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Rabbit hole

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I guess this is where I'd post this. I so often have these questions that pop up into my head. It's after surviving my trauma. And I find myself in more relationships with people who remind me of one's that have caused my grief.

I'm not currently with anyone but my emotions get overbearing sometimes and I feel the need to soothe over things with friends. Especially when they're angry with me. One friend got angry with me so I asked for a meeting between us and a close friend to make sure that my friend understands that I'm coming from a loving place.

Then I start to worry that I'm being manipulative. I wonder if this is an issue for others. I worry that I'm being manipulative by trying to show my emotions to others. I fall down this rabbit hole of feeling like I'm the one at fault and I should swallow my feelings. Am I being manipulative?

I have questioned my whole sense of self and who I am after all of it. I wonder if all my interactions if I'm just being the bad guy. I don't know if this makes sense but please tell me if you've ever felt this way after. I always feel like I'm the one hurting others and making them feel bad. I don't want to play a victim card.

Ah okay my head's hurting. The rabbit hole is too deep but please tell me I'm not alone in this thought process. I was very neglected and abused as a child and I worry so much that I am that way too.
 
Hi,
I'm not sure if I am understanding correctly but wondered if you feel responsible for others feelings and reactions when you interact with them or show emotion. Does that make sense? That by just expressing your emotions you are forcing others to feel or behave a certain way. ?

Here are some questions to think about:
When you express your emotions to these friends then what are you trying to achieve
What does expressing them look and sound like

It may help to fully describe an example here. Its possible that I used to feel this way and there will always be people who relate.
 
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