Rose White
MyPTSD Pro
I just have to say it. When I trust someone I imagine them masturbating. Not in the moment that I'm talking to them but later, when I'm alone or feeling sexual. My PTSD stems from my dad masturbating in front of me, for me, when I was a toddler. I know now that it was wrong what he did. I know that it's wrong for me to fantasize about people in my life because my therapist told me so and because it messes with my mind and makes me feel bad when I talk to them after having fantasies about them. My therapist said to just stop. She also said think about past lovers. I realized that my past lovers were more about an emotional connection because sex was never very fulfilling, mostly just a physical, confusing act. I "got good" at sex with my husband but partly because he didn't mind me spacing out and I would fantasize about people I knew in real life being sexual and child-molester-like people dominating me or encouraging me to dominate them. I'm afraid of my fantasies now. Maybe I should try to take an inventory of my fantasies and decide which ones are safe/acceptable. I'm afraid that the majority are bad/wrong and that may be true but I won't know until I really focus on them and start to pull them apart.