I accidently tripped a trigger two nights in a row. More was there and as jacked as I felt I felt an urge and drive to face it, relive it. I do not know why or what. I am sure I will learn. But got my keys and hit the back roads I rarely drive and never until now at night alone. The road was dirt but white, a memory. I parked. This may make no sense but I had my paper and a pen and wrote what I felt there... Ramble and short but feelings I wrote as I saw it. Need to return drawn to spot need to process emotions Fear - so much helpless death anger children can't breathe empty in his eyes childlike again for me not in my hands need to confront need to mourn need to let go belittled, had to be to live surrendering It hurts I hate Anger again I had to see it again I get out go to passenger side of car I placed my hands on window and tears came I remember my babies in back seat Helpless and small is how I felt I know I would die I remember and hear and feel my screams headaches, cramps and so much pain I remember knees and hands scraped I remember giving up in my soul resigning to death and a need to vomit I remember a couple things not there before. I really thought my trauma was centered around my death. As I threw myself back in dying was not it. When I saw my babies again it was then, that was my trauma. Kill me and rape me, but do not remove me from their life. I thought I was losing them and that was the last I would see of my now bratty teens. That is where a bulk of it lies. That was my trauma. I stared into the trees and was "lost" like during that rape. This time, tonight, I saw something new. In the dimly lit sky in the trees I saw a bird, an owl. I saw his head turn and then I felt whole and one with my surroundings, all was gone that moment. He flew away and I got back in my car and came home a mess. Hubs was upset as I could not stop crying but ll I wanted was him to go to bed and let me be... Fun night, not. But things I did not recall came back, it hurt and now I have to learn to cope.