moreconfusion
New Here
Hi Everyone. Im not sure if I'm in the right place here. I guess I just want to find out if I need to seek help. Here's a little of my back story, and I feel a little reluctant to post on here as I know a lot of you have been through some incredibly traumatic events. I don't feel my personal story is particularly traumatic, but wanted to get an idea of whether or not I could be suffering from ptsd. I have a huge amount of respect for all of you going through this.
Even just trying to word this is difficult. I grew up in a violent household. My father and mother split up when I was around 10 and my mother's new partner used to get drunk and violent with my mother. I remeber sitting in my bedroom with my back against the door worrying that he would kill her and come for me next. Each time it happened there was this horrible guilt that I should be doing something more, and go down and try to stop it from happening somehow. I remeber worrying that by doing that it would exasperate the situation. I felt and still feel a huge amount of guilt for doing nothing but cowering in my room. It was a fairly regular event. He never laid a hand on me or my sisters and brother, although both my sisters said they had some uncomfortable moments with him. I wasn't aware of this until much later though.
Throughout my life I've felt nervous and intimidated in the most natural of circumstances. I struggle to make eye contact or conversation, and get very nervous when stuck in conversation with someone I don't know well, or in general everyday social situations. I even struggle with people I know well too. I also have real fear of something horrible happening to my own child which is getting worse. I worry about accidents or kidnappings, and although I'm aware that generally these thoughts are extreme over reactions, I can't stop them coming to mind. I sleep with my sons baby monitor next to me and struggle to sleep in case there is an intruder. My rational mind knows that no one is likely to break into our house to kidnap him, but on a night time I still can't get to sleep. A lot of this seems unrelated to my childhood though, which is why I don't know if ptsd is the answer. I genuinely know that these feelings and behaviors are all totally unnecessary and sound a bit crazy. I guess that's why I came here. I'm not comfortable discussing this stuff with a doctor but wanted to know your thoughts. I honestly don't even feel comfortable discussing this stuff with my partner. I have big respect and love for this community. Any feedback would be appreciated. I just want to know if this is normal and I'm trying to attach more to my experiences than is justifiable or if I really am possibly dealing with ptsd. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Even just trying to word this is difficult. I grew up in a violent household. My father and mother split up when I was around 10 and my mother's new partner used to get drunk and violent with my mother. I remeber sitting in my bedroom with my back against the door worrying that he would kill her and come for me next. Each time it happened there was this horrible guilt that I should be doing something more, and go down and try to stop it from happening somehow. I remeber worrying that by doing that it would exasperate the situation. I felt and still feel a huge amount of guilt for doing nothing but cowering in my room. It was a fairly regular event. He never laid a hand on me or my sisters and brother, although both my sisters said they had some uncomfortable moments with him. I wasn't aware of this until much later though.
Throughout my life I've felt nervous and intimidated in the most natural of circumstances. I struggle to make eye contact or conversation, and get very nervous when stuck in conversation with someone I don't know well, or in general everyday social situations. I even struggle with people I know well too. I also have real fear of something horrible happening to my own child which is getting worse. I worry about accidents or kidnappings, and although I'm aware that generally these thoughts are extreme over reactions, I can't stop them coming to mind. I sleep with my sons baby monitor next to me and struggle to sleep in case there is an intruder. My rational mind knows that no one is likely to break into our house to kidnap him, but on a night time I still can't get to sleep. A lot of this seems unrelated to my childhood though, which is why I don't know if ptsd is the answer. I genuinely know that these feelings and behaviors are all totally unnecessary and sound a bit crazy. I guess that's why I came here. I'm not comfortable discussing this stuff with a doctor but wanted to know your thoughts. I honestly don't even feel comfortable discussing this stuff with my partner. I have big respect and love for this community. Any feedback would be appreciated. I just want to know if this is normal and I'm trying to attach more to my experiences than is justifiable or if I really am possibly dealing with ptsd. Thanks for taking the time to read this.