel like dying would be a release, feel like I don't count, constantly invalidated. Emotionally - I have endured from him manipulation, deception, control, neglect, degradation, violation, humiliation, gas-lighting, and dehumanization. Not only does he have this sexual addiction/compulsive stuff - but has extreme NPD traits underneath it that all came to the surface.

I also have a lot of grief and loss - the man, my best friend, who I knew and loved has died to me and sadly never even actually existed - he was only was a facade wearing a mask. But I mourn him. I mourn for my life from "before" - the person I was from "before". I am so different now, everything is so different. My entire perspective of the world permanently changed and my sense of safety was shattered. I am afraid to love or trust another man again. I think all men must be like this? I want this not to be true, but I'm scared that it is.

From the beginning, I had no support - I was also blamed for his problems and behaviours, and he made everyone believe I was delusional, just insecure and making everything up. Now I have my sister and my therapist, it's better than before when I had no one. Anyway, for 2 years I have had PTSD symptoms. My therapist - I switched to a clinical psychologist who treats trauma - says I have experienced trauma and am traumatized - but doesn't formally/officially call or diagnose it PTSD.

Since discovering everything - to summarize, I have on-going certainly had:
  • Painful intrusive images/thoughts
  • Flashbacks - visual, emotional, smells, hallucinations
  • Nightmares - multiple, first year was up to 5 per night, to the point I avoided sleep. Now it's a bit less - 2 or 3 per week.
  • Distressed when triggered
  • Physiological reactions
  • Avoiding thoughts, feelings, memories, convos
  • Avoiding activities, people, places, situations
  • Lost interest and participation in significant activities
  • Detachment and estrangement - feels like I live in a different world than everyone else. Like a different plane of existence.
  • Sense of foreshortened future
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep - insomnia
  • Irritability and anger
  • Difficulty concentrating and focusing - lost my job due to this
  • Hypervigilant - on guard, scanning my environment
I'm not self-diagnosing here. I need you to know what I've been suffering with. 2012 has been slightly better than 2011, regarding the intensity of the symptoms. My life was very much halted, debilitated in every aspect, haunted, and destroyed by these symptoms - first year was pure hell and mental torture. Now I feel I can function a little better and for a few weeks here and there, I finally feel "space" to breath and think, which I didn't have in the previous year.

I am trying to understand "where" does my trauma "fit". My symptoms are real. I feel confused about what classifies as what. Is it one big trauma? Is it individual parts? What does voyeurism classify as? Does it make a difference that it was my partner and not a stranger?

If I only have "PTSD symptoms" rather than the disorder - does that mean it's okay for me to use any PTSD resources available - info, books, workbooks etc - It may sound silly, but deep down I feel like I shouldn't or that I'll be mocked/laughed at by the world, because I haven't been diagnosed.


My first post on the forum:
Hi, I am new.

I don't know what to say, how to begin. For 6 months I have been experiencing nightmares, insomnia, on high alert and on guard, can't concentrate on my job and have stopped working, constant racing thoughts, painful videos playing through my mind that make me feel I am dying inside, avoiding places and people that remind me of everything that happened, have a huge number of triggers that cause intense pain, uncomfortable being physically touched, feel contaminated, can't trust anyone, question everything and everyone, view the world now as horrible and dangerous, can't see myself having any future, no marriage, no children, no growing old - I can essentially only look 2 weeks forward, beyond that is nothing, the total unknown because anything could happen to me. I'm not interested in anything I used to enjoy, easily agitated and angry, my heartbeat races and I can't breathe when I explain to people openly and honestly what happened.

My main trauma is emotional, though. By accident I found out in January that my partner of 9 years was living a secret, double life. My entire world exploded and evaporated in an instance. It was as if a tsunami wiped out my entire life, my entire identity, my future. Everything I knew was false. The fake facade, "who he was" was an illusion. I'm not referring to an affair or simple relationship breakdown, the situation was multiplied +20 times in terms of the betrayal, pain, shock, confusion. I had been loving and living with a total stranger for almost a decade. The moment I knew he was a stranger, I felt he was going to stab me that night while I was in the bedroom, for finding out. That didn't happen. I do have nightmares of him killing me, but this part isn't the main thing I'd consider as my trauma if it makes sense.

Because all this isn't actually physical trauma, is it possible any past traumas could have stirred up this severe response in me? Have experienced other trauma in my life, including:
  • Emotional child abuse, extending into my teen and adult years.
  • Being forced to walk on my broken leg because the school teacher didn't want to carry me. She could clearly see it was broken, my bone was sticking out horizontal, almost through my skin.
  • On the second floor balcony in a building while below a bank robbery was happening followed by massive police shoot out, with bullets flying everywhere and bank robber being shot. This didn't really affect me, though.
  • Thought I was going to be raped and killed in my apartment, because as I walked out of the bathroom I saw a man on my 16th story balcony. The instance I saw his shadow, I locked myself in the bathroom and mentally prepared to be raped, I was terrified and shaking, and I accepted I was going to die. It turns out he had been on my balcony from being on the side of the building repairing something outside, not from breaking into my apartment.
Apart from the the emotional childhood abuse, the only thing that caused any PSTD-type symptoms in me was thinking the man on my apartment balcony was there to attack me. I had nightmares for quite a few months after, jumped out of bed at every sound, had to sleep with the light on, avoided having a shower when home alone (I still avoid this), positioned myself sleeping so I could always see the front door from the bed, listened with my ear at the door whenever I heard a man's voice in the building's hallway. I felt entirely unsafe. I don't live there now anymore. But this frightening event still didn't affect my life on such an intense level as what I'm dealing with now.

I am trying to make sense about what's happening to my mind because I'm finding it difficult to cope. I am seeing a psychologist, she isn't a trauma specialist, but she said my trauma from the current event is affecting me on quite a high level and I should perhaps try exposure therapy. But I have no diagnosis or anything about what's wrong with me and I feel like I need some type of name to give this, to help me understand and explain it.

I am curious about this link with past trauma possibly provoking PTSD from new trauma. If anyone can provide or direct me to any information about this, I would forever be grateful.

Thank you and I am sorry if this is too detailed.
 
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Victoria, Thank you for writing. I really mean that. My life could mirror your own. What happened to you, your trauma symptoms, everything. I was stalked and violated by not one but two people. One man I dated many years ago and he was videotaping me behind my back. The other was a man who was stalking and monitoring me (and my husband) for over 12 years.
 
I am sad for the both of you. What a terrible ordeal to go through. My heart goes out to you. Your suriving it is quite a testimony to what the human being can overcome.
 
I'm not blaming you at all....so please don't take what I say the wrong way.

Why are you still with him? You aren't going to heal as long as you still are in constant contact with the person who traumatized you unless they own up to what they did, sincerely apologize, and most importantly CHANGE. He doesn't sound to have done any of these.

While you may not be able to be diagnosed with PTSD, that doesn't mean you can't have PTSD symptoms. (To have the disorder itself you must meet certain criteria, but when it comes to the effects of trauma, it's not an all or nothing thing, as in you either have no symptoms or you have full blown PTSD. You can be at various points along the traumatized spectrum so to speak.)

PTSD books may help you learn valuable coping skills, so I encourage you to read them. You don't need to feel guilty over taking "advantage" of these resources because you don't have a formal PTSD diagnosis.

In terms of voyeurism, I don't see how it is not a sexual violation. I mean, if you were a child photographed for kiddie porn, wouldn't that qualify for criterion "A" of the PTSD diagnosis? You were photographed against your will/knowledge, and to me that is incredibly violating. None of us here can diagnose you, but I don't doubt that you have been traumatized.

My other question is whether or not your therapists reluctance to diagnose you with PTSD is a function of simply not meeting criterion "A" for a DSM diagnosis of PTSD. Have you talked to her about this? Do you know for sure that she isn't saying it's PTSD because of the type of trauma? I'm only asking because it's possible that she doesn't see another diagnostic criterion in you that is required for a diagnosis. Of course, all of this is speculation as nobody knows just what is going on inside your therapist's head.
 
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