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Questions about avoidance

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@DharmaGirl,

Thanks for asking.

We haven't talked at all. It's been 9 weeks now. So I'm just going through the process and moving forward with my life. Not Mich else I can do but that. I have gained such a great amount of knowledge. I am frequently on this site and a few others, just reading and learning from others. I am seeing a therapist and that helps.

I still love my sufferer, very much. I be just come to the acceptance that unless he seeks help and wants different for himself, then there is nothing I can do. I feel like I started as a small lump of cold butter from the fridge, needing to be used for a whole bun but didn't know how I could possibly do it.

And now I've Warmed up and softened and am more flexible and can feed a whole family.

Still feel sad, I just send him love everyday. I want him to be happy and healthy. If he needed my help I would be there in a heartbeat. He will always have a piece of me. And for now I just have to keep on becoming more warm and soft for myself. Compassion compassion compassion.
 
@Friday

That's an interesting explanation. I guess as a supporter I just ask how are we to know the difference? I only ask this because my S would never talk to me about anything. His symptoms, flareups, triggers, nothing. So I was always in the dark, and had to figure out why he was reacting the way he was and what was happening.

Good explanation I agree with Buttercup. I guess, coming from my perspective, I always blamed myself and he would blame me a lot too. Hard to know which is which from this side.
 
@Willowtree I'm not answering for Friday but answering from my experience. You figure it out over time. I figured it out by coming to this thread that I am so thankful you started, but also because I have had a year and a half of what I will currently call episodes of avoidance. And also from what he has told me directly. Putting the pieces if the puzzle all together.
 
Hi.
I'm new to this forum as per a couple of days ago.

I am a supporter, not a sufferer. I am tryin...
I guess for me it is like I have a panic button that shuts me down. I know that if I try to continue to talk hings out I will expect posdible verbal abuse or shaming or threats or fear I will loose control and start screaming and damage the relationship further. Even though I have never screamed at anyone.
 
Hi.
I'm new to this forum as per a couple of days ago.

I am a supporter, not a sufferer. I am tryin...
Willowtree,
My former husband acted very, very similar to yours when he left me and it turned out that he had fallen in love with someone else. I am not saying that ptsd can't be the reason for his leaving you, I just want you to rule out the possibility that he is leaving you for another woman. I say this because divorce involves so much more than the breaking up of a relationship. It involves child custody agreements, child support, spousal support, taxes, and division of assets. Once these issues have been legally agreed upon, it is almost impossible to change them and they can effect you for the rest of your life. If it turns out that he is seeing someone else, you may very much regret the choices your kindness and loving feelings toward him lead you to make. I apologize for bringing up such a negative idea, but please rule this possibility out before you make any legal settlement.
 
but it's the resolution afterwards that makes all the difference.
@EveHarrington I had to reply to this post. I read that the success or failure of relationships is not so much determined to how you fight with your partner, but in how you resolve the fight. Spot on!! This holds true for PTSD sufferers and non sufferers. Great post for everyone!
 
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The easiest people to deal with are the ones who just go on about their business and accept you the way you are.
this is my experience, i am a huge avoider of people, though on the surface it is not really noticed by many (that i know of). I have managed to "dodge the bullet" of getting too close to most people. I have my strategies. I am the busy, gotta go type. The few who have stayed with me are those who just love me for who i am. Occasional getting together makes it easier. I make sure we enjoy an activity together (a movie, hot springs, hike; something that distracts us from too much eye contact) and I can stay with them for a short time before feeling all the bad feelings. In the last 2 years after diagnosis and learning about this whole condition, I have quit returning calls and texts from those who, for whatever reason, I do not trust as a true person or I think they have some other agenda for wanting to spend time with me. The ones who have stayed with me, have their own lives and do not need much, if anything from me. The feedback is that I am a good listener and I have good insights. I have been speaking more about myself lately and expressing my desires more lately.
One thing for sure, if anyone trys to manipulate me in any way because of what they need from me to be this or that, i run. I do not want to be seen that closely. If anyone acts too interested in what i am feeling, etc. I get very uncomfortable. These are usually co-dependent type of people, of which I am one of those inside too. best wishes!
 
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