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Raising 2 kids while battling cptsd, anxiety and depression can anyone else relate?

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Jill32

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Hi, I suffer from CPTSD, anxiety and depression and I am struggling trying to raise my 2 girls. I'm not raising them alone, however I am a stay at home mom as I am unfit to work. I feel unfit to raise my kids, if I'm being honest. I struggle daily to just get through the day and my CPTSD symptoms are so bad that I can't be alone with the kids during the day in case I go into a dissociative state, mine can last for hours, or I have a panic attack and scare the crap out of them. My father comes every day during the week to help me with them and I feel horrible that he basically is giving up his life taking care of MY kids. My dad is 69 and does not need this every day. I feel like a complete failure as a mother every day. Most days I can't do anything with them as I have to concentrate on staying present or I'm stuck in a never ending flashback. My kids also are very triggering to me as loud noises scare the shit out of me and send me into panic attacks, I wear earplugs most of the time to try to combat that, but they make me feel like I'm disconnected from everything around me. I am on several meds and they all have a side effect of being sensitive to sunlight, combined with my natural sensitivity it actually creates a horrible chemical reaction to the sun and it's very painful so the last 2 summers I have been basically house bound making everything even worse. Can anyone relate to this? Does anyone have an advice?
 
I did the same thing you are doing without much support. I too was a stay at home mom. Now my kids are all out of the house and my son died many years ago as well.

If I had it to do over, I would be stricter with the kids and worked on not feeling like a bad mom and a failure with such low esteem and self worth. I wish I could do it all over.

It was so very hard going to therapy at the same time that I was at home with my kids and I barely functioned too. Be gentle on yourself and try to put love and good guidelines and rules and boundaries with your kids as it will all show up later on. I spoiled my kids because I did not want them to be abused as I was. My only remaining daughter is estranged from me and is an alcoholic.

Not trying to put pressure on you at all, I remember how hard each day was. But what you put into your kids today will be revealed later on in their young adult lives. I wish you the best.I think you are amazing for just getting out of bed each day.:hug::hug::hug:
 
The best thing you can do for your kids is work on recovery. Every day, regardless of what you want to do, do at least 1 thing to recover. Show your children that mental illnesses happen, but that you can fight and have a life that may not have been your first choice, but is worth living. You can do this. Start with one thing. I worked hard at my recovery, and I went from someone who was hospitalized many, many times over two years to a person who has a decent life.
 
Remind yourself that it won't be like this forever! You are going to work hard to heal. My one friend with ptsd works because in a way, it is easier than raising kids, but I realize you said work isn't something you can handle at the moment either. My daughters are teenagers and pretty self sufficient but they have noticed that I was different and kind of "spacey" since the ptsd hit. I feel so disconnected from my family and my youngest started cutting and it is easy to blame myself for it. Your dad wouldn't be helping out if he didn't want to be there. Do not feel guilty about that! What is most important is that your kids are cared for and safe. And that you have some space to heal, and it looks like you have that in place, so you are doing the right thing!
 
I work and go to school and they are both easier than being a mom. I feel like a shit mom some days. They are too loud and needy sometimes and I have to isolate in my room a lot. These past two summers I was indoors doing homework all day while my kids were bored out of their mind. Then my 6 year old son will say something like "you are the best mom." or my daughter will try to cook for me and I realize that they do not have the same perspective about life as I do. Odds are, your kids are content as long as they are cared for and it sounds like they are.

I agree with @DharmaGirl . Work everyday on your recovery. It does get better.
 
Guilt. That's one of the worst symptom that i experience. It's not really a text bool symptom but it should be. It eats you up from the inside out and makes you feel every good step you take isn't enough. I feel that is what you are doing to yourself now, you feel guilty that your not 100% there for your kids, you feel guilty that your dads helping, you feel guilty that you are suffering from cptsd. YOU SHOULDN'T feel that way.

When your in a calm state, write down what kind of mom you want to be and what kind of boundaries and rules you want to set for your kids, and what you think you are capable of doing and what items you need help with. Be realistic and ask for help! you have an amazing father who wants to help you, he WANTS to, if he didnt he wouldn't show up everyday.

Being a mom is really really hard and nowadays everyone is looking and judging every mom's move. It's hard to cope without PTSD so having it is an additional challenge but you'll be able to do it! Believe in yourself! And kick guilt in the ass everytime it pops up. you should NEVER feel guilty about anything, each person is different and you shouldnt compare yourself to others.
 
Letting them know you love them, even in small ways..

Making sure that they know that it's not their fault.

Owning your own feelings and communicating that to them, so they don't blame themselves or suffer low self esteem, because they see are you are struggling and not happy.

I have had to parent my children while being a sufferer, for nearly 27 years now and I still have an 11 yr old son and 16 year old daughter at home (I have 7 chidren, all up).

I truly get the guilt and sense of shame, the worry that they will be too effected, the feelings of inadequacy, the having to minimize how hard things are and try to be there for them.

You are very fortunate to have your Dad helping, please don't beat yourself up about that, he obviously loves his family. It's probably deeply gratifying for him too be able to be there for you.
 
My mom helps me. If she didn't I wouldn't have my wonderful mini-farm. I wouldn't have my dogs, cats, chickens, gardens, furniture projects. All the things that make me happy and feeling worthwhile. My son is raised although he still lives with me. I know the 2 years I was really sick had a huge impact on him, plus my brother moved in with us and starting drinking again and hung himself and we found the body. So, he is 20, but more like 16, when it started happening. He will be ok though.
 
"Letting them know you love them, even in small ways.."

I was there, dissociated so much of the time...I have many memory gaps, but I worked the hardest at 2 things: Letting them know I loved them in whatever way I was able to at the time, and working on recovery, tiny steps at a time.
My 2 daughters are now 29 and 23. They are not unscarred, but they love and accept me, and they forgive the times I fell short, because they understand that I did the best I could, and they do know I love them.
Each of them had a baby this year, and being a grandmother is the best thing in my life.
Hold on, my friend, work, and fight. It's a long fight, never truly over, but be good to yourself, do what you can, and don't blame yourself for what you cannot.
I honestly thought that the best I could hope for was just to survive. I have much more than I ever thought was possible. Don't give up!
 
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