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Putting words to a corrupt core belief

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Rose White

MyPTSD Pro
I just have to say it. When I trust someone I imagine them masturbating. Not in the moment that I'm talking to them but later, when I'm alone or feeling sexual. My PTSD stems from my dad masturbating in front of me, for me, when I was a toddler. I know now that it was wrong what he did. I know that it's wrong for me to fantasize about people in my life because my therapist told me so and because it messes with my mind and makes me feel bad when I talk to them after having fantasies about them. My therapist said to just stop. She also said think about past lovers. I realized that my past lovers were more about an emotional connection because sex was never very fulfilling, mostly just a physical, confusing act. I "got good" at sex with my husband but partly because he didn't mind me spacing out and I would fantasize about people I knew in real life being sexual and child-molester-like people dominating me or encouraging me to dominate them. I'm afraid of my fantasies now. Maybe I should try to take an inventory of my fantasies and decide which ones are safe/acceptable. I'm afraid that the majority are bad/wrong and that may be true but I won't know until I really focus on them and start to pull them apart.
 
I'm not really sure of the core belief or the cognitive distortion yet? But as you write it out here, maybe you can narrow it down some more.
 
Cognitive distortion: fantasizing about people I trust. Is that a behavior and not a belief?
 
Could be a belief... one that ties sexualizing people that you trust... something like "I believe that everyone who I trust has a sexual agenda"... but it sounds more like a thinking pattern all mixed up with sexuality.

Cognitive distortions are thoughts that cause individuals to perceive reality inaccurately. These thinking patterns often are said to reinforce negative thoughts or emotions. Here's a more comprehensive list of distortions... several may apply like 7, 15, 27, 42, 44...??? 50 Common Cognitive Distortions


42. Biased implicit attitudes. Psychologists use a test called the implicit association test to measure attitudes that people subconsciously hold.... in particular may apply?

See what you think... but narrow it down and try to identify what you think applies best to your situation and then you'll have something to work with?

I think too that being able to observe and be aware of the connection you may be making is cause for optimism. In the realm of fantasizing sexually of course these days they trend to say it's all well and good... however the complication of the link to people you trust unnecessarily complicates things and I think it's a really good thing to try to look through.

I had a friend like that, over sexualized and who interpreted caring/trust/attachment sexually... unbeknownst to me for over 17 years... she never did work it through. When by repetition and duration of the friendship she began to speak and even act on actualizing her fantasy... I ended the friendship. She was just not willing to do the work to undo her hardwiring for the behavior... and the fantasizing over time ended up crossing over to a driving desire to actualize and I just couldn't go there. It cost a long time friendship.
 
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That really helps me to see the situation in a different light and gives me a lot to work with. Thank you!

ETA: I keep saying this in my head, "I believe everyone I know has a sexual agenda." Rather than feeling disgusted with myself for voicing this belief I feel stronger. It seems that saying it stabilizes me just a tiny bit. It gives me a lens to peer through.

One more thing, I realized that saying the above led me to be able to say, "I believe that my dad, who I trusted, had a sexual agenda with me." In making this distinction I feel strong but also disgusted. Strong to recognize it, but disgusted with him.
 
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Thank you for pointing that out. I am starting to become aware of how feelings more properly(?) directed at my dad were turned inward as I developed, as an emotional survival technique. Admitting to myself that he did not love me but was actually using my body and mind for his own gratification was too much to bear as a girl and even as a young woman. But now I have enough tools in place to admit it and I can begin to redirect or rechannel my emotions.

I saw an error in my previous statement, and it will bother me if I don't correct it. "I believe that everyone I *trust* has a sexual agenda with me." Not everyone I know.

Every time I say that I feel a little bit stronger because I can only choose to let go of a belief after I have first identified and understood the belief.
 
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