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Rantings Of A Mad Woman

Discussion in 'General' started by jade, Dec 15, 2006.

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  1. jade

    jade Active Member

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    Who do I tell that I'm ready to get off this damn roller coaster???? Right now not doing too bad but can feel that the up hill climb is almost over. It's getting to the point that when the down hill side comes it comes even faster and harder than before. Don't want to do this anymore!! WHY me WHY all of us? Nobody asked for any of this to happen to us so why do we have to bare the burden?? Why do we have to be punished for things beyond our control. Why am I so weak that I can't berak the cycle. I want a normal life. I want to be able to be a mom to my kids. The kind of mom they deserve. I want to be able to go outside and be able to stay out there longer than it takes to get to the car. I have asked several different people to help me find a PSYCHIATRIST in my area. Why do they only give me names of Psychologists??? Dont people realize that there is a difference????
    Why if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all?? Life really sucks the big one!!!

    When I met the crisis worker the last time that I was in the hospital he said something that has stuck in my mind. He said that I might not be able to over come. Why bother trying to get better if it's just a waste of time?? Because of the track my life has taken I am totally dependant on those around me. I can't make a decision because it might be the wrong one. I can't leave the safety of the house without feeling that I am being watched and followed. I am afraid of people. They judge too fast. They talk and laugh behind your back. They will punish if given the opportunity. WHY WHY WHY?????
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Jade, you are just expressing what every lasy one of has felt ad do feel on our down days.

    First you are NOT weak... PTSD is not a weakness. How we get it is not fair. Best thing you can do is try to stop asking that as you will see you are running around like a dog chasing it's tail. No answer to that one, it just "is".

    Why can you not find your own shrink? And the psycologists are not bad if they have trauma therapy in their list. Mine did way more work and a lot better job at helping me than my shrink... I saw both at the same time. Don't knock the psycologist. They can maybe refer you to a shrink in addition. What country are you in?

    And the rollercoaster sucks. And you try to get better as they don't know what you can over come until you bust your ass to see it for yourself, besides he said you MIGHT not overcome it. How many hundreds of people told they would never walk do so just fine? Maybe with a little pain but they are up! You want to be normal, you learn to be normal with PTSD and you learn not every day is bad. You can have some great symptom free ones! Seems impossible at first, but they can come around.

    Sorry you are having a down day.
     
  4. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    I hear you Jade. But no one is going to answer your "Why" questions. There is no answer. It is unfair that some of us had to have tragic things happen to us. And then to have ptsd on top of it. But there's nothing we can do to change those events...but we can try to better our current circumstances. PTSD can be lived with.

    I, personally, don't like any psychiatrist. (I know I'm gneralizing form two psch's I've had) I think they push drugs mostly and ask about three questions: How are you doing? How are your meds working? Any side effects? That's about the extent of my psychiatrist appointments. My therapy appointments with a therapist is a completely different story. Both, I've had two, have helped me tremendously with just talking about it. Just to have someone right in front of me say it's ok to feel what I feel. Even if I felt like total crud, she'd tell me that I'm doing well. That I'm progressing. That's the thing with that rollercoaster, you can't get off. You can only stay for the ride. But you have to remember that even though there are many turns and drops, you are still going forward and closer to the end.

    I'm a mom too, Jade. My kids were 1.5 years and 4 months when I was diagnosed. They did have it rough for a while, but I'm a better mom now. There are some positive things at the end...it does get better.
     
  5. jade

    jade Active Member

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    Veiled, Sorry if I went overboard didn't mean to got caught up in the moment.

    Somewhere inside I know I'm not weak. I've been told so many times. In some distorted way the stregnth that we feel we don't have actually is there we just don't see it. I know it and hear whats being said I just can't seem to process it.

    I live in a small rural town in the state of Vermont in the US. I have tried to search for myself but can't seem to have any luck. My past therapists have been psychologists please don't get me wrong I'm not knocking them. The main reason I want a psychiatrist is I want my meds and therapy with one doctor. My personal psycian is not my favorite person in the world. The main reason I still see him is mostly due to insurance .

    I totally relate to the dog chasing its tail. I think if mine ever stopped long enough you would find most of his tail chewed off.

    Sorry for being a downer.
     
  6. jade

    jade Active Member

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    Nam, I realize I can't change the past. Believe me if there was a way to do over I would. I guess I just havent accepted them yet. Do you learn eventually to accept or to cope? I do have a good day once in a great while and take every advantage of them I can. I just can't remember the good only the bad.I hate this neg. side but at this point I feel defenseless against all my deamons.
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Jade, you can overcome actually, and that is a fact. The difference is within the approach you take, and how much you want to work for it. Ask many here who are walking this path, or who have walked it, don't just believe me. Every single person can heal trauma, have no doubt, but the only thing stopping you healing is yourself, nothing else. The trauma is not stopping a person from healing, only the fear of the person not wanting to face it all. If you keep secrets about it, you can't heal. If you skew the facts, you can't heal properly, etc etc.

    Nobody likes to air their closet as such, because they are often scared of what someone else will think, but the facts are, PTSD doesn't allow skeletons in the closet. It will bite you on the arse until you air them out, come to terms with them and accept them. PTSD is not curable, fact. PTSD symptoms though thrive on fear, trauma and pain. Whilst they exist, symptoms will remain present. You can try and treat the symptom (bandaid) which won't do an overall great deal, nor be of long term benefit, but you can treat the cause. Treating a symptom takes little time, for little reward. Treating the cause takes a long time, for a lot of reward.

    Basically, when a person moves into trauma therapy (healing), they must expect to spend more time down than they will up during the period, however; during active trauma therapy, a person will begin to notice little changes within themselves. They will notice the good days are starting to last longer, suddenly they just realise one morning they slept the entire night with no nightmares, or slept 8 hours, suddenly they think that they haven't had a flashback for the past two weeks, etc etc etc.

    It is these small improvements that you begin to notice during the process that help to keep you going, because its these little things you must shift your focus upon during the process, in order to keep yourself pushing forward hard, and not giving in. It is so much easier to giveup than it is to fight. Basically, healing PTSD is a fight, and a bloody tough one, but it can be done. I am walking, talking, living proof that life does exist after PTSD. There are other members here who have healed a significant amount of their trauma also, they are finding life once again. There are members who are doing the hard yards now... there are members who are still scared of doing the hard yards, there are members that will never do the hard yards of trauma therapy and instead wallow in their self pity and misery until death. Everyone settles for what they want, and that is all that matters. If you want a life back, then you have to expect to do some hard work in order to get it. Sure, not everyone is at fault for their PTSD, most not, but at the end of the day, you have it now. You can sit there and play the blame game too who is at fault, or you can accept that you have this damn thing, its not going away, and get on with healing and getting back into life.

    This is the hard cold truth of the matter Jade, it really is, and its painful.... let me tell you. I sat in it for a couple of years, then had enough, and found my own way through it, because nobody else was going to get me through it, nor could they, only me. Same applies...
     
  8. jade

    jade Active Member

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    anthony,
    Thanks for your input it hit home and I hear ya. I do want my life back. I am afraid of failure. Thanks to dear old dad failure is unacceptable. I wish I could express exactly what I think and not fudge it up.I am taking baby steps though I found the forum.
     
  9. sibemom

    sibemom Active Member

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    Jade
    For a moment I had to re read your initial thread because it sounded so much like what I have said. I know it sucks, this last therapy session I had REALLY SUCKED, because it did bring up alot of things that need to be dealt with. Anthony and the others put it into very good perspective. We are all walking down this road and it is bumpy and full of pot holes, sometimes I think it is a road that never ends, with curves and hills and LOW SHOULDERS, but speaking for myself if I do not keep taking this path I will never ever get to a a point where I will be satisfied with my life after this accident. I need to be able to have hope that at some point I will be able to do alot of things that right now I AM TERRIFIED OF. If some mental health worker would have told me that I COULD NOT BE HELPED forget it I would either smacked him upside the head and bolted out the door or I would have become very aggitated and hurt him. You see I do not like being told I CAN'T DO SOMETHING, I never did. I hated the fact that the way I am now was something I had no say in what so ever, no one asked me if I wanted to be like this, no one asked me if I wanted my life to be turned upside down and sideways NO ONE ASKED ME ANYTHING, and your right IT IS NOT FAIR, and I am VERY VERY ANGERY! I do not like the fact that I have to accept the things I can no longer do physicaly, but even though I know that PTSD is here to stay it is not curable I DO NOW HAVE A CHOICE TO GET IT IN CHECK, and each person has a different healing time but like was said if you work hard and face the trauma eventually things will get better. I have alot of down days lately because we are getting to some very sensitive issues, but that is part of the process. I am not giving up at some point I will be able to feel safe again, the nightmares will go away, I will feel whole, and you will get there to, there is no magic deadline for that to happen you do it at your own pace and yes some days while you are trying to heal from this you will feel like you are getting worse but that is just part of getting it out dealing with all the traumatic events and doing your best at working hard to manage this DEMON PTSD. Better days are coming :thumbs-up
     
  10. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

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    I want to throw a tantrum, cry rant and rave
    just don't have the energy or emotional willpower to disect what the bloody hell I'm feeling

    You aren't alone hon, and the time of year sure as feck isn't helping.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    And we can fix that along the way also... being failure is acceptable. There is a very true saying, "if one has not failed, they have not learnt!" Very very true. Its ok to fail jade....
     
  12. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member


    Oh, honey...we must be sisters and don't know it!!! Because that was my father as well. When I joined the army and learned the phrase 'failure is not an option', my first thought was, 'No shit...it never has been.'

    It took me failing at something I really wanted to succeed with (a job) for me to realize that the sky wouldn't fall and my world didn't come to an end if I failed. Talk about liberating!

    When I first read your post, it really hit home because I've said many of those same things-to myself, to my family and friends, therapist and here. Sometimes it feels like you're working your ass off with this stuff and are standing still. Then all of the sudden, stuff will start to make sense. I've felt like I've been playing games of connect the dots and when the picture becomes clear on one game and you go 'ah...I see it now' then it's time to go onto the next one. I don't know how many more of these connect the dots I have to do, but at least I'm going in the right direction now.

    I'll pass on the advice my husband gives me, 'Cut yourself some slack. You don't have to race to the finish. When it's your time to get there, you'll get there.' *hugs and more hugs*
     
  13. jade

    jade Active Member

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    Thanks everyone for your input and just for being positive. I don't get alot of that and it actually feels good. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of not having any friends to be able to talk to. After my hubs arrest I definetly found out who my true friends and family were. Result: I have no friends and my fathers whole side of the family won't have any thing to do with me or the kids. To quote my father "You made your bed now you have to lay in it."
    God he makes me so angry. I wish that I had the nads to actually tell him what I think.
     
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