I just got off the phone with a guy friend of mine that 2 weeks ago I trusted with everything. I would have even trusted him with my life. And I still do. But it's hard.
I am able to handle my ptsd well if I have something to base stability on. But 2 weeks ago, my family completely fell apart, which means the only stability I had went away. So, of course, I've gotten worse. Which means I barely communicate to the people I know and care about. This hurts them because they now think I don't want them around and I do. I want them around a lot, but it doesn't matter how much I want them around because ptsd has taken control of me.
I want to talk to this friend, but everytime I think of even having a conversation I either tense up or cry. And when I do get myself there to talk I keep thinking, why should anyone care? and just completely forget about it. But me not being myself has put a lot of strain on all of my friendships.. especially this one. And this one was one of the important ones I had.
I'm just pushing people away farther and farther without even thinking about what I'm doing. I want this to stop and I want things to return to the way they used to be. I want to be in control again, but I've lost it and I don't know how to get it back.
I just wish there was some way I could talk to him (which is the hardest part) and tell him something about whats going on. The longer I don't tell anyone, the more gets built up inside. I mean, I should be wearing a label now that says "warning: contents under pressure"
Ok, I just really needed to rant but I also would like to know if there's anything I could do. Anything at all would be helpful.
I am able to handle my ptsd well if I have something to base stability on. But 2 weeks ago, my family completely fell apart, which means the only stability I had went away. So, of course, I've gotten worse. Which means I barely communicate to the people I know and care about. This hurts them because they now think I don't want them around and I do. I want them around a lot, but it doesn't matter how much I want them around because ptsd has taken control of me.
I want to talk to this friend, but everytime I think of even having a conversation I either tense up or cry. And when I do get myself there to talk I keep thinking, why should anyone care? and just completely forget about it. But me not being myself has put a lot of strain on all of my friendships.. especially this one. And this one was one of the important ones I had.
I'm just pushing people away farther and farther without even thinking about what I'm doing. I want this to stop and I want things to return to the way they used to be. I want to be in control again, but I've lost it and I don't know how to get it back.
I just wish there was some way I could talk to him (which is the hardest part) and tell him something about whats going on. The longer I don't tell anyone, the more gets built up inside. I mean, I should be wearing a label now that says "warning: contents under pressure"
Ok, I just really needed to rant but I also would like to know if there's anything I could do. Anything at all would be helpful.